Author’s Note: This is my sixth installment of POM skits. My first was regular link, seconde was link, third were link, the fourth showcased link in various antics, and the fifth showcased link. This installment is for the Dorski fans and was requested par KowalskiGeekGirl. Any titre with a Roman Numeral suivant to it has a skit note associated with it at the end. I hope toi enjoy!
51) Brain Dead
“Toss it to me! Toss it to me!” Private called from across the water.
Kowalski hit the plage ball in his direction. The team had decided to take a vacation at Manhattan Beach, and enjoyed swimming in the warm waters in a secluded area away from the humans.
“I’m open!” Skipper called waving his flippers in the air.
“Help!” a voice called in the distance.
Skipper turned his head to listen, which allowed the plage ball to hit him in the face in midst his distraction. He glared at Private.
“Sorry,” the young cadet a dit innocently. Skipper dismissed it and they looked around, trying to spot the source of the sound.
“Someone help me, please!” the voice called again.
“Skipper, there!” Kowalski a dit pointing down the coast. There was a figure washed ashore in the distance, seemingly immobilized.
“Move out, men!” Skipper ordered.
The penguins swam to rive and approached the figure. It was a dauphin Raiponce in a mess of old, tattered crabe netting.
“Are toi all right?” Skipper asked trying to see through the mess.
“Yes, but I can’t move! I’ve been stuck here for hours. The plus I struggle, the tighter the net gets,” she explained.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get toi out,” Skipper assured her. “Rico,” he ordered.
Rico regurgitated a Swiss army couteau and Skipper took it from him. He turned to Kowalski.
“Keep her talking. Make sure she doesn’t move,” he ordered. Kowalski saluted as Skipper moved to the net around her tail end.
“So, what’s your name?” Kowalski asked. He couldn’t see her through the netting.
“Doris,” she answered.
“I’m Kowalski. You’re going to be just fine,” he assured her. “Just keep still, all right?”
“All right,” Doris replied uncomfortably.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “So how did this happen?” he asked.
“I was swimming around near the coast and this net just fell on me. I tried to get it off, but it just wrapped around me. I managed to get to the coastline so I could breathe and the tide pulled me in,” she explained.
Kowalski glanced at Skipper, who’d managed to free half of her tail.
“Lucky toi were swimming along the coast, then,” Kowalski replied. “You don’t have a pod?”
“No, I like my independence,” Doris replied.
“I see,” Kowalski a dit with a smile. “Just a couple plus minutes.”
Skipper cut through some plus of the net and Rico and Private pulled the rest of it off her. Doris pushed herself up par her flippers and stretched her back and neck. She sighed with relief.
“Thank toi so much,” she a dit turning to them. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re penguins. What’s a few penguins doing around here?” she asked.
“We’re from the Central Park Zoo,” Private a dit cheerily. Skipper slapped him. “Sorry, Skipper,” he a dit rubbing his cheek.
Doris nodded slowly. “Um, okay. Well, thank toi for saving me,” she a dit with a smile. She looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Is he all right?” she asked warily.
Skipper looked at Kowalski, who was staring at Doris with an indecipherable expression.
“Kowalski,” Skipper called. He didn’t respond. Skipper waved his flipper in front of his face—still receiving no response. He slapped him and Kowalski shook his head in confusion.
“Wh-What?” he asked groggily.
“Are toi awake in there? What’s your deal, soldier?” Skipper asked folding his flippers disapprovingly.
Kowalski stuttered a little bit before finally saying, “S-Sorry.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s get her back into the ocean,” he ordered, dismissing Kowalski’s odd behavior.
Skipper and Private took Doris’ tail while Kowalski and Rico grabbed her torso. Kowalski couldn’t help but notice how soft her skin was. Being so close, he caught her eye and swallowed nervously. They were so blue. He snapped out of it when the others started carrying her forward. When they pulled her into the ocean, Doris colombe under and emerged a moment later, laughing with relief.
“Thank toi so much!” she a dit happily. She turned to them. “I never caught the rest of your names.”
Skipper swam forward. “I’m the Skipper. The cute one is Private, and this is Rico,” he a dit gesturing to his respective teammates.
“Well, if there’s ever anything I can do to repay you,” she offered.
“Don’t toi worry about that, Miss,” Skipper assured her.
“Please, call me Doris,” she replied with a smile. “Hope to see toi boys again.”
“Ditto,” Skipper replied with a salute. Doris colombe back under and swam off. Skipper turned to his team. “Good work, boys.” He looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Kowalski!”
Kowalski was staring at the water where Doris had colombe under as if she might resurface there. Stars were in his eyes and he was smiling calmly, as if all was right in the world.
“What’s wrong with him, Skipper?” Private asked.
Skipper studied him. Then he groaned and threw his head back as he smacked his flipper to his forehead.
“What is it, Skipper?” Private asked again. “Is Kowalski ill?”
“Worse,” Skipper a dit rubbing his temples. “He’s in love.”
52) Planning for the Future [XXIV]
“I just don’t understand why you’re so head-over-tail feathers for her,” Skipper a dit rolling his eyes. “She’s rejected you—what, nine times now?”
Kowalski sighed. “I don’t know. I just can’t get over her. She’s so beautiful and perfect, and beautiful,” he a dit going into a daze. He realized Skipper was staring at him and he cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just can’t give up.”
Skipper folded his flippers. “Okay, I understand that. I’m not trying to down your confidence, but I just don’t understand why she would say yes the tenth time toi asked her when she’s already a dit no nine times. I’m pretty sure she’s not just playing hard to get,” he a dit regretfully.
Kowalski smiled. “Well, once she sees how much I want her, I think she’ll give me a chance,” he a dit optimistically.
“Or just think you’re desperate,” Skipper suggested.
Kowalski frowned and rolled his eyes. “You’ll see. One jour I’m going to win her cœur, coeur and become her seconde husband.”
Skipper arched an eyebrow. “What happened to her first?”
Kowalski narrowed his eyes. “Nothing toi can prove.”
53) Family Dinner [XXV]
“Francis!” Doris a dit as her brother swam to her at the surface of the ocean. “Happy Thanksgiving!” she a dit wrapping her flippers around her brother’s neck.
“Happy Thanksgiving, dear sister,” her brother replied returning the hug.
“Happy Thanksgiving, son,” an older dauphin a dit as she came over with her flippers open.
Francis hugged his mother. “Happy Thanksgiving, mom,” he told her.
“So, how have toi been? We haven’t heard from toi in months! I’ve been worried,” Francis’ mother asked.
“Things have been just fine,” Francis replied bittersweetly. “I’ve just been working on a little project. I can’t give toi the details, but I assure toi it will be heartstopping,” he a dit putting a flipper over his cœur, coeur with a grin.
Doris arched an eyebrow, but dismissed the commentaire with a roll of her eyes.
“Projects,” their mother scoffed, “when are toi gonna make something of yourself, Francis? Your sister here is putting herself out there, looking for a mate. What are toi doing? Making projects. When are toi going to settle down with a nice girl? I want some grandchildren before I sleep with the fishes!” she scolded.
