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posted by Bluekait
There are certain rules of survival in horror movies. The movie Scream had some rules, but they weren’t very useful. Our rules are much better and teach toi exactly how to survive a horror movie.

Don’t walk around saying “Hello?” like the killer is going to reply “Yeah I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”

If someone says “Oh yeah, that’s the house where Old Man Jenkins was murdered” then it’s time to déplacer house.

If your friend gets bitten par a zombie and says “Maybe I wont turn into one”, kill him. Better sûr, sans danger than sorry.

Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.

If something licks your hand in the darkness, it’s not your dog. Your dog is dead.

Stay away from places like Amityville, Haddonfield, Camp Crystal Lake, Elm rue and the entire state of Maine.

If you’re running around completely naked, toi might as well just murder yourself.

Don’t be black. For some reason, in horror movies, black people are usually the first to die.

If toi are annoying ou a wise-ass, toi will die before the black guy.

If toi are a hot blond girl with big boobs, toi will die before the annoying guy and the black guy.

If toi open the door and there is a man standing there, holding an axe, he didn’t come to chop firewood.

Never go to the toilet alone. If needs be, poop your pants. It’s much safer.

If toi see a clown, RUN. That clown isn’t hanging around to make toi some balloon animals!

Leave slow ou clumsy Friends behind. Every man for himself. Somebody’s got to live to tell the story.

Don’t divisé, split up and look for clues. Everything toi learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong.

toi know that creepy clown statue upstairs that is freaking toi out? Well it’s not a statue.

Never say “I’ll be right back” because toi won’t be right back.

When you’re walking around a spooky old house, at least try turning the lights on!

If you’re running from the killer, you’re going to trip and fall down at least twice. plus if you’re a girl.

If toi trip and fall, don’t lay there with the “Ow it hurts” face. Get up and continue running!

If the killer is chasing you, toi don’t have to run fast. Just faster than your friends.

No matter how fast toi run, the killer will always be right behind ou in front of you, despite the fact that he is shuffling along at a slower and plus dramatic pace.

On a stormy night, toi will find an open window that toi were sure was locked. It didn’t magically unlock itself!

Whatever toi do, remember that the killer will never forget what toi did last Summer.

If you’re pointing a gun at the killer, don’t say “If toi déplacer I’ll shoot! I’m serious!” Just shoot him already!

Just lay down on the floor and pretend to be dead. Hey, it works for bears… doesn’t it?

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.

If toi see something moving, hit it with a baseball bat… even if it turns out to be your friend. balançoire, swing first, say sorry later.

Listen to the conseil of all the people in the movie theater who are yelling at the screen!

Don’t trot round the house shouting, “Hey! is anybody there?” Of course there’s somebody there, dummy!

Never take a shower. Killers l’amour showers. Anyway, sweaty people are slippery and harder to catch.

If you’re a girl, get a boyfriend. He’ll be horribly murdered in front of you, but at least you’ll live.

If toi hear weird noises, don’t go to investigate. You’re not Dora the Explorer.

Stay out of the library. It’s one of the worst places to hide. Seriously, it’s like a labyrinth of getting murdered. Do toi realize how easy it is for a killer to hide behind a bookcase?

If you’ve beaten the killer into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up ou otherwise destroy him.

If somebody claims that there’s nothing wrong, something is horribly, horribly wrong.

If you’re asked to babysit during a storm, on Halloween, on Friday the 13th ou during a full moon, just say “Sorry, no can do”.

Don’t pick up hitchhikers and don’t hitchhike. If toi do both, then the worst case scenario is: toi could end up picking yourself up and murdering yourself.

If one of your Friends is injured, leave them behind. Even if it’s just a skinned knee. That qualifies as an injury. Leave them.

If toi friend gets shot, don’t, under any circumstances, do CPR. This will only make them die faster!

Always have your keys at the ready. toi don’t want to be fumbling in your bag going “Oh where are they I’m sure I have them here somewhere”, while the killer closes in.

Drips are never good. If toi hear a dripping sound, it’s blood. Likewise, if toi hear a clang, it’s a meat cleaver and if toi hear a thunk, it’s a severed head.

