Somebody got front row seats to see the Jonathan Ross montrer and this what was cut out. I did ask them if I could post this and they a dit it was ok. Injoy

What follows is, as best I can give, a transcript of the 30 minute interview. Around half of which should be shown tonight. I will include any extra commentaires along the way…

JR:    Is there a fake American doctor in the house?
        
Queue 4 Poofs and a piano – JR’s resident band– singing, “Welcome to the House of Fun” which makes a change from the other usual Madness song, “Our House”.

Out walks Hugh – dark shirt, veste and trousers with full King George VI/Osama Bin Laurie beard.

JR:    Bearded and hunky for your viewing pleasure. Congratulations on the huge success of House. It’s a massive hit isn’t it.

HL:     I don’t know about massive, enormous perhaps, immense but it’s done awfully well and I’m very proud.

JR:     It’s not got the same sort of audience as US ou same impact yet but it was shown on Channel Five…

HL:    And now it’s moved to Sky…..er…

HL:    One, hurray.

JR:    Well I’m a late comer to it, I didn’t see the earlier ones

HL:    Why then, why would that be?

JR:    I don’t know, I didn’t know if I’d care for it and I didn’t want to see toi make a
    big tit of yourself if toi were rubbish in it.

HL:    I was very similar, in fact plus so…

JR:    Were toi concerned, really?

HL:    Of course, except that if it doesn’t work, it never get that far, that’s really the
    one advantage. If toi do a pilot and nobody likes it toi never get to see it so…

JR:    Is it the 5th series now that you’re on?

HL:    About to start the 6th, this is 5th that’s on here

JR:    That we’re watching here now. That’s a while now, I guess 5 ou 6 years since toi
took on the role. Did it come to toi easily, was there a lengthy audition process? Had they seen your work in England and wanted toi to do it?

HL:    They had no idea who I was. I got a video tape of myself and sent it in and forgot
about it and when they a dit that medical show, it might be on, I had no idea what they were talking about. But I’d read a few pages of it and could just tell in 4 ou 5 pages, this is good stuff.

JR:    He’s such an unusual character and that’s why I was surprised that the character,
and the way toi play him has become a kind of heartthrob, he’s not really an immediately likeable person, is he?

HL:    No, er, he’s got some rough edges, I think it’s fair to say, he is unusual but then I
think that’s true of television, everyone’s trying to come up with an unusual character, a striking one but I think there was something er, that I found actually very likable for all his rough edges, I found him very likable, he’s sort of a tortured genius and it appealed to me.

JR:    When people meet in the states, I’m not sure they immediately recognise toi as
    the House character.

HL:    No, well, they don’t meet me, I see to that (laughing), but er, that’s what I do.

JR:    Do they want toi to be rude, do they want a bit of House’s tough love?

HL:    They think they do but when I try, it turns out that they don’t!

JR laughs

HL:    No, actually, if anything I find myself going quite a long way in the other direction – being overly nice and I give lollipops to children just to montrer them that ha!, I’m only a actor… that doesn’t work either.

JR:    There’s always an unusual medical problem at the cœur, coeur of the show.

HL:    That’s pretty much it..

JR:    Well there’s plus to it than that and it’s pretty unusual and I like to guess along with it at home, to see if I can diagnose these patients correctly…

HL:    That’s phenomenal…

JR:    Would toi like to know how many time’s I’ve got it right?

HL:    Yes, I would!

JR:    Not once! I don’t think anyone could possibly guess it, could they?

HL:    It’s pretty obscure stuff, in fact we have had on several occasions stories where they writer has actually got hold of some obscure medical thing and has called up very brilliant doctors, with very big heads and said, “is this possible, could this happen?” and he’s talking to a doctor who actually says “I’m gonna have to look that up, I’ve never even heard of that, I’ll call toi back”. They are that weird some of these things.

JR:    That’s what makes it so much fun and I was curious to whether toi have actually learned much, whether toi could, if someone came to toi with a certain set of ailments toi could look at them and diagnose them correctly.

HL:    (nonchalantly) I’d give it a go. Give me a Swiss army knife, I’ll give it a go.

JR:    I’ve got a couple taken from early episodes and if I told toi what the symptoms were, bearing in mind that …

HL:    Well if it happened plus than a jour ago…

JR:     No you’ve already solved these, it should be quite easy for you. Here we go…someone passes out, talks gibberish, collapses and has convulsions, breathing stops, has an emergency tracheotomy, steroids help but cause lack of vision, plus seizures follow and the patient had ham in the fridge

HL:    Er, erm, it’s not flu is it? I can’t, erm, I’m not going to be able to, erm, no.

