Cheryl: Viola, darling. Remember, chew like toi have a secret...
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Andrew: Well salut there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What... what are toi hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just...
Monique: [mimicking] "I was just... nyuh". OK, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours
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Monique: [Trying to distract Paul, Kia, and Yvonne so that she can get into the Moon Bounce to talk to Viola who she thinks is Sebastian] What's that?
Kia: [Follows Monique's finger]
Paul: [Still looking at Monique] Kia, don't look.
Kia: [Looks back at Monique, looks down, disappointed]
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Viola: toi know it bro'
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Viola: [as Sebastian] I gott be completely honest. The whole dissecting thing kinda freaks me out, so uh... i think toi may have to take the reins on this one.
Olivia: Wow, most guys would have never admit that.
Viola: Oh crap! Your right.
Olivia: No, don't worry i think it's refreshing.
Viola: toi do?
Malcolm: [interupts] No paper near the bunsen burner.
Viola: Wait!
Olivia: What's this? poems?
Viola: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.
Olivia: [reading] "Wake up i've been waiting for you".
[Finishes]
Olivia: Those are really good. So honest.
Viola: I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.
Malcolm: I write songs too, Olivia.
Olivia: Really? Wonderful.
Malcolm: Check it out.
[sings]
Malcolm: I see toi through your window, while I'm standing on a arbre outside
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Viola: I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.
Malcolm: [startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. douche shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower... Did toi not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.
[Duke walks in and hits Malcolm behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal]
Viola: Sup dog?
Duke: Yeah, what's kickin', homie?
Viola: Later.
Duke: Hey, toi forgot, ew...
[holding up Viola's chest bandage]
Duke: This, coolio.
Viola: Word, g-money.
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[first lines]
Justin: Oh! She shoots, she scores! Goal!
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Viola: [Viola's mom shows her a dress] Echh. No. Sorry, Mom. I have a strict no-ruffles policy.
Daphne: Sometimes I just think toi just might as well be your brother.
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Coach Pistonek: Yeah. Yeah. NO. No playing. toi have to forfeit. There's no girls in this league. Here, look in the manual.
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Coach Dinklage: [shouted] Break it up. Break it up. Okay, tough guys. toi want to box, then get out of my stadium. ou otherwise, get on with the game. All right? That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football.Like a bunch of girls.
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Daphne: toi did all this to play soccer?
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Viola: So, what brings toi here?
Duke: Well, a few days il y a I kissed this girl at a s’embrasser booth. And now, I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Viola: Neither can she.
Duke: Plus, I miss my roommate. I really liked him.
Viola: Well, he's right in here.
[pointing to her heart]
Viola: . Listen, I know I should have told toi who I was, but I was afraid. I'm Sorry.
Duke: Well, toi know maybe if I had know toi were a girl, we wouldn't have talked like we did, and got to know each other the same way. And that would've been a shame.
Viola: Just so toi know, everything toi told me when I was a guy, just made me like toi so much plus as a girl.
Duke: Ok, but just from here on in, everything would just be alot easier if toi stayed a girl.
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Justin: [kisses Viola] Ok, toi are really getting good.
Viola: Aw, toi too. I mean when we first started going out, toi couldn't Kiss at all.
Justin: I meant at soccer.
Viola: Aw, really?
Justin: Absolutely. You're already better than half the guys on my team.
Viola: Hmm... probably plus than half.
[kisses justin]
Justin: What do toi mean I couldn't Kiss at all?
Viola: Don't worry, I've taught toi well.
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Duke: Why, why do toi always talk about girls in such graphic terms?
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Duke: [Using one of Viola's tampons after getting into a fight with Justin at the carnival] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work.
Viola: Oh my god you're hurt...
[clears throat]
Viola: I mean, suck it up, be a man and rub some dirt on it
Duke: Okay, I'll rub some dirt in it...
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Daphne: [after hearing about Viola breaking up with Justin] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don't toi rendez-vous amoureux, date him mom?
Daphne: [pauses to fantasize and giggles] oh no... I couldn't.
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Olivia: [to Viola at s’embrasser booth] Beware the old guy chewing gum... it's not gum.
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Viola: No man... if toi wanna Kiss her... toi go right ahead and toi Kiss her! I mean, knock your self out! toi just take her... then Kiss her. Then Kiss the crap out of her!
Duke: Okay
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Toby: [talking about Eunice] She's got a little somethin' somethin'.
Andrew: Yeah... asthma and headgear.
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Viola: toi know how it is. New school, new babe pool.
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Toby: I need your conseil man. I got lady troubles.