Francis rolled his eyes. “Mother, I told toi that I’m not interested in romantic relationships right now,” he a dit impatiently. He’d had this conversation with her a million times.
Doris broke in before the argument could continue. “How about we just eat? I spent all morning catching poisson so we could have a nice time together,” she complained.
“Yes, Doris is right, mother,” Francis agreed. “We shouldn’t argue on Thanksgiving.”
Their mother sighed impatiently. “Fine. We’ll have dinner.”
The three of them swam under a dock, where Doris had stashed the poisson she’d caught in a caisse she near the shore. They started eating.
“So, how many relationships has it been since I saw toi last?” Francis asked his sister giving her a sideways glance.
Doris forced a laugh. “Always my brother with a since of humor!” she said. When her mother turned away, she gave him a hard stare and he glared back. They both continued eating like nothing happened when their mother refocused her attention.
“Well, she’s going through a phase,” their mother commenté with underlying irritability. “She was perfectly fine going with her own kind when she had to start going out with other species.”
“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with trying new things,” Doris complained.
“What kind of species are we talking?” Francis asked arching the brow of his good eye.
“Well,” their mother started before Doris could answer, “there was a manatee, an orca, a penguin, a—”
“Whoa, whoa, wait,” Francis a dit holding up a flipper. “Back up. Did toi say penguin?” he asked.
“Yes,” Doris a dit with a wave of her flipper, “I went out on one rendez-vous amoureux, date with him, but I just don’t think we really go together.”
“Yeah, because he’s not your species,” her mother scolded.
Doris rolled her eyes. “Anyways, he keeps asking me for a seconde chance. I told him we should just be friends, but he keeps pursuing me. I kind of feel sorry for him.”
Francis leaned in closer with an urgent expression. “What’s his name?” he asked narrowing his eyes.
“Kowalski,” Doris answered, eyeing her brother curiously. “Why?”
Francis blinked. Then he eyed the poisson in the crate. “Nothing,” he a dit in a strained voice. “I just Lost my appetite.”
54) Court Marshall
Skipper took his place behind Alice’s bureau in the manchot, pingouin HQ, wearing Mason’s powdered wig and gripping the chimps’ mallet.
“This court marshall is now in session,” he a dit double-tapping the mallet on the desk. “Our new and improved court reporter is present.”
Maurice sighed. “I still don’t know how to spell, but this is better than waiting on Julien,” he a dit impassively.
Skipper continued. “Prosecution, what are the charges?”
Private adjusted his tie. “Your Honor, I charge the defendant with reckless obsession and endangering a covert operation!” he a dit pointing at Kowalski.
“Defense Attorney Rico,” Skipper said, “your response.”
Rico was paying no attention, and instead had found amusement with balancing several pencils on his beak.
“Can I please have a new defense attorney?!” Kowalski protested angrily.
“Your Honor,” Private started, Kowalski’s request ignored, “let’s go back to the mission in question.”
Private proceeded to explain the situation to the court. The précédant night, the penguins had been sent a suspicious note telling them to meet an anonymous person at the harbor.
“All right, men,” Skipper a dit to his teammates as they trailed behind him, “stay frosty.”
Skipper scanned the area around a corner and ushered the team to file out. They ducked around the corner and shuffled along the suivant wall. Then they leapt onto their bellies and slid to the pile of crates ahead, hiding behind them.
Skipper turned to his men and made a series of hand gestures that told them to divisé, split up; Kowalski and Private would go one way and he and Rico would go another. Rico provided each pair with a walkie-talkie. They parted ways.
“Team Sauerkraut, report,” Skipper’s voice a dit on Kowalski and Private’s walkie-talkie.
“Nothing suspicious, Skipper,” Kowalski replied. He furrowed his brow. “Team Sauerkraut?”
“What? I haven’t eaten since lunch,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski and Private rolled their eyes. Then they continued their search.
“We have a visual on a suspect. Identity unknown,” Skipper a dit a few minutes later. “Meet us in Sector Omega Bravo,” he ordered, “by the caisse at the southeast corner.”
Kowalski and Private nodded to each other and started to déplacer out. Then they heard a splash in the water over the edge of the harbor suivant to them.
“Go on, I’ll investigate,” Kowalski a dit to Private. Private nodded and left as Kowalski cautiously approached the edge of the boardwalk.
“Let the record show,” Private continued, bringing everyone’s mind back to the courtroom, “that the sound we heard that night was none other than Doris the dolphin, Kowalski’s l’amour interest for seven and a half years!”
“Objection!” Kowalski protested.
“Only your attorney can object,” Skipper a dit pointing his mallet at Rico, who had moved on from the pencils to creating a paper clip motorcycle. Then he started driving it around his little table, tableau making engine sounds with his throat. Kowalski facepalmed.
“Go on, Prosecutor Private,” Skipper a dit gesturing with his flipper.
“Let the record also montrer that he had become so distracted with Doris, that he did not notice his radio become submerged in the ocean, and therefore did not hear our call for backup!” Private explained. He turned to Kowalski. “And what happened while toi were busy with your little distraction?” he asked giving him a hard look.
Kowalski fidgeted. “Hans escaped,” he answered quietly, “again.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Private a dit leaning in with his flipper cupped around his earhole.
“Hans escaped, all right?” Kowalski answered irritably.
“That’s right,” Private a dit matter-of-factly as he turned toward Skipper.
“Defense Attorney Rico, care to traverser, croix examine?” he asked Rico, who now was throwing plus paper clips at Maurice.
Maurice batted another paper clip away. “Will toi quit!” he a dit angrily. Rico laughed.
Kowalski buried his face into his flippers. “I hate love.”
55) The Root of the Matter
Skipper entered the HQ to see Kowalski’s lab door cracked open. He heard him mumbling irritably inside, but he couldn’t make out what he was saying. He peeked inside to see him pacing in front of a world map that had thumbtacks placed here and there in the Atlantic Ocean with yarn stretched across them.
“What’s going on, Kowalski?” Skipper asked entering his lab.
Kowalski sideways glanced at him, but then he shook his head with his eyes closed as if trying to concentrate. He continued to mumble to himself.
Skipper rolled his eyes and held up his test tube set. “Kowalski, start talking ou the nerd trinkets gets it,” he a dit flatly.
Kowalski turned to him in surprise. “No! Not those!” he a dit lunging vers l'avant, vers l’avant and snatching them from his leader. He cradled them in his flippers. “It’s okay, Daddy’s here,” he whispered as he assured himself they weren’t damaged.
Skipper rolled his eyes again. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked impatiently.
Kowalski looked at him irritably and placed his test tube set at the far end of the table, tableau away from Skipper. “Not really,” he answered finally.
Skipper folded his flippers. “Well, I’m your commanding officer, so I order toi to explain to me what you’re doing,” he commanded.
Kowalski sighed. “Um . . . well, I may have heard a rumor that, uh . . .” He finished his sentence inaudibly.
