I'm in an article mood now.
I've been a girl of the villain since I was little. No matter how much I loved Batman, I always loved the guy he'd just roundhouse kicked through a building too. Equally so, I l’amour Disney villains. The ones matched with the princesses aren't generally my favourites, but at least they're easy to order and rant about.
Yes, I swear a lot. But this is about villains, so it's going to be some badass shit anyway so it doesn't matter half as much.
A lot of people had a go at me for commenting in my last article that I'm not a very funny person. Rather than let that deter me, it has merely made me repeat it in the hope that toi will listen. I'm not funny, I just tell it how it is because I'm a chienne that doesn't hold back. See, that was telling it how it is. I do not understand this concept toi call "feelings".
Anyway, let's get on with before I get distracted ou lose my video-maker's block.










9) Queen Grimhilde

What a surprise, Snow White's villain came last. And she's always so populaire in these lineups!
Meh, I never liked her much. First off, wtf is that thing she's wearing on her head? When her hair comes flying out in mania, IT'S FUCKING AMAZING. She wipes the floor with Snow White's boobless undeveloped body. That mirror has it all wrong. Does it have a sense of humour hidden in there ou what?
Mainly, I wish this woman had both a villain song and plus screentime being beautiful. I haaaaate her as a hag. Her villain song would have been amazing. Every time I see that bit where she's making her witchy spells I think "YOU COULD FUCKING SING ABOUT THIS WOMAN. PLEASE, JUST DO IT!" but she never does. D:
Also, she could have had plus scenes with Snow White. Like, when she's a servant. Ordering her around and being bitchy. I don't feel like the audience is influenced to hate her enough at the beginning.






8) Lady Tremaine

This woman is an A-class chienne and for all the right reasons but I never really liked her much. She irritated me because she didn't really have a goal as such. I was like "WTF DO toi WANT?" at her all the time. Even if she just had a little "I want to be rich!" moment that would have been enough for me. Everyone needs a motive, unless they're being 90s. And seeing as Cendrillon is a 50s film, I very much doubt that they were going for Millenium-Mania.
Apart from that, I quite like this woman's other traits. That aspect really dragged her down for me. First off, there's her voice. The same voice actor as a certain dark fairy still to come, and it's a voice that really works well for a villain. It isn't an ugly voice and is a very feminine and sultry one but still has that bitchy edge to it. I like. Also, she has great taste in everyday wear. I don't know what that thing she wore on her head to the ball was supposed to be, ou indeed why she attended seeing as she isn't the sort of elligible bachelorette that the prince was after, but her outfits themselves are quite nice. They suit her and have that nice Victorian sophistication to it. That "Bitch, please, I'm a fucking aristocrat" level of sophistication. Her whole image just oozed that. Plus, she has the cat that ultimately proves they are evil unloving fuckers and that chiens are the way forward. They are man's best friend after all.






7) Governor Ratcliffe

Seriously, what sort of villain ties his hair in rose bows? This guy could probably have been like third if it wasn't for his awful image. He's such a sleazebag that toi can't help but l’amour him. BUT SERIOUSLY. IT MAKES toi LOOK LIKE ALICE IN WONDERLAND GREW A FUCKING BEARD, GOT FAT AND DYED HER HAIR.
Let's take a look at exactly what this first-class douche does throughout a film and a shitty sequel. Well, he goes to the New World in chercher of or and is prepared to kill any "savage" in his way to get it. Yawn, so did every other white guy that went to America. He basically acts like a typical greedy fat white guy until the end where he almost kills John Smith, albeit par accident. No, wait, still typical greedy white guy. Cue the sequel. It appears that shooting a guy in the stomach isn't enough and a large number of guards need to be sent to his house to arrest him for treason. Now this is plus like it. He's evaded the soldiers and is holding onto a roof for dear life? Here comes the evil fat guy, tells him that he wished he seen him hanged and stamps on him until he falls into the totally disgusting and cold waters of the Thames. Seriously, that river is rank. toi do not want to swim in it, particularly in the Stuart era when it was noted for being so badly smelling that Parliament made it a matter of great importance just because it was reeking out their building. Yes, moving on. He generally sneaks and plans his way around like another typical white guy, has some ours baiting. But then he gets interesting again and starts running around on ships and other stuff. He gets beaten up and ridiculed and thrown off a ship. Ah, justice is served as King James I strolls up and claps him in irons for high treason. High treasons to fashion indeed. I hope he gets a stingy prison diet because he needs it.






6) Shan-Yu

No, could it be? This badass guy has sunk all the way to SIXTH? Not only is he at a sexily scary level of badassery, he has a voice to end all villain voices. HAVE toi LISTENED TO HIM? OMG, IT'S LIKE MAGICAL BUTTERCUPS HAVING A PARTY THAT ENDS IN A LARGE MASSACRE OF SHOTGUNS, TANKS AND CHAINSAWS BEING ACCOMPANIED par AURORA'S 50S OPERATIC AWESOMENESS.
Anyway, yes. This guy is the leader of the fucking HUNS. He has an army that is still respected as one of the most kickass unbeatable groups of motherfuckers ever to have lived. He has a fourrure manteau that puts the princesses to shame. HE IS SO FUCKING FEARLESS that he wants to play soldiers with China. CHINA. THAT'S LIKE A VELOCIRAPTOR TAKING ON A FUCKING T-REX. Wait, wasn't that the end of Jurassic Park? Didn't the T-Rex win against TWO velociraptors? Well, this film ended the same way too with a little help from the cute blonde girl that was hiding in the kitchen. And some fireworks. And a nice fan. Anyway, Shan-Yu. He epic-failed so badly at the end that he had to fall down. Beaten up par a firework display and a fan? Srsly? Your badass corbeau, corneille was turned into roast chicken? toi HAVE AN AMAZING ZIGZAG SWORD AND toi CAN'T EVEN STAB SOMEONE RIGHT? toi suckkkkk. But you're still badass.