JR:    How could toi have forgotten a tape worm in the brain, Doctor House. I tried the easiest one I could find!

HL:    You’d think that would stick..

JR:    OK, patient hasn’t slept in 10 days, sleeping pills didn’t help, had a poison ivy rash, kept awake and after being kept awake, started bleeding rectally, then from the nose, poison ivy treatment suppresses allergy to a new dog, bruises, nodes under the right arm…

HL:    Did toi say a dog? toi meant to say that, it wasn’t …

JR:    Yes, poison ivy treatment suppresses allergy to a new dog…

HL:    Well, that’s not flu either

JR:    Well it’s closer to flu..

HL:    Is it?

JR:    Well a little bit

HL:     How is it closer to flu

JR:    (shouts) Black Plague!

JR:    Well in real life do toi feel closer to…

HL:    Well no toi see having a brain the size of a walnut, I can only remember things for about 20 minutes, when I’m doing the scene, I understand the stuff for about 20 minutes but beyond that it’s gone. I can’t retain anything…

JR:    Which is probably useful, I would have thought because unless you’re actually going to study…

HL:    In life, it actually is rather useful

JR:    And in jouer la comédie I would have thought as well…

HL:    Acting, less so if you’re on stage, for example, if you’ve got to relearn Othello every night but…

JR:    You could just make bits up…

HL:    Yes, who’s gonna know!. You’ve got to clear the old stuff off the shelf before toi déplacer on.

JR:    Do toi miss jouer la comédie on stage, live work like that because I guess this contract ties toi up for most of the year, I know toi get a bit of film work in but…

HL:    Well I don’t miss plays, I’ve only done one play.

JR:    Which one was that?

HL:    I did a play called Gasping par Ben Elton. It was at the Haymarket Theatre. I did it for about 5 months and I thought I was going to go out of my mind. Actually no, wait a minute, I did go out of my mind. Doing the same things 8 times a week, saying the same words, standing on the same spot, I wanted to put a gun in my mouth.

JR:    It’s not something that toi feel is missing in your life right now…

HL:    I couldn’t do it again. I actually started to have out of body experiences. It was really very frightening.

JR:    While on stage?

HL:    Yah, I would sort of leave my body and float around the Upper Circle, sit suivant to people, eat their crisps, I mean, really strange.

JR:    Did toi ever go out down the road?

HL:    Down the road? Is that a euphemism?

JR:    Genuinely, toi did feel like toi were looking in on yourself?

HL:    Yes, it was actually very frightening. I didn’t want people to think I was losing my marbles.

JR:    And did toi seek help ou did toi work through it?

HL:    I just, er, seek help? Er, toi see, it never even occurred to me that I could seek help! (laughing) What’s the matter with me? Ha, it’s too late now of course! Is should have sought help, shouldn’t I. No, I just thought, this is what stage actors do, this is what toi have to go through…

JR:    That’s not normal.

HL:    No, it’s not normal but it can’t be normal. There was a bloke who was in Cats, beginning to end 16 years, doing the same part, as a CAT! I mean Othello’s one thing, but as a cat! Putting on whiskers every night! (mimes putting on whiskers) like that.

JR:    I bet he lives with an old lady now, lots of newspapers stacked up everywhere!

salut now look, let’s have a look at the new series, this is series 5 and I think it’s already started on Sky One. There’s already some great plot lines, and there’s already some great stories, as well, involving, I get the feeling that maybe there may be a bit plus of his human side, we’re gonna see plus emotions coming to the surface.

HL:    It’s possible, it’s possible. The character’s originally based on Sherlock Holmes. He is supposedly, one half of his brain highly developed and the other half much, much less so.

JR:    In the way that some people aren’t connected to their emotions…

HL:    Yes, who are toi thinking of? I’m thinking of a couple of people !...erm…never mind! But yes, as it unfolds we do get to glimpse what emotional workings he has.

JR:    This is going to seem like a silly question but, he has a limp…

HL:    He does have a limp, so far so good…

JR:    And which leg is the limp on?

HL:    On his right leg.

JR:    Do toi ever forget which leg is meant to be limpy leg?

HL:    No.

JR:    It was a silly question.

HL:    Well it didn’t exactly fly did it… I wasn’t able to come out with my famous right leg anecdote! Where I do the voices and everything. No, I don’t forget that partly because in my head I make it hurt. It does hurt.

JR:    You actually make it hurt?

HL:    Yes I do, it does hurt?