Skipper narrowed his eyes. “You’re making your ‘lovesick for Doris’ face,” he observed suspiciously.
Kowalski blinked and shook his head, his brow lowering in annoyance. “I do not have a lovesick for Doris face,” he objected.
Skipper arched an unconvinced eyebrow. Kowalski broke eye contact.
“What is it this time, Kowalski?” Skipper asked again. “Is she heading for waters off the coast of New York again?”
Kowalski stood his ground. “I a dit this isn’t about Doris,” he argued.
Skipper lifted his head and shifted his weight, giving him a hard stare. Kowalski pouted and folded his flippers. Then he cleared his throat. “I may have heard a rumor that she’s started seeing someone new,” he admitted finally.
Skipper nodded. “Okay, and what’s all this about?” he asked regarding his map.
Kowalski shifted again and studied the floor as if the meaning of life was etched into it. “I may ou may not be trying to find her so I can totally not break them up in a way that may ou may not be inhumane,” he a dit tracing his toe in an arc in front of him.
He looked back up with Skipper, who was staring at him with disapproval.
“What?” Kowalski cried defensively. “Don’t look at me like that!”
“Kowalski, toi know it’s Doris’ business who she wants to date,” Skipper said.
“But—!”
“No buts, Kowalski! We have plus important things to worry about,” Skipper insisted. Kowalski tried to protest, but Skipper kept cutting him off.
“I—!”
“Nope.”
“But Skip—!”
“Ah!”
“That’s not—!”
“No-ho!” Skipper a dit holding a flipper to Kowalski’s beak. “You need to stop worrying about this so much. toi know Doris’ relationships don’t last long.”
Kowalski folded his flippers. “That’s not the problem, Skipper. The problem is that they exist in the first place.”
56) Extinguishing the Fire [XXVI]
“I’ll—see toi later, then?” Kowalski asked with a nervous laugh.
Doris giggled. “Looking vers l'avant, vers l’avant to it, Kowalski,” she replied.
Kowalski started laughing nervously as the team started pulling him back. He stumbled over his own feet.
“Come on, Kowalski,” Skipper urged. “We need to go home.”
Kowalski looked at Skipper with a smile. “You’re a good leader, Skipper,” he a dit with slurred speech, as if he were drunk.
Skipper arched an eyebrow as the penguins helped him into the backseat of the car. He put his elbow on the door and propped his face up par his fist with an overly-calm look on his face.
“Skipper,” Private said, “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“He’s been pursuing Doris for a long time now, young Private. Now that she’s accepted a relationship with him, he’s gonna be like this for weeks,” Skipper a dit rolling his eyes.
“Hey. Private,” Kowalski a dit to the young cadet that was sitting suivant to him.
“Yes, Kowalski?” Private asked watching him carefully.
Kowalski hugged him. “You are the cutest manchot, pingouin ever. I l’amour you, toi little scamp,” he a dit ruffling the feathers on Private’s head.
“Skipper!” Private protested, like a child complaining about his older brother.
“Kowalski, release the Private,” Skipper a dit from the driver’s seat.
Private finally succeeded in shoving Kowalski back to his side of the seat. He leaned forward.
“Hey, Rico,” he called. Rico turned to look at him from the passenger seat. “I l’amour you, too, toi crazy nut,” he a dit reaching for his head to ruffle his feathers, too, but Rico batted his flipper away. Kowalski leaned over the siège trying to hug him. “Don’t fight it, Rico! Come here, toi beautiful person!”
Rico started to protest and fought to get the lovestruck Kowalski off him. Skipper started yelling at them to stop, but no one could hear him over Kowalski and Rico arguing.
“You two stop that this instant! I will turn this thing around!”
All of the sudden, a flipper came out of nowhere and came down on the back of Kowalski’s neck, sending him into a happy slumber. Private pulled Kowalski back into his siège and his head rolled to one side, a goofy smile plastered across his face.
Skipper sighed with relief. “Private, you’ve just been promoted.”
57) Security [XXVII]
The penguins sighed with exhaustion as they returned to the zoo. It’d been a long night.
“Well, that was a crazy night!” Julien a dit trotting beside them. “How could toi four be tired after all that excitement! I mean, I was so awesome. Admit it.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Look, Ringtail, I just got back my memory and fought a giant iPod controlled par an evil dauphin all in one night. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re beat.”
Julien scoffed. “You guys have, like, zero stamina,” he a dit examining his paw.
“I’m surprised toi even know what stamina means,” Kowalski muttered. A thought occurred to him and he looked up at Julien. “How did toi get to my power cell, anyhow? I had it under tight security.”
Julien laughed. “Tight security?” he repeated. “Please, it was easy peasy to be hacking.”
Kowalski looked offended. “Easy?” he protested. “How could toi possibly have figured out my password?”
“Eh, technically, Mort figured it out,” Julien said. Mort jumped up with a happy cheer and Julien shoved him to the side.
“Mort?!” Kowalski repeated in horror.
“Well, I mean, toi can’t choose a mot de passe that obvious. Everyone knows about the dauphin lady that broke you. Mort could have figured that out in his sleep!” Julien taunted.
Kowalski started mumbling under his breath.
“You seriously made your mot de passe ‘Doris’?” Skipper asked. “I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Ringtail. That is so predictable.”
“Well, maybe I was thinking that since it was so predictable no one would try it because they wouldn’t think I’d be so obvious. Think about it that way? Hm?” Kowalski challenged.
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Kowalski, my spirit guide could have come up with a better mot de passe than that.”
58) Practice Makes Perfect . . . Most of the Time
Kowalski cleared his throat. “Um, Doris, uh . . .” His voice trailed and he tried to think of something to break the ice. “You look fabulous today,” he a dit finally. “Well, toi look fabulous every day, but uh . . .” He shook his head in frustration. Then he took a deep breath and smiled.
“Doris! Hey, I didn’t see toi there. How’s it going? . . . Good for me, too. I’m all right. So, um, I hear you’re available again and was wondering if—maybe—possibly—you wouldn’t mind—going out with me sometime? . . . Heh, that sounds great. Friday? Eight o’clock?”
He sighed and shook his head. “No, that’s no good.” He looked back into the mirror. He couldn’t help but grimace at the manchot, pingouin staring back at him. “Come on, toi nancy cat. toi can do this,” he said, trying to encourage himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Then he smiled suavely.
“Hey. Baby. What’s shakin’?” He grunted in frustration and banged his head into the frame of the mirror in rhythm with his self-scolding. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
He sighed. When he looked back into the mirror, he nearly jumped out of his feathers and whipped around. “Skipper!” he shouted in surprise. “What are toi doing here?” he asked nervously looking around the room.
Skipper, who was leaning against the doorframe with his flippers folded over his chest, arched an eyebrow. “I live here,” he replied.
Kowalski coughed. “Right. . . . How long have toi been standing there?” he asked timidly.
Skipper shrugged. “Long enough,” he replied. “I take it Doris broke up with her latest fling?”
Kowalski shifted on his feet. “Maybe,” he answered softly.