Viola: I'm here for toi bro. I got a lifetime of knowledge.
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Viola: So, uh, toi play the beautiful game... bros... brothers... brethren?
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Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw toi guys. I hate high school.
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Duke: I kinda got into it with your sisters ex.
Viola: Really. Why?
Duke: He kinda saw us making out at the s’embrasser booth.
Viola: Wait... toi kissed her?
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Coach Dinklage: [yelling] LET'S GO! KICK! KILL!
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Justin: [Justin blocks duke's shot] That's right. Didn't score on me last half won't score on this half. I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie.
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Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: [as Sebastian] I skipped a couple grades. I'm brilliant. Shh.
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[after getting hit in the crotch with a football ball par Toby]
Viola: [as Sebastian] Oh. Right. OWW! OH, FOR THE l’amour OF GOD! IT BURNS!
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Duke: I gotta go change my feet.
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Viola: Speaking as a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter...
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Viola: Speaking as a completely third party objective with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I'm not really sure that toi and Olivia really mesh well together.
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Viola: [as Sebastian, watching Kia strut away from him/her in front of Duke, Andrew, and Toby] I'd tap that.
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Principal Gold: What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not is to not.
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[to Eunice after Olivia and Sebastian/Viola leave Cesarios]
Duke: So... do toi like cheese?
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Duke: [after being left with Eunice in Cesario's] So, uh, do you... like cheese?
Eunice: plus than almost any other animal by-product.
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Sebastian: [indicating Viola's false sideburns] Are those real?
Viola: Oh yeah, I'm growing sideburns now- NO!
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Sebastian: [after falling over on the football pitch again] What am I doing? This isn't FUN.
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Toby: Is your sister hot?
Viola: [as Sebastian] Uh... I guess so... she's got a great personality
Toby: Ew
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Viola: Okay, who's your daddy?
Duke: Huh?
Viola: I got her to consider you! You're half way in man!
Duke: Um, uh, ok, so, should I ask her out?
Viola: No. toi don't want to freak her out, you've got to have a casual conversation first, hello?
Viola: [after Duke looks away in frustration] Why do I get the feeling toi don't do this very often?
Duke: Man, I just, I'm not really good at talking to girls.
Viola: Why? You're hot!
Duke: What?
Viola: [clears throat] Ya know, you're an appealing guy- man- guy- guy man.
Duke: Look, I don't know, I just always say the wrong- I just always say the wrong thing.
Viola: OK. Alright, come on, get up. I wanna trying something where I'm gonna act like a girl and you're gonna talk to me, ok?
Duke: Ew. Do, do I have to?
Viola: Yes. Cause, "I'm Viola. Duke, nice to meet you."
Duke: OK, that was creepy. toi really just sounded like a girl just then.
Viola: I used to imitate my sister all the time. I got really good at it. Come on, get up. Ask me some questions and if the chemistry's right, things will just start flowin'.
Duke: questions about what?
Viola: Anything. Ask me if I like... cheese.
Duke: [laughing] Um, ok. Do you... like... cheese?
Viola: [Girl's voice] Why yes I do. My favourite's gouda.
Duke: I like gouda too?
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Olivia: You're right.
Viola: I know.
Olivia: The suivant time I see Sebastian, I am gonna march right up to him...
Viola: toi march.
Olivia: ...I'm gonna tell him how I feel...
Viola: toi tell him.
Olivia: ...and then I'm going to Kiss him so passionately...
Viola: What?
Olivia: ...that even the people he hates will feel pleasure.
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Viola: I just can't do this.
Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. That came out wrong but toi know what I mean.
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Viola: So what about the thing... we talked about it... that you're gonna do later?...
Duke: What thing? I'm... I'm thingless...
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Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
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Coach Pistonek: Hi girls, heard the bad news.
Viola: Bad? It's a disaster!
Coach Pistonek: I know. Well if there's anything I can help toi with, toi just say the word.
Viola: As a matter of fact, there is. We want to try out for the boy's team.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: [laughs] Uh, anything besides that.
Viola: Coach, come on! toi know that we're good enough!
Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
Viola: All we're asking for is one shot.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: Girls, we have two weeks before school starts. Then we open against Illyria, a rivalry game. We have to win.
Viola: And we can help toi win.
Justin: Hey, baby. What's going on coach?
Coach Pistonek: Umm, girls here want to try out for the team.
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Viola: What are toi talking about? Why are toi lying?
Justin: Viola! End of discussion.
Viola: FINE. End of relationship.
Justin: Baby, don't be like that. I just don't want to see toi get hurt.
Viola: Aww. toi are so full of...