JR:    You don’t put something in your shoe to make it, er…physically make it hurt?

HL:     No, because that would be just a cheap trick. No I actually just, it actually just sort of, I er, er, to me it hurts when I’m doing it.

JR:    What kind of pain?

HL:    Throbbing, er, er, it throbs.

JR:    Did toi seek help for that?

HL:    Err, no I didn’t

JR:    Well I think we’ve established that, you’re stoic!

JR:    Let’s have a look at a clip. If toi haven’t seen Hugh Laurie in House, where have toi been it’s one of the biggest hits on American télévision and it deserves to be an even bigger hit here than it already is. This is him in his doctors mode…

There is a screen behind and Hugh braces himself to ignore it but when he hears the first words he turns round to look at the screen. It’s not House at all, it’s sketch with Hugh playing a doctor to Stephen Fry’s patient in ABOFL! (Genital Amputation if toi want to know!)

JR:    How long il y a was that?

HL:    That was 400 years ago!

JR:    Here he is in House..

Clip of House revealing to POTW in S5E01 that she has leprosy – the pretty kind – includes one of my récent favourite Houseisms – don’t tell the girls, they’ll all want to lick your face – unless you’re THAT kind of feminist.

As soon as this starts to play, Hugh hunches down and puts his fingers in his ears.

JR:    Hugh Laurie, in the award-winning, hugely successful, as House.
What’s going on with the beard, Hugh. toi don’t have the full beard as House, toi have the kind of lived-in look.

HL:    The lived in look, yeah.

JR:    But here toi appear to have what appears to be what’s going on to become like a kind of amish person…

HL:    Yeah, er, it’s something I wanted to try…I grew it because it was there, er. it’s a mask of manliness.
        
I should explain here that Jonathan Ross’s montrer has a kind of fake “green room” where all the guests are sitting waiting to come on ou go off and sometimes the screen behind shows them watching the montrer on a monitor in there. I rather enjoyed this when the other guests were on and I could watch Hugh’s reaction. Eric Cantona is an extremely famous French ex-footballer (soccer to you) who is, in that uniquely Gallic way, also something of a philosopher. He is on to promote a movie that he has just made with the world famous director, Ken Loach. Cantona famously sports a beard.

JR:    (pointing to screen montrer green room) There we have the beard wearer extraordinaire.

HL:    I know, when I realised that Le Beard was going to be here, I felt a little bit nervous. We gonna have a beard-off…I don’t even know how that would go…

JR:    It would be terrible when we sit together for a photograph later on and toi two got stuck together like Velcro…

HL:    Well that’s always bad! Beard ou no beard.

JL:    Am I right in thinking that your father was actually a doctor?

HL:    He was

JR:    Does that help toi paying House ou is it so far removed that it isn’t even a factor?

HL:    It helps in that I have a huge amount of respect for the profession of medicine, reverence almost, for people who study, who work hard, empiricists who examine things, who come up with theories as to why the world is, why the human body is the way it is, and who don’t latch on to easy things but actually work hard to find out the truth. I have a great deal of respect and that probably did help, I mean I came to it with a feeling, er, it’s a pro-science show, a pro-reason montrer and I came to it with that.

JR:    Timely commentaires for this week.

HL:    I don’t know what that means. Is there an anti-reason show?

JR:    Stephen has just signed a big petition, speaking out against certain..

HL:    Stephen?

JR:    Fry

HL:    Fry, yes, yes…no I didn’t hear about this

JR:    You didn’t hear about this?

        This is in reference to a petition that Stephen Fry and others have signed
against British Assoc of Chiropractors trying to sue an eminent scientist who has spoken out questioning the validity of their practice.

It’s all over twitter!

HL:    Is it?

JR:     toi not a twitter person?

HL:    I’m not a twitter person Jonathan, no. I’m plus of a shh person! I’ve subscribed to this Shh network where toi write something down but toi actually send it anywhere. Because I’m all for silence, I’m all for silence.

JR:    Your dad, did he practice in the house ou did he go off to work?

HL:    No, he went off to a clinic. This was in the days before answer phones so the phone at accueil was a big thing and I was often left in charge of taking messages.

JR:    And did toi help out in the practice.

HL:    Well I couldn’t help it but inadvertently because my voice sounded a lot like my fathers so as soon as I answered the phone they thought I was my him, the doctor and before I could say, no actually, I’m only 15, leave me alone, they would start describing symptoms of pus running down their leg and toi reach the point pretty quickly where toi can’t tell them that you’re not the doctor. toi have to offer help as best as toi can!