“No offense, but I don’t get why you’re practicing what you’re going to say when toi know you’re just going to trip over all your words when toi see her, anyway,” Skipper a dit impassively.
Kowalski frowned irritably and folded his flippers. “I resent that.”
59) Desperation
“Kowalski, I will do anything to get toi to come out of your bunk,” Skipper pleaded with his lieutenant.
Kowalski didn’t déplacer a muscle. “There’s nothing toi can do, Skipper. Not even time can mend my broken heart,” he a dit to the mur with his back to him.
Skipper groaned and put his face in his flipper.
“What are we gonna do, Skipper?” Private asked with concern for his teammate.
“I don’t know, Private. He does this every time Doris rejects him and I can never figure out how to get him out of bed. Not even science is a motivation,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski choked. “That’s because in my heart, science comes in seconde place to—” He sniffed. “Doris!” he wailed into his pillow.
The others cringed and exchanged looks. They turned toward the hatch when Julien dropped in with Maurice and Mort.
“What is with all the crying and the wailing! It is interrupting my mani-pedi!” Julien asked angrily.
“What’s up with Kowalski?” Maurice asked regarding the manchot, pingouin weeping in the bottom bunk.
“Doris rejected him again,” Private answered.
“You mean the marsouin, marsouin commun lady?” Julien asked.
“She’s a dolphin!” Kowalski complained.
Julien rolled his eyes. “Buddy! You’ve got to pull yourself together!” he a dit crossing his arms.
“Let it go, Ringtail,” Skipper said. “We’ve all tried talking some sense into him, but none of us have been successful.”
“Well,” Julien started indignantly, “that is because he has not seen—” he leaned against the mur and shot a finger gun at the penguins— “the king of love.”
Skipper tried not to bust out laughing. “The king of love?” he repeated. He looked at Kowalski. “Well, it might be the desperation talking, but be my guest,” he a dit holding his flipper out to his lieutenant.
Julien adjusted his crown and cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, smelly penguin,” he a dit before turning to Kowalski. “All right, you! Class is in session!” he a dit grabbing his flipper and dragging him from the bed.
“No,” Kowalski complained. “Skipper, make him stop!” he a dit plopping on the floor par his bunk.
“Oh, no,” Julien replied before Skipper could answer. “We are going to get toi back in the game!”
“I’ve already lost,” Kowalski a dit curling in the fetal position and leaning against the wall.
Julien hoisted him up par his under-flippers. Then he slapped him. “You have got to get it together! toi think this will make the marsouin, marsouin commun lady l’amour you?”
“Dolphin!” Kowalski corrected again.
“Whatever!” Julien snapped. “You need to stop all this whining! I don’t have any ideas of what would make a manchot, pingouin attractive, but I know it is not this! Trust me, I know a thing ou two about being attractive!”
Maurice rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”
Kowalski tried to pull away. “Julien, I really don’t—”
“Nonsense!” Julien interrupted. “If toi want to win this lady’s heart, you’ve got to be smooth! You’ve got to be cool! You’ve got to be confident! toi got to go up to this lady and say, Baby, I l’amour you!”
“I have told her that!” Kowalski complained.
“It is all about delivery,” Julien a dit holding up his index finger. “Ladies don’t want some desperate sap that cries like a baleine every time he gets rejected!”
Kowalski pouted. “I don’t cry like a—”
“Now,” Julien interrupted, putting an arm around his shoulders, “you are going to go up to this marsouin, marsouin commun lady with your head held high and—you’re not going to ask her out, no!—you’re going to tell her when you’re picking her up! Do toi understand?” he asked pointing a finger at his face.
Kowalski stared at his finger as if he might bite it off.
“Good!” Julien a dit backing off. “Maurice! Fetch my beauty supplies! We are going to make this manchot, pingouin irresistible!” he ordered. “Eh, but get the cheaper ones,” he added.
Maurice sighed. “Yes, your highness,” he a dit heading for the hatch.
“Julien, I am not going to let toi give me a makeover!” Kowalski a dit angrily. “And I don’t need your relationship advice!”
“Well, obviously, toi do!” Julien argued. “On both accountings!”
“Skipper!” Kowalski complained again.
Skipper turned to Julien. “How ‘bout we just stick to the relationship advice?” he implied plus than suggested. He turned to Private. “Did I really just say that?”
“Pft!” Julien scoffed. “I know exactly what I’m doing. I am the King of Love! Come, penguin!” he a dit grabbing Kowalski’s flipper and dragging him to the hatch.
“Julien, I don’t want to—AH!” he cried as Julien tossed him up the hatch.
“Be seeing toi guys later!” Julien a dit before clambering out of the hatch after Kowalski.
“Wait for me, King Julien!” Mort called as he followed suit.
Skipper turned to Rico and Private. “Okay. Maybe I let this get a little too out of hand.”
60) Psychiatric Assessment
Skipper held up another ink blot.
“Hm,” Private a dit narrowing his eyes, “a Lunacorn,” he decided.
Skipper rolled his eyes and made a note. “Well, I should fail toi for that last choice, but I’ll let it slide since you’re expendable.”
Private blinked. “What?”
“What?” Skipper a dit innocently. Private frowned irritably and left the table. Kowalski sat down next.
“I still don’t get the point of assessing us psychiatrically. What are toi gonna do if Rico fails?” Kowalski asked.
“This isn’t about pass ou fail, Kowalski,” Skipper replied. “It’s about tapping into your minds! And knowing how toi think and perceive things!”
Kowalski sighed. “Fine. Let’s get this over with,” he a dit propping his head up par his fist.
Skipper held up an ink blot.
“Electron microscope,” Kowalski a dit after thinking for a moment.
Skipper looked at the blot, and then looked at Kowalski. “O—kay,” he a dit making a note. He held up the suivant blot.
“Centrifuge,” Kowalski said.
“What the halibut is a central-fuge?” Skipper asked in an annoyed confusion.
“An apparatus that rotates at a high speed and par centrifugal force, separates substances at different densities,” Kowalski explained.
Skipper sighed and made another note. “Can toi give me something non-nerd this time?” he asked holding the suivant blot up.
Kowalski rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He studied the blot. “Doris.”
“What?” Skipper protested looking at the blot. “This looks nothing like Doris!”
“It does if toi put her picture in a kaleidoscope,” Kowalski replied.
Skipper pressed his beak shut and looked from Kowalski to the blots. Then he stood and threw his pencil into the air. “You all pass. I’m done here.”
— § —
[XXIV] Inspiration for that came from an episode of iCarly, “iSpy A Mean Teacher” (Season 1, Episode 8). Freddie a dit something similar to Carly.
[XXV] In The manchot, pingouin Who Loved Me, Doris claims that she will never invite Blowhole over for Thanksgiving dîner again. I thought it might be interesting to look at one of the dinners they’d had together in the past. par the way, Francis is Dr. Blowhole’s first name, in case toi haven’t seen the episode.
[XXVI] This follows The manchot, pingouin Who Loved Me.