Coach Pistonek: [whistle blows] Back to practice.
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Viola: ...and when I close my eyes, I see toi for who toi truly are, which is UUUG-LAY.
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Viola: Be a man. Suck it up and rub some dirt in IT.
Duke: All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...
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Sebastian: [talking about musicians] Last time I heard, they don't need to know TRIGONOMETRY.
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Viola: toi know the percentage of bands that actually make it to the big time?
Sebastian: Probably the same as female football players...
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Andrew: [to Duke] Some guys just walk in the light toi know.
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Duke: [at the s’embrasser booth] What do toi think its going to be like?
Toby: It's going to be really special, she's just about kissed 300 guys at his point.
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Duke: It's just like what Coach says before every game: Be not afraid of greatness, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I think our best chance to be great here today, is to have toi play.
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Viola: [getting into catfight] toi are messing with the wrong man.
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Olivia: We could double. I'm sure Eunice is available.
Eunice: I am so there, it's insane.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Eunice!
[clears throat]
Viola: Uh, Eunice! Why didn't toi wake me?
Eunice: toi looked so serene. I made breakfast, darling.
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Malcolm: I am convinced he's hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little Lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have toi ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I...
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...
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Viola: What does your cœur, coeur tell you?
Duke: What?
Viola: I mean... which one would toi rather see NAKED?
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[Viola shows her bare boobs to prove she's a girl and earlier Sebastian showed his privates to prove he's a boy ]
Roger: Is it just me ou this football game have plus nudity than most?
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Coach Dinklage: [about to assign shirts and skins] OK, shirts and skins!
Viola: Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.
Coach Dinklage: What?
Viola: I'm allergic to the sun.
Coach Dinklage: ...You're allergic to the sun?
Viola: Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic.
Coach Dinklage: Well, we like to accomodate here in Illiria, so I'll follow toi around with a parasol. Alright, Nancy boy?
[looks at his clipboard]
Coach Dinklage: You're a shirt.
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Duke: What're toi gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.
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Sebastian: Besides, if toi want to chase your dreams, sometimes toi gotta break the rules, right?
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Viola: toi know what? If toi can't rejoindre 'em, beat 'em.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hi, Eunice. Sorry for running out on our date.
Eunice: It's okay. My intensity scares some people.
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Monique: Hello, Viola.
Viola: Oh, boy. This isn't good.
Monique: And hello to toi little... homewrecker.
Olivia: Uh, who are you?
Monique: I am Sebastian's girlfriend.
Viola: Ex-Girl-Friend.
Monique: Okay. Everybody's gotta stop saying that.
Olivia: Oh. toi were the one he dumped at the pizza parlor the other day.
Monique: Nonononononono, he did not dump me. We're just going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Olivia: Oh? I heard he dumped you. He dumped toi big. It was just like a big, huge dumping.
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Andrew: Freshman dorm's that-a-way, twiglet.
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Eunice: [wheezing] I'll be the best lab partner toi ever had
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Principal Gold: [referring to Sebastian] He's probably halfway to China par now, I mean, he showed his "willis and doodleberries"...
Sebastian: Present!
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Daphne: Nonsense! toi don't need a man to wear a beautiful dress!
Paul: But it doesn't hurt...
[Paul gets down on one knee in front of Viola]
Paul: Viola Hastings it would be my pleasure to escort you.
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Paul: Vi- be a good boy.
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Justin: Could toi be a girl for just 5 seconds
Viola: Ok... First of all it's not a stupid football issue and... you're a jerk. Oh look at that, times up.
[slaps him in the face]
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Viola: Quit blushing! That's lame.
Duke: Shut up, I'm not blushing.
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Viola: [figure emerges from the fog] I didn't think you'd montrer up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something.
Groundskeeper: I gotta turn the sprinklers on.
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: okay.
[pulls down his football shorts, everyone sees his privates]
Roger: [His Dad in the audience] That's my boy.
Eunice: football is the world's favori sport.
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Duke: Just because toi wear a wig, doesn't mean you're a girl.
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Duke: [after seeing Olivia nod at Viola and wave] Dude toi know her?
Viola: Talked to her for like a second.
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Duke: This is perfect. toi spend an heure with her every other day. toi can convince her to go out with me!
Viola: Dude, she's had that option for, like, three and a half years.
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Viola: I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I'm a badass hunky dude!
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Duke: toi know... it's crazy how wrong toi can be about a person... just crazy... toi think that they are one thing and then they turn out to be the exact opposite. toi know what? Save it. We were suppose to be friends.
Viola: We are friends.
