1. If they want to loan toi money, tell them toi just filed for bankruptcy and toi could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are toi today?" say, "Why do toi want to know?" Alternately, toi can tell them, "I'm so glad toi asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is jouer la comédie up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Ask them how to spell "Milpitas." Continue asking them personal questions ou questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you're male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter & Siegel services... You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] What are toi wearing? Telemarketer: [Click.]

5. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have toi BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know toi from.

6. Say "no", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if toi can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get toi to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as toi can muster, "I don't have any friends...would toi be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can toi get out blood? Can toi get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate: "Sorry, my floor is made of stone."

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "uh-huh", "rilly" ou "how fascinating". Finally, when they ask toi to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them toi couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell them toi work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics." You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are toi calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh...Milpitas, California." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business? The weather?!?" Telemarketer: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"

11. Answer the phone. As soon as toi realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout ou scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give toi their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". toi say, "I guess toi don't want anyone bothering toi at work, right?" Telemarketer will agree. toi say "Now toi know how I feel!" Hang-up.

13. Breath heavily and tell them toi were in the middle of having sex with your wife/husband. Tell them that the deal sounds good, but toi are not waiting for another mois to finish the sex.

14. Sound happy to see hear from them, and ask them if they have (a) insurance (b) a burial plot, ou (c) a stock broker and that toi are one.

15. Say "speak up" and continue to do so.

16. Keep one of those personal siren alarms near the phone.

17. Ask them if they are aware that toi are with the District Attorney's Office, Division of Consumer Fraud, and that the conversation is being taped.