[XXVII] This follows The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
51) Brain Dead
“Toss it to me! Toss it to me!” Private called from across the water.
Kowalski hit the plage ball in his direction. The team had decided to take a vacation at Manhattan Beach, and enjoyed swimming in the warm waters in a secluded area away from the humans.
“I’m open!” Skipper called waving his flippers in the air.
“Help!” a voice called in the distance.
Skipper turned his head to listen, which allowed the plage ball to hit him in the face in midst his distraction. He glared at Private.
“Sorry,” the young cadet a dit innocently. Skipper dismissed it and they looked around, trying to spot the source of the sound.
“Someone help me, please!” the voice called again.
“Skipper, there!” Kowalski a dit pointing down the coast. There was a figure washed ashore in the distance, seemingly immobilized.
“Move out, men!” Skipper ordered.
The penguins swam to rive and approached the figure. It was a dauphin Raiponce in a mess of old, tattered crabe netting.
“Are toi all right?” Skipper asked trying to see through the mess.
“Yes, but I can’t move! I’ve been stuck here for hours. The plus I struggle, the tighter the net gets,” she explained.
“Don’t worry, we’ll get toi out,” Skipper assured her. “Rico,” he ordered.
Rico regurgitated a Swiss army couteau and Skipper took it from him. He turned to Kowalski.
“Keep her talking. Make sure she doesn’t move,” he ordered. Kowalski saluted as Skipper moved to the net around her tail end.
“So, what’s your name?” Kowalski asked. He couldn’t see her through the netting.
“Doris,” she answered.
“I’m Kowalski. You’re going to be just fine,” he assured her. “Just keep still, all right?”
“All right,” Doris replied uncomfortably.
Kowalski thought for a moment. “So how did this happen?” he asked.
“I was swimming around near the coast and this net just fell on me. I tried to get it off, but it just wrapped around me. I managed to get to the coastline so I could breathe and the tide pulled me in,” she explained.
Kowalski glanced at Skipper, who’d managed to free half of her tail.
“Lucky toi were swimming along the coast, then,” Kowalski replied. “You don’t have a pod?”
“No, I like my independence,” Doris replied.
“I see,” Kowalski a dit with a smile. “Just a couple plus minutes.”
Skipper cut through some plus of the net and Rico and Private pulled the rest of it off her. Doris pushed herself up par her flippers and stretched her back and neck. She sighed with relief.
“Thank toi so much,” she a dit turning to them. She raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re penguins. What’s a few penguins doing around here?” she asked.
“We’re from the Central Park Zoo,” Private a dit cheerily. Skipper slapped him. “Sorry, Skipper,” he a dit rubbing his cheek.
Doris nodded slowly. “Um, okay. Well, thank toi for saving me,” she a dit with a smile. She looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Is he all right?” she asked warily.
Skipper looked at Kowalski, who was staring at Doris with an indecipherable expression.
“Kowalski,” Skipper called. He didn’t respond. Skipper waved his flipper in front of his face—still receiving no response. He slapped him and Kowalski shook his head in confusion.
“Wh-What?” he asked groggily.
“Are toi awake in there? What’s your deal, soldier?” Skipper asked folding his flippers disapprovingly.
Kowalski stuttered a little bit before finally saying, “S-Sorry.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Come on, let’s get her back into the ocean,” he ordered, dismissing Kowalski’s odd behavior.
Skipper and Private took Doris’ tail while Kowalski and Rico grabbed her torso. Kowalski couldn’t help but notice how soft her skin was. Being so close, he caught her eye and swallowed nervously. They were so blue. He snapped out of it when the others started carrying her forward. When they pulled her into the ocean, Doris colombe under and emerged a moment later, laughing with relief.
“Thank toi so much!” she a dit happily. She turned to them. “I never caught the rest of your names.”
Skipper swam forward. “I’m the Skipper. The cute one is Private, and this is Rico,” he a dit gesturing to his respective teammates.
“Well, if there’s ever anything I can do to repay you,” she offered.
“Don’t toi worry about that, Miss,” Skipper assured her.
“Please, call me Doris,” she replied with a smile. “Hope to see toi boys again.”
“Ditto,” Skipper replied with a salute. Doris colombe back under and swam off. Skipper turned to his team. “Good work, boys.” He looked at Kowalski and frowned. “Kowalski!”
Kowalski was staring at the water where Doris had colombe under as if she might resurface there. Stars were in his eyes and he was smiling calmly, as if all was right in the world.
“What’s wrong with him, Skipper?” Private asked.
Skipper studied him. Then he groaned and threw his head back as he smacked his flipper to his forehead.
“What is it, Skipper?” Private asked again. “Is Kowalski ill?”
“Worse,” Skipper a dit rubbing his temples. “He’s in love.”
52) Planning for the Future [XXIV]
“I just don’t understand why you’re so head-over-tail feathers for her,” Skipper a dit rolling his eyes. “She’s rejected you—what, nine times now?”
Kowalski sighed. “I don’t know. I just can’t get over her. She’s so beautiful and perfect, and beautiful,” he a dit going into a daze. He realized Skipper was staring at him and he cleared his throat. “Anyway, I just can’t give up.”
Skipper folded his flippers. “Okay, I understand that. I’m not trying to down your confidence, but I just don’t understand why she would say yes the tenth time toi asked her when she’s already a dit no nine times. I’m pretty sure she’s not just playing hard to get,” he a dit regretfully.
Kowalski smiled. “Well, once she sees how much I want her, I think she’ll give me a chance,” he a dit optimistically.
“Or just think you’re desperate,” Skipper suggested.
Kowalski frowned and rolled his eyes. “You’ll see. One jour I’m going to win her cœur, coeur and become her seconde husband.”
Skipper arched an eyebrow. “What happened to her first?”
Kowalski narrowed his eyes. “Nothing toi can prove.”
53) Family Dinner [XXV]
“Francis!” Doris a dit as her brother swam to her at the surface of the ocean. “Happy Thanksgiving!” she a dit wrapping her flippers around her brother’s neck.
“Happy Thanksgiving, dear sister,” her brother replied returning the hug.
“Happy Thanksgiving, son,” an older dauphin a dit as she came over with her flippers open.
Francis hugged his mother. “Happy Thanksgiving, mom,” he told her.
“So, how have toi been? We haven’t heard from toi in months! I’ve been worried,” Francis’ mother asked.
“Things have been just fine,” Francis replied bittersweetly. “I’ve just been working on a little project. I can’t give toi the details, but I assure toi it will be heartstopping,” he a dit putting a flipper over his cœur, coeur with a grin.
Doris arched an eyebrow, but dismissed the commentaire with a roll of her eyes.
“Projects,” their mother scoffed, “when are toi gonna make something of yourself, Francis? Your sister here is putting herself out there, looking for a mate. What are toi doing? Making projects. When are toi going to settle down with a nice girl? I want some grandchildren before I sleep with the fishes!” she scolded.
Francis rolled his eyes. “Mother, I told toi that I’m not interested in romantic relationships right now,” he a dit impatiently. He’d had this conversation with her a million times.