JR:    So it’s an amateur diagnosis.

HL:    Well when is go outside and walk it off bad advice.

JR:    You’ve finally committed to living in America for this series.

HL:    Yes, well, I’m there 9 ou 10 months of the year, so yes I did eventually buy a hose in America with the family coming back and forth all the time.

JR:    They gonna déplacer and stay out there with toi ou they gonna continue to caravan it.

HL:    Well no, probably not. They’re in school here and université here and they have friendships and relationships and they play in bands….

JR:    It must be quite tough on toi I would have thought.

HL:    It is, it is. It’s weird, it’s a bit like an oil rig. It’s not a bit like an oil rig so why would I say that, I’ve got no idea what an oil rig is like..

JR:    Although there would be lots of other men with beards on an oil rig…you could tell your family that’s actually what you’re doing

HL:    Yes, yes, but er, why would I do that again?

JR:    Err…..but toi must like it out there, I mean if you’re gonna be there, and be a success and to be there and to be pretty much at the haut, retour au début of the arbre must be a great feeling.

HL:    Well, I mean, par and large, be anywhere and be a success is the preferable route to take. But there it’s all pretty much dedicated to one industry there so if you’re going to be there toi may as well be in it and immerse yourself as much as toi can.

JR:    I don’t know if it’s in your contract but presumably toi have to keep in pretty good shape, I mean, it all rests on toi to a large extent.

HL:    I have to be whip cord taught at all times.

JR:    Supple?

HL:    Yes.

JR:    What regiment do toi follow?

HL:    I box

JR:    What box against other people?

HL:    Yes, small children, ideally, of about 8, no plus than that. Well actually no, I’m not aloud to spar, I started sparring a bit and I turned up to work one Monday morning with a black eye and a fat lip and it didn’t go down very well. I’m sure there’s some small print, ou probably even pretty big print actually…

JR:    What a bout biking then because I know toi l’amour motorcycling. I know toi were not addicted but it was a big pleasure for you. Are toi aloud to ride your bike?

HL:    Well, I just didn’t ask the question. So I did it and I’ve been doing it for 5 years now and when they realised that the montrer is going quite well and they would rather I didn’t fall off and break a leg, par then it’s too late.

JR:    When did toi get addicted to bike riding?

HL:    Since I was sort of 12. I rebuilt a vélomoteur, cyclomoteur and used to ride a vélomoteur, cyclomoteur around a field. I’ve always loved them. It’s like flying, only plus so. I’ve flown too and actually I find, well obviously we’ve all flown – come on, that was a stupid thing to say. What I meant to say is, I’ve actually held the controls of an aeroplane and actually I found that a tiny disappointing.

JR:    Maybe because you’re not quite aware of the speed…

HL:    Maybe that’s what it is. Because you’re so up there, you’re movement is in relation to nothing. But on a bike toi just feel that tarmac and toi feel the air…

JR:    You’ll never feel so much as if you’re driving drunk on a vespa at 70 mph on a road late at night, believe me.

HL:    Shame on you, young man.

JR:    And I was wearing a turban at the time.

Do toi miss doing comedy, Hugh? Cos that’s what I always think of toi doing first.

HL:    Well no actually, because I do feel as if I am doing it. I find the montrer very funny, I think House is very funny and I feel as if I’m getting the best of all possible worlds. The triumph of it, if there is a triumph and I happen to think that there is. Is that the montrer can go from being almost slapstick comedy to a Wildean wit to this gut wrenching drama all in the l’espace of a second. It’s incredibly quick in the turn that it makes in a 45 minute show. I’m incredibly lucky, I get to do all of these things in a single show.

JR:    Do toi miss doing the older stuff, the broader stuff.

HL:    Putting on funny wigs..

JR:    And voices

HL:    Funny voices, well I’m sort of doing a funny voiceo.

JR:    Well, the accent’s very good and is one other things that sells it to people.

HL:    Oh well you’re very kind.

JR:    Well doing a Scottish accent like that for a whole montrer is pretty tough. Because you’re not Scottish are you?

HL:    (really enjoying this joke) Well no, I’m not. That was good, I liked that!

All joking aside, not many people can do the accent and do it well. It must be a constant challenge.

HL:     It is actually. Most things that toi do a lot of, if toi play the violin a lot, ou make scrambled eggs a lot, it gets easier but this is one thing that is not. I don’t know why that is..

JR:    What are the things that are hardest is it er,

HL:    You never know, sometimes it can be some 55 syllable latin phrase describing some medical condition that’s gonna trip toi up, sometimes it can be the word but ou the word OW and toi just don’t know.

