conseil Article: My Joe

17

My Joe

posted by ztara

He had just snorted a line of Horlicks, (he was an idiot)

On the 21st of June 2007, my best friend killed himself. He shot himself in the head after suffering from depression for what he a dit was 'as long as i can remember'. I'd known the guy from when i was three and i miss him like the devil. He was called Joe Spencer Garrard. But for the last few years he dropped the spencer bit, (his bastard dads name). I grew up with the guy and was with him on the last day. Hence i feel almightly responcible, and i know people have told me there is nothing i could have done but i do. As we grew up together we used to play out in the woods alot, Joe was an out door person, he liked to mess around, we both did. But since he died i feel like my childhood is over and i must grow up. =[ So faithful fanpop friends, my guts are on display to toi lovely lot.

i am Lost and every jour a part of me wants to not be alive anymore, I have tryed talking to people on Suicide fourums, people who have all expirienced things like this but it just feels like they are regurgitating the same stuff from person to person, im seeing a shrink (docter) about my depression but i wont go on Meds.

I don't know what conseil im looking for i suppose what can i do? i just need to vent and if anyone has anything to say, ou advise feel welcome don't feel sheepish, ask about Joe if toi want to i want to talk about him =]

added on Jan11: just found the ulagy that i a dit at Joes cremation. Joes mum came and hugged me on the podium after i had finished. I was choked with tears but its just something i thought i'd put up

" Joe was my best friend.I've known him for 13 years and he meant the world to me. When anyone talks about him I think of stupid ideas, stupid risks and the inevitable consequences. He was a person who didn't have to try and impress others, he could naturally do it.

I feel Joe made his peace with the world and that makes me happy, to know he wasn't angry at the end. I find it impossible to say how i feel about Joe. The words soulmate ou kindred spirits don't seem to describe what we had. We grew up together; we shared plans for the future and memories from the past. Anyone that has that with another should cherish it because it can be taken from toi so suddenly like it was for me and Joe.

I l’amour Joe, so much and I hope he is in a better place now."

jessandeben, I-Luv-L and 15 others like this

germany123 Wow...june is not that long ago. that is still pretty fresh. i like the fact that you honour your friend like this...and i can just imagine the bond you guys must have had :) of course i would now also love to tell you something you havent heard..something to lift your spirits or inspire you, but of course i cant...if i can think of something remotely helpful i will instantly message you. i went through depression for 2 years and all the talking to my shrink was comforting and helpful.but when you wake up and the clouds are inside your head..well talking never got rid of that. What "cured" me was that i stopped taking the pill (hormones grrrrr) and was treated with homeopathic medicine. but that wont help you because im guessing ( and hoping for that matter) youre not on the pill!? and please: even if it only helps to get something out of your system: WRITE! message me anytime, post a soapbox, message someone, do a forum post...that to me was always helpful.more the writing actually than the talking...wow this is long.oops, sorry

ztara no, long is good, thankyou its good that people have things to say, and your completly right about the 'clouds'. I drive myself mad trying to find a way throught them. I did realise though that drugs were making things worse so i quit everything illegal bout 3 months ago, which is no mean feet i tell you, i don't feel better for it, i just don't feel as bad=] which is good p.s- nah i'm not on the pill =P

germany123 yeah..i even stopped drinking. because you feel hungover all the time anyway and then actually being hungover on top of it all? bad idea... you must have a lot of willpower! i dont know what drugs you were doing but you just quit like that!?

ztara well i smoked allot of pot, shrooms, acid now and then, and just loads of uppers and downers, but suprisingly it wasn't hard atall. I still drink, allot, but not spirits so i can judge whe niv had enough, you know?

germany123 well you certainly like to experiment with lifes given boundaries, dont you!? well you should be proud of yourself for making the descision to stay away from the hard stuff. i am kind of expecting no as an answer..but do you have any religious or spiritual beliefs!?

ztara i was raised catholic, but am an agnostic thiest, i want to belive but find morganised religion, morally corrupt (that sounds ver agresive but it isn't ment to be). Im very open to listen though why?

germany123 well we all kind of find our own theories when we deal with life especially and mostly when times are tough. i found mine being this kind of new-age/spiritual/esoterical mixture. and by those theories i now filter everything i experience( and in this case: hear/read/see)- but i hate to preach or offend people by telling them my views if they are totally opposed to these ideas..but i cant help thinking that what happened to you and is still happening is such a powerful chance for you to transform your life. and that there is such a great deal of positive things that can come of this...please dont misunderstand. in no way am i suggesting that this is generally a positive thing and that it should be seen lightheartedly. i know too little about you or your circumstances to ever be a judge of anything. if you want i can tell you more about it..and if you dont want to hear it or think im crazy ( which i am but thaaats a really long boring story ;)) thats totally fine by me. its just that i remember that i felt so lonely when i was " having grey clouds"...and i felt that if it wasnt going to stop i wouldnt live my life like that! so..i feel that i KIND of know what you might be going through- sorry its hard to explain stuff in a different language

ThinkPink20 Please, take my comment with a grain of salt, because I haven't personally experience a suicide. I have experienced death though. My first, and it was very hard. My advice to you, instead of thinking about suicide (I know you can't just stop, that would be too easy), try to honor your friend by living for him. Try to imagine him being with you, in an omnipresent sort of way. I hope that brings you comfort. It did with me. Good luck on your journey, and I hope you make it through safe.

amazondebs i understand your reluctance to go on meds but why no look in to some alternative options like Germany said or even a form of meditation it's brilliant that you would honor Joe like this and that you are so open :)

hekissedmyhand I feel for your loss. It would seem at this moment, i have no words. And no amount of talking is going to make the void go. There no amount of anything that can make it any better. So i am not going to tell you "it gets easier with time". It just gets more bearble, more lax in your mind. I think that life is the most precious thing known to humanity. I think that you should keep on with your life as best you can - with joe in mind and live on. Follow through with the plans that you had made together so one day, you can tell him all about it.

lilie2 I would like to comment, because I’ve lost a friend… 3 years ago he jumped in front of a train (I still found it hard to say after all these years) I was so down, lost a lot of friends (cause of my mood and behaviour) and was send to a shrink, I avoided talking about my friend and trough time I felt somewhat better. It’s not that I didn’t wanted to talk about him, but just not with people who didn’t knew him (like shrinks who get paid to listen! pfff) I never had real closure, that is the imported thing I guess, cause I’ve been depressed 3 times in 3 years, it comes back every time. I’m working on closure now, but it’s so hard. I know it happened in June, but how are you now? You feel better or found some closure? (I’m sorry if your not, people assume that through time it al is better, but it’s for anyone different!) I hope you don’t feel guild anymore. Do people still talk about your friend? Cause that’s what I miss, no one talk about my friend, it’s like taboo or something. I think it helps to talk in a way… I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you anything you haven’t heard before, I definitely don’t want to compare your friend with mine, I’m just writing down my experience and the way I dealt (or didn’t) with it, with my advise to you to find closure, cause I just don’t want people to go through the same things I’ve been trough years after and still have…

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