Doris broke in before the argument could continue. “How about we just eat? I spent all morning catching poisson so we could have a nice time together,” she complained.
“Yes, Doris is right, mother,” Francis agreed. “We shouldn’t argue on Thanksgiving.”
Their mother sighed impatiently. “Fine. We’ll have dinner.”
The three of them swam under a dock, where Doris had stashed the poisson she’d caught in a caisse she near the shore. They started eating.
“So, how many relationships has it been since I saw toi last?” Francis asked his sister giving her a sideways glance.
Doris forced a laugh. “Always my brother with a since of humor!” she said. When her mother turned away, she gave him a hard stare and he glared back. They both continued eating like nothing happened when their mother refocused her attention.
“Well, she’s going through a phase,” their mother commenté with underlying irritability. “She was perfectly fine going with her own kind when she had to start going out with other species.”
“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with trying new things,” Doris complained.
“What kind of species are we talking?” Francis asked arching the brow of his good eye.
“Well,” their mother started before Doris could answer, “there was a manatee, an orca, a penguin, a—”
“Whoa, whoa, wait,” Francis a dit holding up a flipper. “Back up. Did toi say penguin?” he asked.
“Yes,” Doris a dit with a wave of her flipper, “I went out on one rendez-vous amoureux, date with him, but I just don’t think we really go together.”
“Yeah, because he’s not your species,” her mother scolded.
Doris rolled her eyes. “Anyways, he keeps asking me for a seconde chance. I told him we should just be friends, but he keeps pursuing me. I kind of feel sorry for him.”
Francis leaned in closer with an urgent expression. “What’s his name?” he asked narrowing his eyes.
“Kowalski,” Doris answered, eyeing her brother curiously. “Why?”
Francis blinked. Then he eyed the poisson in the crate. “Nothing,” he a dit in a strained voice. “I just Lost my appetite.”
54) Court Marshall
Skipper took his place behind Alice’s bureau in the manchot, pingouin HQ, wearing Mason’s powdered wig and gripping the chimps’ mallet.
“This court marshall is now in session,” he a dit double-tapping the mallet on the desk. “Our new and improved court reporter is present.”
Maurice sighed. “I still don’t know how to spell, but this is better than waiting on Julien,” he a dit impassively.
Skipper continued. “Prosecution, what are the charges?”
Private adjusted his tie. “Your Honor, I charge the defendant with reckless obsession and endangering a covert operation!” he a dit pointing at Kowalski.
“Defense Attorney Rico,” Skipper said, “your response.”
Rico was paying no attention, and instead had found amusement with balancing several pencils on his beak.
“Can I please have a new defense attorney?!” Kowalski protested angrily.
“Your Honor,” Private started, Kowalski’s request ignored, “let’s go back to the mission in question.”
Private proceeded to explain the situation to the court. The précédant night, the penguins had been sent a suspicious note telling them to meet an anonymous person at the harbor.
“All right, men,” Skipper a dit to his teammates as they trailed behind him, “stay frosty.”
Skipper scanned the area around a corner and ushered the team to file out. They ducked around the corner and shuffled along the suivant wall. Then they leapt onto their bellies and slid to the pile of crates ahead, hiding behind them.
Skipper turned to his men and made a series of hand gestures that told them to divisé, split up; Kowalski and Private would go one way and he and Rico would go another. Rico provided each pair with a walkie-talkie. They parted ways.
“Team Sauerkraut, report,” Skipper’s voice a dit on Kowalski and Private’s walkie-talkie.
“Nothing suspicious, Skipper,” Kowalski replied. He furrowed his brow. “Team Sauerkraut?”
“What? I haven’t eaten since lunch,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski and Private rolled their eyes. Then they continued their search.
“We have a visual on a suspect. Identity unknown,” Skipper a dit a few minutes later. “Meet us in Sector Omega Bravo,” he ordered, “by the caisse at the southeast corner.”
Kowalski and Private nodded to each other and started to déplacer out. Then they heard a splash in the water over the edge of the harbor suivant to them.
“Go on, I’ll investigate,” Kowalski a dit to Private. Private nodded and left as Kowalski cautiously approached the edge of the boardwalk.
“Let the record show,” Private continued, bringing everyone’s mind back to the courtroom, “that the sound we heard that night was none other than Doris the dolphin, Kowalski’s l’amour interest for seven and a half years!”
“Objection!” Kowalski protested.
“Only your attorney can object,” Skipper a dit pointing his mallet at Rico, who had moved on from the pencils to creating a paper clip motorcycle. Then he started driving it around his little table, tableau making engine sounds with his throat. Kowalski facepalmed.
“Go on, Prosecutor Private,” Skipper a dit gesturing with his flipper.
“Let the record also montrer that he had become so distracted with Doris, that he did not notice his radio become submerged in the ocean, and therefore did not hear our call for backup!” Private explained. He turned to Kowalski. “And what happened while toi were busy with your little distraction?” he asked giving him a hard look.
Kowalski fidgeted. “Hans escaped,” he answered quietly, “again.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Private a dit leaning in with his flipper cupped around his earhole.
“Hans escaped, all right?” Kowalski answered irritably.
“That’s right,” Private a dit matter-of-factly as he turned toward Skipper.
“Defense Attorney Rico, care to traverser, croix examine?” he asked Rico, who now was throwing plus paper clips at Maurice.
Maurice batted another paper clip away. “Will toi quit!” he a dit angrily. Rico laughed.
Kowalski buried his face into his flippers. “I hate love.”
55) The Root of the Matter
Skipper entered the HQ to see Kowalski’s lab door cracked open. He heard him mumbling irritably inside, but he couldn’t make out what he was saying. He peeked inside to see him pacing in front of a world map that had thumbtacks placed here and there in the Atlantic Ocean with yarn stretched across them.
“What’s going on, Kowalski?” Skipper asked entering his lab.
Kowalski sideways glanced at him, but then he shook his head with his eyes closed as if trying to concentrate. He continued to mumble to himself.
Skipper rolled his eyes and held up his test tube set. “Kowalski, start talking ou the nerd trinkets gets it,” he a dit flatly.
Kowalski turned to him in surprise. “No! Not those!” he a dit lunging vers l'avant, vers l’avant and snatching them from his leader. He cradled them in his flippers. “It’s okay, Daddy’s here,” he whispered as he assured himself they weren’t damaged.
Skipper rolled his eyes again. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked impatiently.
Kowalski looked at him irritably and placed his test tube set at the far end of the table, tableau away from Skipper. “Not really,” he answered finally.
Skipper folded his flippers. “Well, I’m your commanding officer, so I order toi to explain to me what you’re doing,” he commanded.
Kowalski sighed. “Um . . . well, I may have heard a rumor that, uh . . .” He finished his sentence inaudibly.
Skipper narrowed his eyes. “You’re making your ‘lovesick for Doris’ face,” he observed suspiciously.
Kowalski blinked and shook his head, his brow lowering in annoyance. “I do not have a lovesick for Doris face,” he objected.