JR;    And do toi ever get retakes

HL:    I do, a lot, but I feel there’s a to how many I can take before people start rolling their eyes and saying “Why don’t we just get an American”…which I would understand, I wouldn’t blame them.

JR     What about things like laughing ou sneezing, do toi have to do those with an American accent.

HL:    I think toi do. Things like laughing, fortunately, I don’t laugh either in real life ou … but I think you’re right there is a difference. Sneezing, I don’t know.

JR:    You could go. Achoo, achow.

HL:    Yeah but also, Ow, I think American’s say Ow in French, the French don’t say Ow at all, they say Aie.

JR:    Aie

HL:    Aie, now it’s such a weird thing because you’d think that is an instinctive thing, no time for mental process, but if toi stub your cigarette out on a Frenchman, try it! You’ll get a completely difference response!

JR:    Let me ask you, do toi miss Stephen Fry, because your partnership, it was plus than just a convenient on screen partnership, this was a deep and true friendship.

HL:    It is a deep and true deep friendship and we’re very very close and continue to be so. No, I see him all the time, I saw him yesterday and I’ll see him tomorrow and we email. We don’t t-wit each other. We do everything else, toi know, letters…

JR:    Do toi actually write letters?

HL:    No, actually, I can’t say that, it’s simply untrue! But also, it’s a fantastic thing because he’s actually playing a role in a montrer called Bones which films 50 yards away from where we make House. So when he’s over there he stays in my house and we go to work together and eat cheese sandwiches together, er, no we don’t do that either, it’s all homard over there!. No, it’s lovely and we sit there in the gorgeous California sunshine and reflect on our amazing good fortune and don’t think that we take it for granted for one seconde we don’t. It is an amazing thing and we’re both, I think, very appreciative.

JR:    Weird for him to appear in House? Would that be strange for a British audience ou would it be strange…

HL:    He did threaten that he would sort of wangle his way in. toi know, come on with a man with two limps. We had this idea actually because the character’s based on Sherlock Holmes, and Sherlock Holmes, which is such a brilliant idea that the cleverest man in the world had a cleverer older brother, Mycroft, so we thought there could actually be an equivalent of Mycroft. That when House gets absolutely flummoxed par a three-pipe problem he would have to go to his older brother to get the solution. It could happen one day!

JR:    Can I just mention the fact that we should convey our congratulations and Happy Birthday to a heavily-bearded Hugh Laurie, because he is approaching a landmark birthday, suivant Thursday, I believe.

HL:    Yes, it is, suivant Thursday, I will be (sharp intake of breath, screws eyes up) 50 years old

        Cheers and whoops from the audience.

JR:    Still fit as a butcher’s dog!

HL:    It was nothing!

JR:    I wanted to get toi a special present, so I looked into it and I asked around to find out what toi would really love. I know toi play the piano…

HL:    Right.

JR:    And I’ve been informed that you’ve always had your cœur, coeur set on a Steinway Grand Piano.

HL:    (Laughing) Yes.

JR:    I know, it’s extravagant and I know it’s crazy but for toi Hugh…

3 burly guys begin to wheel in a HUGE cloth covered, piano-shaped package. Oh my, could it be, could it really be….no, the cloth is removed to reveal some lighting boxes arranged in the shape of a piano within which there is a miniature, plinkety-plonkety baby grand,.

JR:    We have a baby version of the Steinway Grand Piano, there toi go! And a little chair to go with it.

HL:    (plays a bit of boogie-woogie. It’s a great sound but out of tune)
That’s beautiful. (folds palms towards JR) I’m very, very grateful. That’s fantastic.

Audience laughs and claps, whoops and hollers. Hugh looks very pleased

JR:    No one goes accueil empty handed!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mister Hugh Laurie.

HL:    Thank toi so much, I don’t know what to say. Thank you, thank toi very much.

Off goes our Hugh to the “Green Room”

After he goes off, there are various points in which he is seen in the Green Room. The most significant of which is during the interview with Dustin Hoffman:

DH:    Can I just pay a compliment to Hugh Laurie. I have to tell you, we all talk about it. His American accent is the best I have ever heard.

        Hugh looks embarrassed but gracious, as ever.

Well ladies and gentlemen. I hope this is as full a version as I can offer you. I hope it gave a little of the flavour of being there.

Have just watched the broadcast and I’ll be interested to hear comments. It was only around 10 mins long. Short changed but at least toi get the full version here.