[Duke showes Viola/Sebastian against the wall]
Duke: toi dont even know the meaning of the word.
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Duke: Its not gonna be that bad, Olivia's gonna be there. the perfect opportunity for me to lay some groundwork.
Viola: Oh, Olivia's gonna be there. And my sister, and Monique, and you, and my mom. great.
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Cheryl: [making bizarre arm gestures] Who's ready to come out?
Viola: [imitating her expression] Kill me.
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Viola: SEBASTIAN!
Daphne: Were toi just talking with your brother?
Viola: No. Yes. On the phone. He's at dad's. BYE DAD.
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Toby: [cough] Incoming.
Viola: Check out the booty on that blondie.
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Viola: [screaming with Duke, after seeing Malcom's spider] toi kill it! Your the man! Er... The... Bigger... Man!
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Viola: [seating Eunice down at Cesario's] Lady Pterodactyl
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Principal Gold: [interrupting the football game] I played football once... ou was it chess?
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Andrew: Yea, she gives great nods.
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Principal Gold: [to Sebastian/Viola] Have a great pomme and sandwich!
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Coach Dinklage: [after breaking up the fight on the football field] The rest of you! Get out there and play some real football... toi bunch of girls!
Principal Gold: [trying to copy Coach Dinklage's authority and shout his speech through the megaphone] Alright the rest of you, get out there and play some real football like a bunch of girls!
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Viola: This is *not* over.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hey. HEY! What up? toi must be my room-mates.
Duke: [laughs]
[Viola clears throat]
Duke: What-what's your name?
Viola: Sebastian Hastings.
Duke: Duke Orsino.
Viola: [grunts]
Duke: Um, ok, ok, ok, ok! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live suivant door.
Andrew: Yeah, freshman dorms thattaway, twiglet.
Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: I skipped a couple of grades. I'm brilliant, shh! Anyway, toi know when our football try-outs start?
Duke: Noon. toi play?
Viola: Absolutely. Centre-forward. toi know it, bra. So, uh, toi play the beautiful sport, bro? Brothers? Brethren?
Duke: Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs.
Viola: Schveet!
Duke: Ok, w-why do toi have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Um, I get really bad nose bleeds?
Andrew: So toi stick 'em up your nose?
Viola: Yeah! What, you've, you've never done that?
[Boys shake head]
Viola: Oh my! Beckhem does it all the time.
Duke: Serious?
Viola: Yes. Look, let me montrer toi how to do it. Take that off and whatever that is, and, and toi stick it right in. It absorbs right up!
Duke: That's disgusting!
Andrew: Oh my god! You're room-mates a freak!
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Principal Gold: There toi go. Have a great pomme and sandwich.
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Daphne: So Monique's getting toi all excited about being a debutant, huh?
Viola: Thuper duper exthited! Have a good carnival!
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Monique: Sebastian!
[Monique mistakes Viola for Sebastian]
Viola: Ow!
Monique: Eww... It's you. God toi and your brother look scarily alike from the back. I think it's your total lack of curves.
Viola: salut Monique, it's so good to see toi too!
Monique: Hmm. I'm looking for Sebastian. Where is he?
Viola: I don't know.
Monique: Just remind your brother how lucky he is to be in my life. And tell him to give me a all if he wants to stay in it, okay?
Viola: Okay. Does he have your number? 1-800-BEE-OTCH?
[laughs to herself]
Monique: [mimicks Viola] Nyenyenyenyenyeh?
Viola: She will do great things.
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Eunice: I know tricks.
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[sees Olivia switch s’embrasser booth places with Viola]
Duke: Just my luck.
[sees look on Viola's face]
Duke: No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, she's... toi know... Ok. Um, on the other hand you're also...
Viola: I am? Thanks, I, guess.
9 an Old Boy: toi don't have to flirt with her first, okay, genius? You're paying for it.
Duke: Haha, why don't toi just - relax.
[to Viola]
Duke: Um, um, um- maybe I should Kiss toi now, I gave that girl my ticket and I waited in line.
Viola: Well, it's the least I can do.
Duke: Uh, ok - here I go. Um - uh...
[They kiss]
Duke: Ok, I think that was one ticket's worth.
Viola: Na-uh, toi need a little bit more.
[she kisses him again]
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Principal Gold: I'd like to say 'welcome'.
[singing]
Principal Gold: Welcome to, Illyria, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome... to Illyria.
[speaking again]
Principal Gold: I just wanted to say 'welcome'!
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: Okay.
[pulls down his football shorts]
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Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Ask me if I like Cheese
Duke: Duke: Um, ok. Do toi like cheese?
Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Why yes I do, my favorite's Gouda
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Andrew: Well salut there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What... what are toi hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just...
Monique: [mimicking] "I was just... nyuh". OK, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours
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Monique: [Trying to distract Paul, Kia, and Yvonne so that she can get into the Moon Bounce to talk to Viola who she thinks is Sebastian] What's that?
Kia: [Follows Monique's finger]
Paul: [Still looking at Monique] Kia, don't look.
Kia: [Looks back at Monique, looks down, disappointed]
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Viola: toi know it bro'
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Viola: [as Sebastian] I gott be completely honest. The whole dissecting thing kinda freaks me out, so uh... i think toi may have to take the reins on this one.
Olivia: Wow, most guys would have never admit that.
Viola: Oh crap! Your right.
Olivia: No, don't worry i think it's refreshing.
Viola: toi do?
Malcolm: [interupts] No paper near the bunsen burner.
Viola: Wait!
Olivia: What's this? poems?
Viola: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.
Olivia: [reading] "Wake up i've been waiting for you".
[Finishes]
Olivia: Those are really good. So honest.
Viola: I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.
Malcolm: I write songs too, Olivia.
Olivia: Really? Wonderful.
Malcolm: Check it out.
[sings]
Malcolm: I see toi through your window, while I'm standing on a arbre outside
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Viola: I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.
Malcolm: [startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. douche shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower... Did toi not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.
[Duke walks in and hits Malcolm behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal]
Viola: Sup dog?
Duke: Yeah, what's kickin', homie?
Viola: Later.
Duke: Hey, toi forgot, ew...
[holding up Viola's chest bandage]
Duke: This, coolio.
Viola: Word, g-money.
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[first lines]
Justin: Oh! She shoots, she scores! Goal!
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Viola: [Viola's mom shows her a dress] Echh. No. Sorry, Mom. I have a strict no-ruffles policy.
Daphne: Sometimes I just think toi just might as well be your brother.
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Coach Pistonek: Yeah. Yeah. NO. No playing. toi have to forfeit. There's no girls in this league. Here, look in the manual.
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Coach Dinklage: [shouted] Break it up. Break it up. Okay, tough guys. toi want to box, then get out of my stadium. ou otherwise, get on with the game. All right? That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football.Like a bunch of girls.
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Daphne: toi did all this to play soccer?
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Viola: So, what brings toi here?
Duke: Well, a few days il y a I kissed this girl at a s’embrasser booth. And now, I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Viola: Neither can she.
Duke: Plus, I miss my roommate. I really liked him.
Viola: Well, he's right in here.
[pointing to her heart]
Viola: . Listen, I know I should have told toi who I was, but I was afraid. I'm Sorry.
Duke: Well, toi know maybe if I had know toi were a girl, we wouldn't have talked like we did, and got to know each other the same way. And that would've been a shame.
Viola: Just so toi know, everything toi told me when I was a guy, just made me like toi so much plus as a girl.
Duke: Ok, but just from here on in, everything would just be alot easier if toi stayed a girl.
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Justin: [kisses Viola] Ok, toi are really getting good.
Viola: Aw, toi too. I mean when we first started going out, toi couldn't Kiss at all.
Justin: I meant at soccer.
Viola: Aw, really?
Justin: Absolutely. You're already better than half the guys on my team.
Viola: Hmm... probably plus than half.
[kisses justin]
Justin: What do toi mean I couldn't Kiss at all?
Viola: Don't worry, I've taught toi well.
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Duke: Why, why do toi always talk about girls in such graphic terms?
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Duke: [Using one of Viola's tampons after getting into a fight with Justin at the carnival] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work.
Viola: Oh my god you're hurt...
[clears throat]
Viola: I mean, suck it up, be a man and rub some dirt on it
Duke: Okay, I'll rub some dirt in it...
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Daphne: [after hearing about Viola breaking up with Justin] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don't toi rendez-vous amoureux, date him mom?
Daphne: [pauses to fantasize and giggles] oh no... I couldn't.
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Olivia: [to Viola at s’embrasser booth] Beware the old guy chewing gum... it's not gum.
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Viola: No man... if toi wanna Kiss her... toi go right ahead and toi Kiss her! I mean, knock your self out! toi just take her... then Kiss her. Then Kiss the crap out of her!
Duke: Okay
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Toby: [talking about Eunice] She's got a little somethin' somethin'.
Andrew: Yeah... asthma and headgear.
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Viola: toi know how it is. New school, new babe pool.
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Toby: I need your conseil man. I got lady troubles.
Viola: I'm here for toi bro. I got a lifetime of knowledge.
