How could I déplacer on from you? How could I ever forget what toi felt like and how toi tasted? How could I forget the touch that sent waves of passion through my being? All those nights that I sank so deep inside toi and felt the explosions from your body were etched inside my brain and my heart.
I tried to avoid these feelings, to numb them, to fill every moment with something, hoping and waiting for the jour that I would open my eyes from a night of self medicating, and the pain would be gone. That morning had not come. I had tried to resolve things with “you” to go back to the start. I wanted desperately to let toi go and to déplacer vers l'avant, vers l’avant but when that moment came and I felt toi slipping away it overwhelmed me and the desperation overtook me. If I let go I will never feel this again. toi make me alive.
For years I had wanted you. I had waited because I didn’t think it would work. What did I do that had been so bad that toi were leaving me? Wilson, years prior, had told me I was afraid to change. “I didn’t like myself but I did admire myself.” I had taken the words to heart. I had a gift but if it meant choosing between that gift and Cuddy my choice was Cuddy.
I still remember toi kneeling at my side and coming to my rescue. I remember how your lips tasted and your body felt. I remember with each vêtement I removed how it revealed just one plus part of toi that I wanted to claim as my own. I remember every night that I held you. Every night I made l’amour to you. How toi felt and how I felt inside you. toi belong to me. toi were made for me.
toi wanted me to talk but it was so we could déplacer on. I avoided toi for that very reason. toi a dit toi wanted to know how I felt. Everyone had a dit that but they never meant it. They really just wanted me to accept the truth, come to terms with reality and deal with it. They wanted to silence me but never really deal with my feelings. What toi wanted was to leave me behind.
When I told toi I felt hurt I was so close to telling toi that I didn’t know how to déplacer on. I don’t know how to let toi go. Please tell me what I did. But I told toi that it wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t stop the pain.
I saw toi through the window with your hand on his arm and smiling. That was supposed to be us and it was supposed to be me that toi were smiling at and that your hand was resting on. Why couldn’t toi l’amour me? Those words coursed through my mind replaying itself like a bad record.
I stood there with the brush in my hand and the cœur, coeur that had been breaking inside me was finally crushed into a million pieces. As I walked back I realized I had held toi for the last time. Everyone that I had ever loved had left. But I was able to déplacer on. It was true I needed toi but I was really learning how to love. I had fallen in l’amour with you. I tried to tell Wilson and toi but toi both wanted me to pick up the pieces and go on. I didn’t know how.
I came to your house to make peace and to see if we could leave the door open and try to work things out. I wanted to listen to toi and see what toi needed and what toi wanted from a man. I wanted to be that man for you. When I saw toi had moved on I couldn’t imagine him touching toi and holding you. I ……………………
As I returned to the car I saw Wilson. He had tried to help me work out my problems and to deal with my anger. I was about to do that. I was about to solve all my problems and put an end to all questions. If I couldn’t get réponses I would make up my own. I bowed my head just a bit and urged Wilson to get out of the car. Even to the last moment he was trying to get me to talk. I pulled the door shut and pushed the pedal to the floor. I don’t know why I couldn’t just drive away and give it time.
I miss toi Cuddy and I l’amour you. I can’t walk away so I will do something that is so totally unforgivable that going back will never be an option. If toi hate me then maybe I can learn to hate you. I rather toi hate me than pity me. I do not want your pity. I sit there staring at your house for a moment and then when I knew toi had enough time to be in the other room I crushed the gas pedal and I saw Wilson fall, “I hope he got out of the way” and I smashed through your dining room.
I looked into your eyes and all I saw was fear. I would never hurt toi ou maybe that is all I ever knew how to do. toi were shaking and I still wanted to hold toi but I knew toi would never let me near toi again.
