-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when toi speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! toi aren’t supposed to reply when I tell toi about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: toi were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t toi use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is plus dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let toi see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: toi won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from toi a an ago! If toi are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: toi can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to montrer you.
Bella: Why won’t toi sleep with me?! Do toi hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The suivant day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! toi just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did toi do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car par tomorrow, though, ou else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If toi don’t want me to stalk toi tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer ou not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The suivant jour at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But toi don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: toi want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The auteur of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic ou witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: toi sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while toi go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: toi have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if toi wanna get laid I don’t want to see toi as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help toi get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told toi were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who a dit that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if toi ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn toi and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going accueil now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him par being with toi so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: salut Eddie!
Edward: Did toi give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: toi got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. toi can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The suivant day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! toi keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over toi for the suivant couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN toi NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One heure later-
Rosalie: salut Bella! Just came in here to tell toi why I would rather choke chatons and then eat their flesh before making toi officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if toi pitied me toi would feel bad and do things my way. Do toi sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: par asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. vampires can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill toi before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The suivant night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from Christmas Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The suivant day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. ou the Easter Bunny.
Bella: ou the Volturi. ou an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want toi to choose me. I l’amour you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, toi do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make toi l’amour me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape toi yet, god. toi have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t toi be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take toi accueil now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz ou someone else who could give toi all the answers?
Alice: No. toi look plus like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess toi should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save toi from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to loup boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: salut Bella! I got toi a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! toi -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a loup on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that toi –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do toi have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something toi have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! toi are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn vampires coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn vampires coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: toi don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what toi think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of couteau fights before, I have the most experience fighting than toi lame cul, ass pacifists. So, I’ll teach toi guys how to couteau our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! toi JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. montrer us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: salut Bella? Will toi marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do toi do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts par the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out par banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five minutes later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: ou at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: toi can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in l’amour with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my cœur, coeur flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, toi know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can toi give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: salut Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! toi have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! toi make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those précédant .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: toi need to Kiss me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have toi seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did toi see those muscles? Wait, are toi gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He a dit the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 minutes later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would toi know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I a dit never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for toi to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. toi know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes toi are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? toi agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because toi are in l’amour with another man while toi are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know toi are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in l’amour with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do toi hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because toi are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and par the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five minutes later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did toi pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan ou something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do toi understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: salut Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force toi into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think toi want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when toi speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! toi aren’t supposed to reply when I tell toi about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: toi were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t toi use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is plus dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let toi see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: toi won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from toi a an ago! If toi are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: toi can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to montrer you.
Bella: Why won’t toi sleep with me?! Do toi hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The suivant day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! toi just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did toi do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car par tomorrow, though, ou else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If toi don’t want me to stalk toi tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer ou not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The suivant jour at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But toi don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: toi want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The auteur of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic ou witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: toi sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while toi go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: toi have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if toi wanna get laid I don’t want to see toi as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help toi get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told toi were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who a dit that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if toi ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn toi and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going accueil now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him par being with toi so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: salut Eddie!
Edward: Did toi give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: toi got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. toi can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The suivant day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! toi keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over toi for the suivant couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN toi NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One heure later-
Rosalie: salut Bella! Just came in here to tell toi why I would rather choke chatons and then eat their flesh before making toi officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if toi pitied me toi would feel bad and do things my way. Do toi sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: par asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. vampires can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill toi before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The suivant night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from Christmas Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The suivant day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. ou the Easter Bunny.
Bella: ou the Volturi. ou an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want toi to choose me. I l’amour you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, toi do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make toi l’amour me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape toi yet, god. toi have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t toi be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take toi accueil now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz ou someone else who could give toi all the answers?
Alice: No. toi look plus like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess toi should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save toi from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to loup boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: salut Bella! I got toi a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! toi -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a loup on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that toi –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do toi have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something toi have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! toi are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn vampires coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn vampires coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: toi don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what toi think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of couteau fights before, I have the most experience fighting than toi lame cul, ass pacifists. So, I’ll teach toi guys how to couteau our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! toi JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. montrer us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: salut Bella? Will toi marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do toi do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts par the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out par banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five minutes later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: ou at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: toi can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in l’amour with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my cœur, coeur flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, toi know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can toi give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: salut Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! toi have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! toi make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those précédant .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: toi need to Kiss me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have toi seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did toi see those muscles? Wait, are toi gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He a dit the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 minutes later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would toi know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I a dit never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for toi to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. toi know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes toi are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? toi agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because toi are in l’amour with another man while toi are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know toi are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in l’amour with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do toi hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because toi are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and par the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five minutes later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did toi pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan ou something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do toi understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: salut Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force toi into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think toi want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
