#1:
Critic: So our story begins when they spot two children who, toi guessed it, stopped caring.
Friend Bear: Hi. I'm Friend Bear, and this is Secret Bear. We're Care Bears. (both stand up and pose)
Jason: (in disgusted tone) What do toi want?
Friend Bear: Only to be your friends.
NC (vo): Actually, I always wondered what counted as quote/unquote "Caring." I mean, if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend, is it like...
[Cuts to skit with two NCs talking to each other]
NC 1: Hey, what kind of toppings toi want?
NC 2: Eh, I don't care. (In panicked tone) No, no, wait! I didn't mea- (sparkling effects sound and NC moans lightly).
Care ours (off-screen): Hi. We're the Care Bears, and everybody has to care about something--
(NC brings out his gun and starts shooting at the Care Bears as they are heard screaming.

#2:
NC: toi know...dick. Cause that's what toi are, a fucking dick. When toi montrer this image of the American flag destroyed...
(Such an image is shown)
NC (vo): ...you're not just montrer your dollar store symbolism that says "ooh, America's hurt."
NC: But, it's very clear that what is important to toi is not how toi view America. What is important to toi is how others see toi viewing America. So, toi can make up whatever toi want. toi can fabricate things, toi can lie about history.
(The hospital attack is shown)
NC (vo): toi can exaggerate, toi can glorify, toi can demonize, toi can distort the facts.
NC: toi can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who Lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that toi (thumping his chest) fuck l’amour America. (now in full-on serious mode) I'm sorry! I-I-I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who have Lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their cul, ass on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to montrer that! And, I-I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people, because they weren't really there, so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, toi don't deserve the responsibility to montrer real events. toi don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when toi take it and base it on a real event, toi have to montrer these real people. toi have to get it right, Michael Bay! toi have to get it right! Because this, this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, toi can do whatever toi want. It's not The Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, it's fuck Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well, it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When toi take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful and hurts a lot of people, that means toi have to do two things. One, toi have to grow up and be an adult! Two, toi have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, toi SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!

#3:
Maxie: (narrates) Hortense and Bernice married Kirk and Dirk, who are gloatingly thinking they've got it made. And here we have the ecstatic newlyweds Angelica and William, together with Mother Nanny, Granny, Victoria and the grandchildren, and the dalmatians and their children. Well, here's hoping they all live happily ever after. See toi soon.
NC: HAPPILY EVER AFTER?! What the hell is wrong with you?! This isn't a postcard! This is the sinking of the fucking Titanic! If toi wanted to be really faithful, toi would've said…
NC (voiceover): (as Maxie) Kirk and poignard, dirk got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica married, as well as adopted the two Dalmatians, (An old black-and-white illustration of the real-life Titanic sinking is shown) and over 1,500 died in one of the world's largest and most tragic disasters. See toi soon!

#4:
Nostalgia Critic: So the old wins in this situation. Does that mean I don't like "The Dark Knight"? Not at all. I just like "Batman" a little more. And, uh, my only hope is that Christian Bale doesn't take what I a dit about him too seriously— [The Critic's cell phone rings] 'Scuse me. [Opens and réponses it] Hello?
Christian Bale: [Utilizing audio from his infamous rant] What the fuck are toi DOING?!
Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, man, I just thought—
Christian Bale: No, don't just be sorry. THINK for one fuckin' second!
Nostalgia Critic: Well that's not very nice.
Christian Bale: What the fuck is it with you? Are toi professional ou not?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I don't like to brag, but—
Christian Bale: Fuck's sake, man, you're amateur!
Nostalgia Critic: Look, I don't know why you're getting so angry—
Christian Bale: No, shut the fuck up!
Nostalgia Critic: Maybe I could, uh—
Christian Bale: No! NO!! I wanna fuckin' kick your fuckin' ass!
Nostalgia Critic: Why are toi so angry? I just don't get it.
Christian Bale: What don't toi get about it?
Nostalgia Critic: Hold on, hold on. [Addresses the viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so toi don't have to. [Resumes the call]
Christian Bale: Gimme a fuckin' answer!
Nostalgia Critic: I just don't get why toi made Batman sound like he had lung cancer.
Christian Bale: Ohhh, good for you! You're a nice guy.
Nostalgia Critic: Why thank you!
Christian Bale: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Nostalgia Critic: toi shut up! Go make "Reign of feu 2"!
Christian Bale: No!
Nostalgia Critic: YES!
Christian Bale: NO!!
Nostalgia Critic: YES!!
Christian Bale: Fuck's sake.