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Viola: So, uh, toi play the beautiful game... bros... brothers... brethren?
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Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw toi guys. I hate high school.
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Duke: I kinda got into it with your sisters ex.
Viola: Really. Why?
Duke: He kinda saw us making out at the s’embrasser booth.
Viola: Wait... toi kissed her?
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Coach Dinklage: [yelling] LET'S GO! KICK! KILL!
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Justin: [Justin blocks duke's shot] That's right. Didn't score on me last half won't score on this half. I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie.
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Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: [as Sebastian] I skipped a couple grades. I'm brilliant. Shh.
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[after getting hit in the crotch with a football ball par Toby]
Viola: [as Sebastian] Oh. Right. OWW! OH, FOR THE l’amour OF GOD! IT BURNS!
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Duke: I gotta go change my feet.
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Viola: Speaking as a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter...
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Viola: Speaking as a completely third party objective with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I'm not really sure that toi and Olivia really mesh well together.
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Viola: [as Sebastian, watching Kia strut away from him/her in front of Duke, Andrew, and Toby] I'd tap that.
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Principal Gold: What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not is to not.
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[to Eunice after Olivia and Sebastian/Viola leave Cesarios]
Duke: So... do toi like cheese?
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Duke: [after being left with Eunice in Cesario's] So, uh, do you... like cheese?
Eunice: plus than almost any other animal by-product.
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Sebastian: [indicating Viola's false sideburns] Are those real?
Viola: Oh yeah, I'm growing sideburns now- NO!
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Sebastian: [after falling over on the football pitch again] What am I doing? This isn't FUN.
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Toby: Is your sister hot?
Viola: [as Sebastian] Uh... I guess so... she's got a great personality
Toby: Ew
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Viola: Okay, who's your daddy?
Duke: Huh?
Viola: I got her to consider you! You're half way in man!
Duke: Um, uh, ok, so, should I ask her out?
Viola: No. toi don't want to freak her out, you've got to have a casual conversation first, hello?
Viola: [after Duke looks away in frustration] Why do I get the feeling toi don't do this very often?
Duke: Man, I just, I'm not really good at talking to girls.
Viola: Why? You're hot!
Duke: What?
Viola: [clears throat] Ya know, you're an appealing guy- man- guy- guy man.
Duke: Look, I don't know, I just always say the wrong- I just always say the wrong thing.
Viola: OK. Alright, come on, get up. I wanna trying something where I'm gonna act like a girl and you're gonna talk to me, ok?
Duke: Ew. Do, do I have to?
Viola: Yes. Cause, "I'm Viola. Duke, nice to meet you."
Duke: OK, that was creepy. toi really just sounded like a girl just then.
Viola: I used to imitate my sister all the time. I got really good at it. Come on, get up. Ask me some questions and if the chemistry's right, things will just start flowin'.
Duke: questions about what?
Viola: Anything. Ask me if I like... cheese.
Duke: [laughing] Um, ok. Do you... like... cheese?
Viola: [Girl's voice] Why yes I do. My favourite's gouda.
Duke: I like gouda too?
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Olivia: You're right.
Viola: I know.
Olivia: The suivant time I see Sebastian, I am gonna march right up to him...
Viola: toi march.
Olivia: ...I'm gonna tell him how I feel...
Viola: toi tell him.
Olivia: ...and then I'm going to Kiss him so passionately...
Viola: What?
Olivia: ...that even the people he hates will feel pleasure.
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Viola: I just can't do this.
Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. That came out wrong but toi know what I mean.
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Viola: So what about the thing... we talked about it... that you're gonna do later?...
Duke: What thing? I'm... I'm thingless...
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Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
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Coach Pistonek: Hi girls, heard the bad news.
Viola: Bad? It's a disaster!
Coach Pistonek: I know. Well if there's anything I can help toi with, toi just say the word.
Viola: As a matter of fact, there is. We want to try out for the boy's team.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: [laughs] Uh, anything besides that.
Viola: Coach, come on! toi know that we're good enough!
Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
Viola: All we're asking for is one shot.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: Girls, we have two weeks before school starts. Then we open against Illyria, a rivalry game. We have to win.
Viola: And we can help toi win.
Justin: Hey, baby. What's going on coach?
Coach Pistonek: Umm, girls here want to try out for the team.
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Viola: What are toi talking about? Why are toi lying?
Justin: Viola! End of discussion.
Viola: FINE. End of relationship.
Justin: Baby, don't be like that. I just don't want to see toi get hurt.
Viola: Aww. toi are so full of...
Coach Pistonek: [whistle blows] Back to practice.
