The Strain recap: 'Tainted Love' 

History has proven that it’s hard to write interesting and compelling teenage characters on an adult-centered show. Just ask

, the series had some early success with Dana Brody (Morgan Saylor) and her relationship with her father, but once they tried to give the character her own standalone stories, it all crumbled. The series soon left the entire Brody family behind.

has never had any success when it comes to Zach. Not only did they feel the need to recast the role after season 1, but the show has continued to build up the character’s significance despite the fact that he’s become one of the worst characters on television. I dare you to find a fan that doesn’t audibly groan every time Zach appears on screen, and the final season prominence of this poorly written teenager isn’t satisfying any

The Zach-heavy episode “Tainted Love” begins with the group of no-name characters who were previously screwed over by Fet and Charlotte. Sitting by a fire in the South Dakota woods, they’re approached by “Brooks Brothers,” a.k.a Eichhorst, who’s looking for Fet and Quinlan. He has good and bad news. Weirdly, the good news is that Eichhorst is taking their truck, while the bad news is that he only needs one of them to drive it. (I’d argue that might be the good news since he could technically drive it himself and need no one.) The Master’s right-hand man easily takes out two of the three men, making his choice of driver pretty simple.

Meanwhile, up in the other Dakota, Fet and Quinlan’s crew are packing up to leave for the airfield, where the plan is to trade their supplies for a plane. Roman is coming along, but Quinlan doesn’t think Charlotte should, claiming, “Her usefulness has passed.” He’s cold blooded in many ways. “Don’t you dare question her commitment,” argues Fet, to which Quinlan responds, “I’m not…I’m questioning yours.” Fet clearly wants her to come, but he realizes that Charlotte should have some say in the matter (someone took a feminist course at exterminator school). “Hell no,” she laughs when he asks her to come. “You said it was a suicide mission.” Maybe he should have also taken an advertising class. She’d rather head to her dad’s cabin in Montana. “Wait, did you just break up with me?” he asks as she walks away. Long-distance relationships never work in the zombie apocalypse.

For some reason, Quinlan’s 1888 flashback has been deemed important enough that it’s continuing for the second straight week. He’s enjoying his new life, whether it’s playing hide-and-seek with Lydia or going to the theater for date night with Louisa. Well, date night doesn’t go exactly as planned when they come across a few strigoi (I hate when that happens). Upon hearing his son’s name, The Master speaks through one of them, leading Quinlan to quickly snap its neck. The run-in causes Quinlan to leave his new family behind in order to fulfill his “purpose” and defeat The Master. “Do I mean nothing to you?” cries Louisa. He responds, “Quite the opposite. I hope tonight I can repay you in kind.” I don’t know — that makeup looks pretty expensive. Despite Louisa and Lydia’s protests, he heads out.

Now to the moment no one was waiting for: the return of Zach. He’s doing what most teenagers do on first dates: seeing the house where his prospective love interest lived when her parents were killed by the nuclear bomb he set off. You know, the usual. People also really like telling Eph and Zach that the attack on New York wasn’t their fault, even though it’s absolutely their fault. Zach and Abby end up bonding over the fact that they both talk to their dead parents. Yeah, but I’d bet the world’s most powerful vampire isn’t pretending to be her dead mom. Just a hunch.

After a little goodbye kiss on the cheek, Zach gets some love advice from his new father figure. “There’s nothing I haven’t seen when it comes to life…or love,” shares The Master. Eph has had four times more love interests during this series than The Master has, so it might be worth giving your real pops a call on this one, Zach. Eager to see his girl, Zach makes an unannounced stop at Abby’s group home, where he finds her making out with some dude, who happens to also be eating his plums. Oh snap, someone hide the nukes! 

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