[The Simpsons] 1F02 - Homer Goes To College #255
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the capuche, hotte #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the capuche, hotte #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach toi how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, toi don't have a son.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught par the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's nourriture bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the éléphant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. van Houten: Yes, but we paid toi $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 plus that toi owe me.
Mr. van Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't toi people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If toi can tell me why I shouldn't feu toi without using the letter "E", toi can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: toi will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. toi know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaures weren't just confined to zoos!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want toi stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - citron of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if toi get lost, toi can always find east par staring directly at the sun.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't toi have some other type of party, one where toi don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people l’amour meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. toi don't win Friends with salad.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, toi can either get up ou go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minutes to déplacer your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minutes to déplacer your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do toi have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because toi are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had par all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire cuisine is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed par Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would toi like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once plus for money.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed par mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, ou a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #253
Salesman: But surely toi can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will toi be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe toi have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last mois when I paid back that loan? Well now I need toi to do a favor for me.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping ou mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I l’amour Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my l’amour life have been without it?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss toi so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the nourriture preparation.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will toi stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded par Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: toi won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed par mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: renard Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. ou it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do toi need a paperweight? 'Cause if toi buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are toi sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if toi were, I'd have to ask toi to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course toi were.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are toi holding me here? I want réponses now, ou I want them eventually!
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a panthère leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips ou anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't toi worry about a thing. [turns on a bière tap, spilling the bière onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are toi doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy bière from you.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, toi don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: toi don't like me? I like you.
Moe: toi do? Then I like toi too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. ou very far. And if toi drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few plus details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no nourriture will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about toi and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the an end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each jour like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I a dit bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed par gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask toi to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, toi still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the feu first!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did toi let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that toi read it and tell me what toi think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! toi help me, and I in-turn am helped par you.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If toi l’amour the Bible so much, why don't toi marry it? In fact, I now pronounce toi and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the université of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: toi ignorant American! toi have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do toi really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey toi are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with toi I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, toi know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all toi circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any donné Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the capuche, hotte #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the capuche, hotte #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach toi how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, toi don't have a son.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught par the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's nourriture bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the éléphant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. van Houten: Yes, but we paid toi $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 plus that toi owe me.
Mr. van Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An éléphant #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't toi people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If toi can tell me why I shouldn't feu toi without using the letter "E", toi can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: toi will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. toi know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when dinosaures weren't just confined to zoos!
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[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
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[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want toi stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - citron of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if toi get lost, toi can always find east par staring directly at the sun.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't toi have some other type of party, one where toi don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people l’amour meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. toi don't win Friends with salad.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, toi can either get up ou go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minutes to déplacer your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minutes to déplacer your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do toi have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because toi are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had par all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire cuisine is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed par Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would toi like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once plus for money.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed par mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, ou a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #253
Salesman: But surely toi can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
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[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The cartouche Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
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[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
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[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will toi be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe toi have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last mois when I paid back that loan? Well now I need toi to do a favor for me.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping ou mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I l’amour Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my l’amour life have been without it?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss toi so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the nourriture preparation.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will toi stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded par Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: toi won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed par mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: renard Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. ou it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do toi need a paperweight? 'Cause if toi buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are toi sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if toi were, I'd have to ask toi to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course toi were.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are toi holding me here? I want réponses now, ou I want them eventually!
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a panthère leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - tennis The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips ou anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't toi worry about a thing. [turns on a bière tap, spilling the bière onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are toi doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy bière from you.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, toi don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: toi don't like me? I like you.
Moe: toi do? Then I like toi too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. ou very far. And if toi drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few plus details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no nourriture will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about toi and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the an end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each jour like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I a dit bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed par gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask toi to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, toi still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the feu first!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did toi let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that toi read it and tell me what toi think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! toi help me, and I in-turn am helped par you.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If toi l’amour the Bible so much, why don't toi marry it? In fact, I now pronounce toi and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the université of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: toi ignorant American! toi have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do toi really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey toi are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with toi I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, toi know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed par sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all toi circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any donné Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed par funnytvquotes.com