#5:
Nostalgia: Hello, I’m the…Nostalgia Critic. (pauses) I remember it so toi don’t have to. And… (He looks up to scan the entire group before lowering his head again in a bit of shame and speak quickly) I kinda like “Spider-Man 3.”
(All the people in the group shout in outrage, and one male gets on a table, tableau to pound on it in rage),
Nostalgia: I do!

#6:
Pistachio: toi know, I could tell just par looking at you. (holds up a mini-corn dog and a small handful of nuts) toi have a little wiener...and some tiny nuts. Oh, yeah.
NC: (bursts into loud, over the top, sarcastic laughter, that gets plus and plus hysterical, he then gets out of his chair and leaves the room. Cut to outside where Jim Jarosz is on his cell phone when NC comes out with a baseball bat, continuing to laugh hysterically while beating him down. He then sees Prof. Birmingham Dickens.)
Dickens: Oh, hello.
(A crazy-laughing NC runs up to him and beats the professor down as well. NC then looks at the camera like a wild man and starts running towards him as the cameramen tries backing away but is too slow and Critic beats down the cameraman).
NC: (continues to laugh like a maniac as he throws the bat away and walks off screen left. The camera then pans down to the carnage NC has left as we see Prof. Birmingham Dickens put his pipe into his mouth. Cut back to NC's room as he calms down and sits back down in his chair.)
NC: (suddenly conscious) Where was I the last two minutes?

#7:
Nostalgia Critic: Fucking-A, this is My Little poney fanfiction! Can't toi just see an episode ending like that?!
[cuts to a clip of My Little Pony]
Fluttershy: Anyone who would give their soul for love, has the power to change the world! Isn't that right, Ghost poney Rider?
Ghost poney Rider: (demonic roar)
Fluttershy: Right!

#8:
Critic: FUCJKING BUBBLES!!

#9:
Mark: I used to know this girl who had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she wound up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
[Johnny laughs]
Nostalgia Critic: That's not funny, toi sick fuck.

#10:
Denny: I just like to watch toi guys.
NC: (stunned again) Uhhhhhh...

#11:
Blade: Some motherfuckers are always tryin' to ice-skate uphill...
Nostalgia Critic: That is a really weird note to go out on.

#12:
Pennywise: I’ll montrer toi how to FLOOOAAAT down here.
Critic: Why doesn’t he just EAT these fucking kids? He’s eaten like half of the other kids in the neighborhood! Why doesn’t he just finish them off? I mean, what the hell is plus important in his time?
Critic: (imitates Pennywise) RARRR, I've got toi now, little boy! (beeping sound, and he looks at his watch) Oh, my God, it’s almost 3:00! (The Critic leaves the screen camera from the left and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song plays.)

#13:
(The cuisine phone rings, and Tory réponses it)
Tory: Hello? Hello? Help us, please! Come help us! We’re trapped inside of here!
Pennywise: Do toi have Prince Albert in a can? toi do? Well, ya better let the poor guy out! Wha-haw! Wha-Haw! Wha-Haw!
(Tory hangs up and tears the phone off the wall)

#14:
Malus: HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!
Critic: Somebody lit it! Somebody lit it!

#15:
Tender Heart: Magic isn't the answer, Nicholas. Your feelings can help toi find the true answer.
NC: Yes. Just listen to the magic, talking bear.

#16:
Rebelle Heart: Everyone in the Forest of Feelings knows of Playful cœur, coeur Monkey and Rebelle Heart. [Cuts to scene from Mel Gibson's Braveheart]
NC: I know, I know. But how can I not put that in?