Skipper arched an unconvinced eyebrow. Kowalski broke eye contact.
“What is it this time, Kowalski?” Skipper asked again. “Is she heading for waters off the coast of New York again?”
Kowalski stood his ground. “I a dit this isn’t about Doris,” he argued.
Skipper lifted his head and shifted his weight, giving him a hard stare. Kowalski pouted and folded his flippers. Then he cleared his throat. “I may have heard a rumor that she’s started seeing someone new,” he admitted finally.
Skipper nodded. “Okay, and what’s all this about?” he asked regarding his map.
Kowalski shifted again and studied the floor as if the meaning of life was etched into it. “I may ou may not be trying to find her so I can totally not break them up in a way that may ou may not be inhumane,” he a dit tracing his toe in an arc in front of him.
He looked back up with Skipper, who was staring at him with disapproval.
“What?” Kowalski cried defensively. “Don’t look at me like that!”
“Kowalski, toi know it’s Doris’ business who she wants to date,” Skipper said.
“But—!”
“No buts, Kowalski! We have plus important things to worry about,” Skipper insisted. Kowalski tried to protest, but Skipper kept cutting him off.
“I—!”
“Nope.”
“But Skip—!”
“Ah!”
“That’s not—!”
“No-ho!” Skipper a dit holding a flipper to Kowalski’s beak. “You need to stop worrying about this so much. toi know Doris’ relationships don’t last long.”
Kowalski folded his flippers. “That’s not the problem, Skipper. The problem is that they exist in the first place.”
56) Extinguishing the Fire [XXVI]
“I’ll—see toi later, then?” Kowalski asked with a nervous laugh.
Doris giggled. “Looking vers l'avant, vers l’avant to it, Kowalski,” she replied.
Kowalski started laughing nervously as the team started pulling him back. He stumbled over his own feet.
“Come on, Kowalski,” Skipper urged. “We need to go home.”
Kowalski looked at Skipper with a smile. “You’re a good leader, Skipper,” he a dit with slurred speech, as if he were drunk.
Skipper arched an eyebrow as the penguins helped him into the backseat of the car. He put his elbow on the door and propped his face up par his fist with an overly-calm look on his face.
“Skipper,” Private said, “I’ve never seen him like this.”
“He’s been pursuing Doris for a long time now, young Private. Now that she’s accepted a relationship with him, he’s gonna be like this for weeks,” Skipper a dit rolling his eyes.
“Hey. Private,” Kowalski a dit to the young cadet that was sitting suivant to him.
“Yes, Kowalski?” Private asked watching him carefully.
Kowalski hugged him. “You are the cutest manchot, pingouin ever. I l’amour you, toi little scamp,” he a dit ruffling the feathers on Private’s head.
“Skipper!” Private protested, like a child complaining about his older brother.
“Kowalski, release the Private,” Skipper a dit from the driver’s seat.
Private finally succeeded in shoving Kowalski back to his side of the seat. He leaned forward.
“Hey, Rico,” he called. Rico turned to look at him from the passenger seat. “I l’amour you, too, toi crazy nut,” he a dit reaching for his head to ruffle his feathers, too, but Rico batted his flipper away. Kowalski leaned over the siège trying to hug him. “Don’t fight it, Rico! Come here, toi beautiful person!”
Rico started to protest and fought to get the lovestruck Kowalski off him. Skipper started yelling at them to stop, but no one could hear him over Kowalski and Rico arguing.
“You two stop that this instant! I will turn this thing around!”
All of the sudden, a flipper came out of nowhere and came down on the back of Kowalski’s neck, sending him into a happy slumber. Private pulled Kowalski back into his siège and his head rolled to one side, a goofy smile plastered across his face.
Skipper sighed with relief. “Private, you’ve just been promoted.”
57) Security [XXVII]
The penguins sighed with exhaustion as they returned to the zoo. It’d been a long night.
“Well, that was a crazy night!” Julien a dit trotting beside them. “How could toi four be tired after all that excitement! I mean, I was so awesome. Admit it.”
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Look, Ringtail, I just got back my memory and fought a giant iPod controlled par an evil dauphin all in one night. I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re beat.”
Julien scoffed. “You guys have, like, zero stamina,” he a dit examining his paw.
“I’m surprised toi even know what stamina means,” Kowalski muttered. A thought occurred to him and he looked up at Julien. “How did toi get to my power cell, anyhow? I had it under tight security.”
Julien laughed. “Tight security?” he repeated. “Please, it was easy peasy to be hacking.”
Kowalski looked offended. “Easy?” he protested. “How could toi possibly have figured out my password?”
“Eh, technically, Mort figured it out,” Julien said. Mort jumped up with a happy cheer and Julien shoved him to the side.
“Mort?!” Kowalski repeated in horror.
“Well, I mean, toi can’t choose a mot de passe that obvious. Everyone knows about the dauphin lady that broke you. Mort could have figured that out in his sleep!” Julien taunted.
Kowalski started mumbling under his breath.
“You seriously made your mot de passe ‘Doris’?” Skipper asked. “I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Ringtail. That is so predictable.”
“Well, maybe I was thinking that since it was so predictable no one would try it because they wouldn’t think I’d be so obvious. Think about it that way? Hm?” Kowalski challenged.
Skipper rolled his eyes. “Kowalski, my spirit guide could have come up with a better mot de passe than that.”
58) Practice Makes Perfect . . . Most of the Time
Kowalski cleared his throat. “Um, Doris, uh . . .” His voice trailed and he tried to think of something to break the ice. “You look fabulous today,” he a dit finally. “Well, toi look fabulous every day, but uh . . .” He shook his head in frustration. Then he took a deep breath and smiled.
“Doris! Hey, I didn’t see toi there. How’s it going? . . . Good for me, too. I’m all right. So, um, I hear you’re available again and was wondering if—maybe—possibly—you wouldn’t mind—going out with me sometime? . . . Heh, that sounds great. Friday? Eight o’clock?”
He sighed and shook his head. “No, that’s no good.” He looked back into the mirror. He couldn’t help but grimace at the manchot, pingouin staring back at him. “Come on, toi nancy cat. toi can do this,” he said, trying to encourage himself. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. Then he smiled suavely.
“Hey. Baby. What’s shakin’?” He grunted in frustration and banged his head into the frame of the mirror in rhythm with his self-scolding. “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”
He sighed. When he looked back into the mirror, he nearly jumped out of his feathers and whipped around. “Skipper!” he shouted in surprise. “What are toi doing here?” he asked nervously looking around the room.
Skipper, who was leaning against the doorframe with his flippers folded over his chest, arched an eyebrow. “I live here,” he replied.
Kowalski coughed. “Right. . . . How long have toi been standing there?” he asked timidly.
Skipper shrugged. “Long enough,” he replied. “I take it Doris broke up with her latest fling?”
Kowalski shifted on his feet. “Maybe,” he answered softly.