If there is a scary legend, believe it. It’s real. It doesn’t matter of the legend says the killer has an oignon for a head ou a ours trap for a mouth. It’s real and he’s coming for toi tonight.

If someone says “It’s just the wind, guys. Everything’s fine. Stop overreacting”, toi should reply “Yeah well I hope I won’t overreact when you’re dead and stuffed beneath the floorboards”.

Avoid screaming, crying, whispering, panting, wheezing ou breathing heavily when you’re trying to hide. Killers are not deaf.

Never bend down to spit out your toothpaste. When toi come back up, there’ll be someone standing behind toi in the mirror.

Don’t go to places with weird names like Terror Lake, Hell Hollow, Devil’s Den, Screamerville, Skull Valley, Dead Man’s Crossing, Spook Hill, Ghost Creek, Bloody Springs ou Slaughter Beach.

Never go downstairs to check out a weird noise. Especially not in your underwear.

If your Friends go to check out a strange noise and don’t return, don’t go looking for them. Just make new friends.

If your son starts telling toi “I see dead people”, put him up for adoption!

If you’re babysitting a kid and they tell toi they saw someone scary at the window, tell them to stand at the window and wave while toi go hide.

If your running from zombies and your friend trips, don’t worry. Leave them and say “I’ll see toi again when you’re a zombie”

DO NOT hide where toi obviously could be SEEN… like BEHIND a LAMP! *idiot*

This is the 21st Century. toi have a cell phone. Why does nobody in horror films call 911?

If you’re black, stay away from white people. They’re too curious – always checking out noises and getting killed.

Have a fat friend. They will come in useful. If toi run into the killer, toi can use them as a human shield.

When toi hear the musique change to “ch, ch, ch, ch…ah, ah, ah, ah”, you’re as good as dead.

If toi and your Friends are running from the killer, trip up your friends. toi can always make new friends, but there’s only one you.

If toi are babysitting and the phone rings, don’t answer it. Just go accueil and let the kids fend for themselves.

Always check the back siège of the car. 9 out of 10 times, the killer will be crouched there going “Aw dude toi caught me!”

If toi come to a deserted town, it’s probably been deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

If you’re not sure who’s the killer and who’s an innocent person, shoot them all and let God sort them out.

If toi see something mutating, don’t stand there with your “OMFG” face and wait for it to finish mutating. Kill it with feu and get the hell outta there.

I’m a leader not a follower… but if we’re going into a haunted house… you’re going first.

If some idiot in the group says “Let’s divisé, split up”, tell him “OK toi go that way, the rest of us will go this way”

Never under any circumstances run upstairs if toi are being chased. Once toi get upstairs, there’s nowhere left to go.

If you’re hiding from the killer, put your phone on silent.

make sure the killer is dead. if the killer isn’t dead they will just keep coming back like team rocket.

OK under the lit is not a real hiding spot. What self-respecting killer WOULDN’T check under the bed.

If your BestFriendForever trips and falls and screams “Don’t leave me!”, change their friendship status to BestFriendForNever.

If toi find your friend stabbed 78 times and lying in a pool of blood, dont go “OMG what happened?” toi KNOW what happened.

The killer never dies the first time. Wait until he gets up, then kill him again.

when toi find your friend stabbed 78 times dont comfort her. Run! She’s gonna die anyway.

When you’re driving at night and toi hit someone, don’t stop to see if they’re OK.

Hide in the fridge. Killers don’t get hungry and stop for munchies during a murder spree.

Never look behind toi while running away. When toi look back, the killer will be standing in front of you.

Make sure your car has a full tank of gas and your cell phone is fully charged.

Whenever a puppet ou doll turns to toi and says “Let’s play”, it doesn’t REALLY want to play.

If toi knock on the door of a creepy old house and it opens par itself, don’t go inside.

If objects in your house become possessed and start attacking you, don’t run into the kitchen. That’s where the knives are.

If toi hear a little girl chant a nursery rhyme, say “Feet don’t fail me now!” and start running.

Don’t stop at a gas station and ask the creepy old man for directions. He’s not going to help you.

After toi shoot the killer, don’t drop your gun.

