On the 21st of June 2007, my best friend killed himself. He shot himself in the head after suffering from depression for what he a dit was 'as long as i can remember'. I'd known the guy from when i was three and i miss him like the devil. He was called Joe Spencer Garrard. But for the last few years he dropped the spencer bit, (his bastard dads name). I grew up with the guy and was with him on the last day. Hence i feel almightly responcible, and i know people have told me there is nothing i could have done but i do. As we grew up together we used to play out in the woods alot, Joe was an out door person, he liked to mess around, we both did. But since he died i feel like my childhood is over and i must grow up. =[ So faithful fanpop friends, my guts are on display to toi lovely lot.

i am Lost and every jour a part of me wants to not be alive anymore, I have tryed talking to people on Suicide fourums, people who have all expirienced things like this but it just feels like they are regurgitating the same stuff from person to person, im seeing a shrink (docter) about my depression but i wont go on Meds.


I don't know what conseil im looking for i suppose what can i do? i just need to vent and if anyone has anything to say, ou advise feel welcome don't feel sheepish, ask about Joe if toi want to i want to talk about him =]


added on Jan11: just found the ulagy that i a dit at Joes cremation. Joes mum came and hugged me on the podium after i had finished. I was choked with tears but its just something i thought i'd put up

" Joe was my best friend.I've known him for 13 years and he meant the world to me. When anyone talks about him I think of stupid ideas, stupid risks and the inevitable consequences. He was a person who didn't have to try and impress others, he could naturally do it.

I feel Joe made his peace with the world and that makes me happy, to know he wasn't angry at the end. I find it impossible to say how i feel about Joe. The words soulmate ou kindred spirits don't seem to describe what we had. We grew up together; we shared plans for the future and memories from the past. Anyone that has that with another should cherish it because it can be taken from toi so suddenly like it was for me and Joe.

I l’amour Joe, so much and I hope he is in a better place now."