“No offense, but I don’t get why you’re practicing what you’re going to say when toi know you’re just going to trip over all your words when toi see her, anyway,” Skipper a dit impassively.
Kowalski frowned irritably and folded his flippers. “I resent that.”
59) Desperation
“Kowalski, I will do anything to get toi to come out of your bunk,” Skipper pleaded with his lieutenant.
Kowalski didn’t déplacer a muscle. “There’s nothing toi can do, Skipper. Not even time can mend my broken heart,” he a dit to the mur with his back to him.
Skipper groaned and put his face in his flipper.
“What are we gonna do, Skipper?” Private asked with concern for his teammate.
“I don’t know, Private. He does this every time Doris rejects him and I can never figure out how to get him out of bed. Not even science is a motivation,” Skipper replied.
Kowalski choked. “That’s because in my heart, science comes in seconde place to—” He sniffed. “Doris!” he wailed into his pillow.
The others cringed and exchanged looks. They turned toward the hatch when Julien dropped in with Maurice and Mort.
“What is with all the crying and the wailing! It is interrupting my mani-pedi!” Julien asked angrily.
“What’s up with Kowalski?” Maurice asked regarding the manchot, pingouin weeping in the bottom bunk.
“Doris rejected him again,” Private answered.
“You mean the marsouin, marsouin commun lady?” Julien asked.
“She’s a dolphin!” Kowalski complained.
Julien rolled his eyes. “Buddy! You’ve got to pull yourself together!” he a dit crossing his arms.
“Let it go, Ringtail,” Skipper said. “We’ve all tried talking some sense into him, but none of us have been successful.”
“Well,” Julien started indignantly, “that is because he has not seen—” he leaned against the mur and shot a finger gun at the penguins— “the king of love.”
Skipper tried not to bust out laughing. “The king of love?” he repeated. He looked at Kowalski. “Well, it might be the desperation talking, but be my guest,” he a dit holding his flipper out to his lieutenant.
Julien adjusted his crown and cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, smelly penguin,” he a dit before turning to Kowalski. “All right, you! Class is in session!” he a dit grabbing his flipper and dragging him from the bed.
“No,” Kowalski complained. “Skipper, make him stop!” he a dit plopping on the floor par his bunk.
“Oh, no,” Julien replied before Skipper could answer. “We are going to get toi back in the game!”
“I’ve already lost,” Kowalski a dit curling in the fetal position and leaning against the wall.
Julien hoisted him up par his under-flippers. Then he slapped him. “You have got to get it together! toi think this will make the marsouin, marsouin commun lady l’amour you?”
“Dolphin!” Kowalski corrected again.
“Whatever!” Julien snapped. “You need to stop all this whining! I don’t have any ideas of what would make a manchot, pingouin attractive, but I know it is not this! Trust me, I know a thing ou two about being attractive!”
Maurice rolled his eyes. “Oh, brother.”
Kowalski tried to pull away. “Julien, I really don’t—”
“Nonsense!” Julien interrupted. “If toi want to win this lady’s heart, you’ve got to be smooth! You’ve got to be cool! You’ve got to be confident! toi got to go up to this lady and say, Baby, I l’amour you!”
“I have told her that!” Kowalski complained.
“It is all about delivery,” Julien a dit holding up his index finger. “Ladies don’t want some desperate sap that cries like a baleine every time he gets rejected!”
Kowalski pouted. “I don’t cry like a—”
“Now,” Julien interrupted, putting an arm around his shoulders, “you are going to go up to this marsouin, marsouin commun lady with your head held high and—you’re not going to ask her out, no!—you’re going to tell her when you’re picking her up! Do toi understand?” he asked pointing a finger at his face.
Kowalski stared at his finger as if he might bite it off.
“Good!” Julien a dit backing off. “Maurice! Fetch my beauty supplies! We are going to make this manchot, pingouin irresistible!” he ordered. “Eh, but get the cheaper ones,” he added.
Maurice sighed. “Yes, your highness,” he a dit heading for the hatch.
“Julien, I am not going to let toi give me a makeover!” Kowalski a dit angrily. “And I don’t need your relationship advice!”
“Well, obviously, toi do!” Julien argued. “On both accountings!”
“Skipper!” Kowalski complained again.
Skipper turned to Julien. “How ‘bout we just stick to the relationship advice?” he implied plus than suggested. He turned to Private. “Did I really just say that?”
“Pft!” Julien scoffed. “I know exactly what I’m doing. I am the King of Love! Come, penguin!” he a dit grabbing Kowalski’s flipper and dragging him to the hatch.
“Julien, I don’t want to—AH!” he cried as Julien tossed him up the hatch.
“Be seeing toi guys later!” Julien a dit before clambering out of the hatch after Kowalski.
“Wait for me, King Julien!” Mort called as he followed suit.
Skipper turned to Rico and Private. “Okay. Maybe I let this get a little too out of hand.”
60) Psychiatric Assessment
Skipper held up another ink blot.
“Hm,” Private a dit narrowing his eyes, “a Lunacorn,” he decided.
Skipper rolled his eyes and made a note. “Well, I should fail toi for that last choice, but I’ll let it slide since you’re expendable.”
Private blinked. “What?”
“What?” Skipper a dit innocently. Private frowned irritably and left the table. Kowalski sat down next.
“I still don’t get the point of assessing us psychiatrically. What are toi gonna do if Rico fails?” Kowalski asked.
“This isn’t about pass ou fail, Kowalski,” Skipper replied. “It’s about tapping into your minds! And knowing how toi think and perceive things!”
Kowalski sighed. “Fine. Let’s get this over with,” he a dit propping his head up par his fist.
Skipper held up an ink blot.
“Electron microscope,” Kowalski a dit after thinking for a moment.
Skipper looked at the blot, and then looked at Kowalski. “O—kay,” he a dit making a note. He held up the suivant blot.
“Centrifuge,” Kowalski said.
“What the halibut is a central-fuge?” Skipper asked in an annoyed confusion.
“An apparatus that rotates at a high speed and par centrifugal force, separates substances at different densities,” Kowalski explained.
Skipper sighed and made another note. “Can toi give me something non-nerd this time?” he asked holding the suivant blot up.
Kowalski rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He studied the blot. “Doris.”
“What?” Skipper protested looking at the blot. “This looks nothing like Doris!”
“It does if toi put her picture in a kaleidoscope,” Kowalski replied.
Skipper pressed his beak shut and looked from Kowalski to the blots. Then he stood and threw his pencil into the air. “You all pass. I’m done here.”
— § —
[XXIV] Inspiration for that came from an episode of iCarly, “iSpy A Mean Teacher” (Season 1, Episode 8). Freddie a dit something similar to Carly.
[XXV] In The manchot, pingouin Who Loved Me, Doris claims that she will never invite Blowhole over for Thanksgiving dîner again. I thought it might be interesting to look at one of the dinners they’d had together in the past. par the way, Francis is Dr. Blowhole’s first name, in case toi haven’t seen the episode.
[XXVI] This follows The manchot, pingouin Who Loved Me.
[XXVII] This follows The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole.