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Viola: ...and when I close my eyes, I see toi for who toi truly are, which is UUUG-LAY.
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Viola: Be a man. Suck it up and rub some dirt in IT.
Duke: All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...
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Sebastian: [talking about musicians] Last time I heard, they don't need to know TRIGONOMETRY.
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Viola: toi know the percentage of bands that actually make it to the big time?
Sebastian: Probably the same as female football players...
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Andrew: [to Duke] Some guys just walk in the light toi know.
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Duke: [at the s’embrasser booth] What do toi think its going to be like?
Toby: It's going to be really special, she's just about kissed 300 guys at his point.
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Duke: It's just like what Coach says before every game: Be not afraid of greatness, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I think our best chance to be great here today, is to have toi play.
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Viola: [getting into catfight] toi are messing with the wrong man.
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Olivia: We could double. I'm sure Eunice is available.
Eunice: I am so there, it's insane.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Eunice!
[clears throat]
Viola: Uh, Eunice! Why didn't toi wake me?
Eunice: toi looked so serene. I made breakfast, darling.
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Malcolm: I am convinced he's hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little Lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have toi ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I...
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...
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Viola: What does your cœur, coeur tell you?
Duke: What?
Viola: I mean... which one would toi rather see NAKED?
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[Viola shows her bare boobs to prove she's a girl and earlier Sebastian showed his privates to prove he's a boy ]
Roger: Is it just me ou this football game have plus nudity than most?
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Coach Dinklage: [about to assign shirts and skins] OK, shirts and skins!
Viola: Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.
Coach Dinklage: What?
Viola: I'm allergic to the sun.
Coach Dinklage: ...You're allergic to the sun?
Viola: Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic.
Coach Dinklage: Well, we like to accomodate here in Illiria, so I'll follow toi around with a parasol. Alright, Nancy boy?
[looks at his clipboard]
Coach Dinklage: You're a shirt.
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Duke: What're toi gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.
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Sebastian: Besides, if toi want to chase your dreams, sometimes toi gotta break the rules, right?
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Viola: toi know what? If toi can't rejoindre 'em, beat 'em.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hi, Eunice. Sorry for running out on our date.
Eunice: It's okay. My intensity scares some people.
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Monique: Hello, Viola.
Viola: Oh, boy. This isn't good.
Monique: And hello to toi little... homewrecker.
Olivia: Uh, who are you?
Monique: I am Sebastian's girlfriend.
Viola: Ex-Girl-Friend.
Monique: Okay. Everybody's gotta stop saying that.
Olivia: Oh. toi were the one he dumped at the pizza parlor the other day.
Monique: Nonononononono, he did not dump me. We're just going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Olivia: Oh? I heard he dumped you. He dumped toi big. It was just like a big, huge dumping.
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Andrew: Freshman dorm's that-a-way, twiglet.
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Eunice: [wheezing] I'll be the best lab partner toi ever had
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Principal Gold: [referring to Sebastian] He's probably halfway to China par now, I mean, he showed his "willis and doodleberries"...
Sebastian: Present!
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Daphne: Nonsense! toi don't need a man to wear a beautiful dress!
Paul: But it doesn't hurt...
[Paul gets down on one knee in front of Viola]
Paul: Viola Hastings it would be my pleasure to escort you.
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Paul: Vi- be a good boy.
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Justin: Could toi be a girl for just 5 seconds
Viola: Ok... First of all it's not a stupid football issue and... you're a jerk. Oh look at that, times up.
[slaps him in the face]
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Viola: Quit blushing! That's lame.
Duke: Shut up, I'm not blushing.
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Viola: [figure emerges from the fog] I didn't think you'd montrer up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something.
Groundskeeper: I gotta turn the sprinklers on.
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: okay.
[pulls down his football shorts, everyone sees his privates]
Roger: [His Dad in the audience] That's my boy.
Eunice: football is the world's favori sport.
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Duke: Just because toi wear a wig, doesn't mean you're a girl.
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Duke: [after seeing Olivia nod at Viola and wave] Dude toi know her?
Viola: Talked to her for like a second.
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Duke: This is perfect. toi spend an heure with her every other day. toi can convince her to go out with me!
Viola: Dude, she's had that option for, like, three and a half years.
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Viola: I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I'm a badass hunky dude!
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Duke: toi know... it's crazy how wrong toi can be about a person... just crazy... toi think that they are one thing and then they turn out to be the exact opposite. toi know what? Save it. We were suppose to be friends.
Viola: We are friends.
[Duke showes Viola/Sebastian against the wall]
Duke: toi dont even know the meaning of the word.
