Bluecherry6765 Eris is cute

RissyRoWho Great job! Keep it up!

NocturnalMirage Okay, I see you got a talent for writing, the text is edited nicely and radiates with devotion to your work. However I do have a few observations and/or suggestions. 1. the chapters are too short. Before the reader could actually get into the atmosphere of the story and start forming impressions of the characters, the chapter ends abruptly, which nullifies the emotional content for the reader, and this emotional link between the writer and the reader is vital to any good story. Easy mistake to fix. I'd suggest you triple the length of each chapter and give more time for the story to unfold. Which brings us to my second observation. 2: The lack of "foreplay". Before jumping into "action" right away, take some time to build up the primary characters from the ground. The first chapter indeed gave us a taste of Eris, showing who is she and how did she come to be. However, the depiction of her seemed a little vague and all too general for me at the beginning. Don't get me wrong; I like the somewhat contemplative atmosphere of the prologue, but because of its shortness, I was unable to connect with the character. You're on the right track, since Eris is technically an outcast and such characters often contemplate about their own self and their place in the world, seeking answer to the eternal question: "Why?" So, in light of the circumstances, I'd recommend you to explore more on this thread. It'll make your primary character much more relatable if the reader gets a little "sneak-peek" on her emotional world. 3: Rushed character dynamics. Although Moon Dust's gesture of standing up to protect Eris was indeed a very nice and commendable act; I still could not define her place in the story. Did she know Eris from before, or is she a stranger taking matters into her own hooves? What's the setting? A street in Canterlot? A school? A public place? As the reader, I have no picture of the environment whatsoever. It's like the characters are speaking in front of a white screen. This mistake is very common among new writers, but it's not difficult to correct at all. My suggestion is this: before you guide the characters to interact with one another, take some time to add small, subtle details. Specify the location, the weather, their surroundings, what they hear, see, smell or touch. For instance: "It was a warm, sunny day. The scent of blossoming flowers filled the air and traveled far with the soft breeze; so typical of Canterlot in the early spring. I was walking down the busy main street, minding my own business, sunk deeply in thought; enjoying the sunlight and the fresh air, like everypony else. Although my contemplation came to an unexpected halt, when a sudden commotion grabbed my attention. As I took a few steps ahead, I heard a high voice calling out loudly. >>Look everypony! It's Eris Luna!<< Shouted a pink filly." As I said: it's all about subtle details. This method not only allows you to define the setting precisely, thus encouraging the reader to create an image of the time and place in their heads, but it also prepares them for the important act which is about to come. So I truly hope you do not find my comment offensive, I wasn't trying to be hurtful or tear your work apart, to hold it in front of your face, I was just trying to give a constructive criticism, to improve your writing skill. I see the spark of talent in you and I believe if you fix these minor problems, you could become a great writer. I can only encourage you to continue your work; I'd love to see what you'll come up with. Nevertheless, I hope I was able to help. So keep up the good work, for writing is magic! :)