1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores toi ou is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in l’amour with toi — and toi are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells toi to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the l’amour of your life. toi should stay with him since he will keep toi sûr, sans danger forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling toi he will never see toi again), it is because he loves toi so much he will suffer just to keep toi safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your Friends and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as toi keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even plus romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave toi always come back.
9. Because they come back, toi should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though toi have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, toi should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy toi something.
11. toi should use a dit male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical ou technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while toi run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what toi must do.
13. Car theft in the service of l’amour is acceptable.
14. If the boy toi are in l’amour with causes toi (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten toi end up in the hospital, toi should tell the doctors and your family that toi “fell down the steps” because toi are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if toi sacrifice everything toi are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills ou emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When écriture a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal source material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making ou watching a major feature film, toi should gleefully embrace the 20 minutes of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. vampires — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.