5) Jafar

A guy so badass that he has a magical snake sceptre that shoots magical red lightning.
Unfortunately, his outfit isn't amazing, he's bald, and he's stupid. What sort of fucktard wishes to be a genie because a streetrat told them to? If he told toi to jump off a cliff, would you? Why didn't toi wish for hair ou a glacière outfit? >:I
Anyway, leaving that point behind, he's pretty epic. He hypnotises the sultan so well that his own daughter can't tell. ou maybe she's just stupid. Y'know, she probably is. Aladin could tell in like a seconde and he doesn't even know the fucking guy. Maybe Jafar isn't that great a hypnotist after all. Though toi have to admit, for an old guy he has great eyesight. He could see Aladin crawling along a walkway that was quite far away in the reflection of a crown that had fallen on the dusty floor and not been wiped. Plus, he turns into a snake. A FUCKING SNAKE. HOW BADASS IS THAT? VERY. Not only that, but a snake in a ring of fire. A RING OF FUCKING FIRE. Epicness, it just went through the roof.






4) Maleficent

SHE'S NOT FIRST? Ok, so three villains are better than her, sue me. I already have about 3 other claims going on regarding my outlandish opinion.
Personally, I fucking l’amour this evil fairy. Without her, the film would have SUCKED. She's sexy, bitchy, almost funny, has a cool crow. A lot of things going for her...
But her motive? Funny it should come to this again. She isn't invited to a party so she goes batshit and tries to kill the princess. Y'know, as toi do. Maybe that makes her plus badass, but whatever. She didn't have a cool villain song. If she had had a villain song... she may even have been top. DO toi HEAR THAT DISNEY? THAT FILM WAS A FAIL BECAUSE MALEFICENT DIDN'T SING. SO THERE. Maleficent singing... The mere thought produces a douse of epicness that would have made the roof nonexistent.






3) Ursula

I just rewatched The Little Mermaid today and I was pretty much in a level of squee at how much I l’amour Ursula. She has that little sexy attitude even though she looks like a horse's arse and she's so bitchy and snide. I just l’amour her. AND HER VOICE, OMG. Pat Carroll = love. Big bouncy villain love. HER LAUGH. THE LAUGH TO STRIKE FEAR IN A MILLION MERMAIDS. Her laugh is epic. This really started to piss my Grandma off par the end of the film and she was like "CAN WE JUST WATCH FUCKING CASPER ALREADY?!"
I can't think of anything else to say because this octopus creature thing leaves me speechless with her epicness. But srsly, she is stabbed par a ship when she dies? That's just pathetic. toi get third place.






2) Gaston

NO-ONE SINGS LIKE GASTON, NO-ONE'S FUNNY LIKE GASTON, NO-ONE REACHES THE NUMBER TWO SPOT IN A Disney VILLAIN COUNTDOWN QUITE LIKE GASTON.
One of the best Disney villain songs ever. Ever. Everrrrrr. He's probably the best character in BatB, though Lumiere does come awfully close at times. He runs around looking in pots and pans like narcisse in a room full of mirrors. He isn't even that good looking and he's all gross and hairy and he's pretty stupid...
But toi have to l’amour a character that starts out as creepy and is fuelled par passion to become the evillest motherfucker toi ever did see. Plus, his death is one of the funniest epic fails ever. It makes me MDR every time. See, if he'd had a braincell and just had some threesome with the bimbettes like he was destined to (I mean, they're perfect for each other. He loves himself and they l’amour him) then none of this shit would ever have happened. Stupid man.






1) Doctor Facilier

Oh, wasn't it just INEVITABLE? :'D
The most Clopintastic villain since ever in just about one of the best Disney films in forever. The best Disney Princess film for certain. Where to begin? This may take some time to get through. Depends on how speechless I get.
HIS HAIR. IT IS MADE OF FUCKING EPIC WIN. HAVE toi SEEN IT? It's like this cute curly sticky-uppy thing. He keeps it under a hat made of awesome that has a skull and crossbones on it. AND IT HAS A FEATHER. Remind toi of anyone? ;)
HIS BODY. He's a stick with a staff. He has tails on his veste that make lions look silly. HIS collier IS MADE OF EPIC WIN.
HIS GODDAMN OBJECTS. He has a magical staff, some tarot cards, some magical powder, a sacred amulet, a bunch of other stuff such as "voodoo" and "stuff he ain't even tried" AND HE'S GOT Friends ON THE OTHER SIDE. Shadow Facilier is made of epic win.
AND OMG, HIS DANCING. AND HIS VOICE. AND HIS ATTITUDE. AND HIS SNIDE REMARKS. AND HIS SNAPPY "Don't toi disrespect me little man!" COMEBACKS. OMG, EPIC WIN EPIC WIN EPIC WIN.
Did I mention that he's so similar to Clopin? That makes him amazing. It's like, if he and Naveen sort of morphed together, YOU'D HAVE CLOPIN. How much plus epic win and awesomesauce could he be?
Ok, so he's defeated. BUT EVEN HIS DEFEAT IS AN EPIC WIN MOMENT. Drums and masks and lights and portals. Oooooh, it's amazing.
This is why he draws with Frollo to be my favourite animated villain OF ALL FUCKING TIME. TIMEEEEEE. THAT'S A LONG FUCKING PERIOD TO SELECT FROM. AND FACILIER TOPS IT. Ok, so Frollo's there too, but the podium's big enough.








That's your lot. Be happy with it.

I was thinking, something to post... Let's just be unrelated and give toi a nice little picture of the original version of The Little Mermaid.