If someone hands toi a videotape and says “If toi watch this toi will die in 7 days”, don’t break out the popcorn.

If toi see something weird, tell someone. Don’t just go “Oh, I must be imagining things.”

There is a killer in town and the police have asked us to give toi the following safety tips. Stay in well-lit areas, do not travel alone whenever possible, always wipe front to back.

Never get into a car. It will either not start, break down, run out of gas ou toi will lose the keys. Either way, the killer will be hiding in the back seat.

If a policeman arrives, don’t get your hopes up. He will be killed just before he reaches you.

Find a good hiding place and STAY THERE. If the killer can’t see ou hear you, WHY WOULD toi MOVE?

If toi are buying a house and the real estate agent is all like “well, yeah, full disclosure – there were some murders that happened here”, buy a different house.

If toi hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate. The killer is there. Also your dog is dead.

Never attempt to pull off the killer’s mask. toi won’t like what toi see.

Never assume the killer is dead. Shoot him, stab him, chop off his arms, legs and head, then burn the pieces and put them out with holy water. If possible, rocket his charred remains into space. Even then, he probably won’t be dead.

If toi have any history of mental illness, toi will discover at the end of the movie that toi were the killer all along.

If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism. déplacer very very far away. Because there’s blood on your walls. Blood! On your walls! Your walls are bleeding!

Never Kiss your boyfriend ou girlfriend. Smooching couples are a magnet for deranged serial killers.

Never yell things like “It’s over now” ou “We made it”. That guarantees that it’s not over and toi won’t make it.

If toi spot a weird dude in your garden holding a chainsaw, he is not there to trim your hedges.

Don’t get drunk ou do drugs. Escaping from a killer is much harder when you’re stumbling around and chant to yourself.

If you’re going on vacation, Google the name of the area. If the first five chercher results are news stories about Missing Persons, take a holiday somewhere else.

Don’t go outside just because toi hear a noise. That’s like coming out and saying “Here I am! I’m ready to be murdered now!”

Protect yourself. Find a weapon. Gun, knife, chainsaw = weapons. Umbrella, mop, lamp = not weapons.

Don’t drink alcohol ou do drugs. Killers in horror films have an extra-special hatred of drunk ou stoned teenagers.

If your Dad goes insane and starts hacking down your bedroom door with an axe, don’t try to reason with him. Jump out the window.

Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.

If toi hear a scary noise and find out that it’s just the cat, the suivant scary noise toi hear won’t be just the cat.

If one of your arms ou legs gets chopped off, don’t let it get toi down. Later on, toi may be able to replace it with a chainsaw ou machine gun.

Don’t sacrifice yourself to save someone else. Usually the person toi saved will die anyway.

If toi see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s just one of your Friends playing a prank on you.

If your parents murdered a serial killer years ago, the killer will return to murder you. Strangely, he will leave your parents alone.

If your girlfriend is a hot cheerleader, dump her for the weird chick that nobody likes. Weird chicks never get killed, cheerleaders always die.

A good strategy is to say “No! Kill me instead!” That way, the killer will leave toi alone and murder everbody else. Reverse psychology.

Don’t make Friends with rednecks ou hillbillies unless toi want to be down on all fours, squealing like a pig.

Never make a plan, because your plan will take into account everything that could possibly happen, except for the one thing that actually happens.

If toi throw away a doll and come accueil to find it waiting for you, immediately leave the country. There is no other way to get rid of it.

If the calls are coming from inside the house, get outside the house.

When toi find a strange weapon, immediately grab it. Later on, this will be the only weapon capable of killing the monster.

If toi are shooting at a monster with a big gun and it has no effect, don’t take out a smaller gun and start shooting.

If a girl with long black hair starts crawling out of your TV, hit the OFF button on the remote before she gets all the way out.

If you’re being chased par a killer and toi meet one of your Friends and they ask “what’s wrong?”, don’t stop to explain. Just shout “Cantstoptotalkkillerchasingmeseeyoulater” as toi pass by.

If all else fails, make Friends with the villain and help him kill everyone else. If toi can’t beat ‘em, rejoindre ‘em.


A liste par Scary For Kids. Link here:

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