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Duke: Its not gonna be that bad, Olivia's gonna be there. the perfect opportunity for me to lay some groundwork.
Viola: Oh, Olivia's gonna be there. And my sister, and Monique, and you, and my mom. great.
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Cheryl: [making bizarre arm gestures] Who's ready to come out?
Viola: [imitating her expression] Kill me.
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Viola: SEBASTIAN!
Daphne: Were toi just talking with your brother?
Viola: No. Yes. On the phone. He's at dad's. BYE DAD.
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Toby: [cough] Incoming.
Viola: Check out the booty on that blondie.
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Viola: [screaming with Duke, after seeing Malcom's spider] toi kill it! Your the man! Er... The... Bigger... Man!
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Viola: [seating Eunice down at Cesario's] Lady Pterodactyl
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Principal Gold: [interrupting the football game] I played football once... ou was it chess?
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Andrew: Yea, she gives great nods.
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Principal Gold: [to Sebastian/Viola] Have a great pomme and sandwich!
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Coach Dinklage: [after breaking up the fight on the football field] The rest of you! Get out there and play some real football... toi bunch of girls!
Principal Gold: [trying to copy Coach Dinklage's authority and shout his speech through the megaphone] Alright the rest of you, get out there and play some real football like a bunch of girls!
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Viola: This is *not* over.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hey. HEY! What up? toi must be my room-mates.
Duke: [laughs]
[Viola clears throat]
Duke: What-what's your name?
Viola: Sebastian Hastings.
Duke: Duke Orsino.
Viola: [grunts]
Duke: Um, ok, ok, ok, ok! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live suivant door.
Andrew: Yeah, freshman dorms thattaway, twiglet.
Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: I skipped a couple of grades. I'm brilliant, shh! Anyway, toi know when our football try-outs start?
Duke: Noon. toi play?
Viola: Absolutely. Centre-forward. toi know it, bra. So, uh, toi play the beautiful sport, bro? Brothers? Brethren?
Duke: Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs.
Viola: Schveet!
Duke: Ok, w-why do toi have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Um, I get really bad nose bleeds?
Andrew: So toi stick 'em up your nose?
Viola: Yeah! What, you've, you've never done that?
[Boys shake head]
Viola: Oh my! Beckhem does it all the time.
Duke: Serious?
Viola: Yes. Look, let me montrer toi how to do it. Take that off and whatever that is, and, and toi stick it right in. It absorbs right up!
Duke: That's disgusting!
Andrew: Oh my god! You're room-mates a freak!
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Principal Gold: There toi go. Have a great pomme and sandwich.
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Daphne: So Monique's getting toi all excited about being a debutant, huh?
Viola: Thuper duper exthited! Have a good carnival!
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Monique: Sebastian!
[Monique mistakes Viola for Sebastian]
Viola: Ow!
Monique: Eww... It's you. God toi and your brother look scarily alike from the back. I think it's your total lack of curves.
Viola: salut Monique, it's so good to see toi too!
Monique: Hmm. I'm looking for Sebastian. Where is he?
Viola: I don't know.
Monique: Just remind your brother how lucky he is to be in my life. And tell him to give me a all if he wants to stay in it, okay?
Viola: Okay. Does he have your number? 1-800-BEE-OTCH?
[laughs to herself]
Monique: [mimicks Viola] Nyenyenyenyenyeh?
Viola: She will do great things.
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Eunice: I know tricks.
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[sees Olivia switch s’embrasser booth places with Viola]
Duke: Just my luck.
[sees look on Viola's face]
Duke: No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, she's... toi know... Ok. Um, on the other hand you're also...
Viola: I am? Thanks, I, guess.
9 an Old Boy: toi don't have to flirt with her first, okay, genius? You're paying for it.
Duke: Haha, why don't toi just - relax.
[to Viola]
Duke: Um, um, um- maybe I should Kiss toi now, I gave that girl my ticket and I waited in line.
Viola: Well, it's the least I can do.
Duke: Uh, ok - here I go. Um - uh...
[They kiss]
Duke: Ok, I think that was one ticket's worth.
Viola: Na-uh, toi need a little bit more.
[she kisses him again]
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Principal Gold: I'd like to say 'welcome'.
[singing]
Principal Gold: Welcome to, Illyria, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome... to Illyria.
[speaking again]
Principal Gold: I just wanted to say 'welcome'!
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: Okay.
[pulls down his football shorts]
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Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Ask me if I like Cheese
Duke: Duke: Um, ok. Do toi like cheese?
Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Why yes I do, my favorite's Gouda
