0 = Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as any bayonet.

1 = Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 = Lager warming up head. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 = Crossword in newspaper filled in. After a while blanks are filled in with aléatoire letters and numbers.

4 = Barmaid complimented on choice of bra, partially visible when bending to get packet of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one par one.

5 = Have brilliant discussion with guy on the suivant bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out Manchester United's problems.

6 = Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cigarette packet. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them toi l’amour them. Call girlfriend to tell her toi l’amour her and she still has an amazing figure.

7 = Send drinks over to woman sitting at table, tableau with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of l’amour on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks toi outside. toi buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 = Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one par one. Fall over. Get up.

9 = Head-ache kicks in. bière tastes off. Send it back. suivant bottle comes back tasting the same. Say, "That's much better." Fight nausea par trying to play old l’espace Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 = Some doubling of vision. Stand on table, tableau shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down par barmaid, who toi offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 = Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize toi are sitting in pub cellar, having taken wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 = Put in cab par somebody. Give accueil address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've donné address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.