I'm trying to compile a huge liste of citations - everything from the sarcastic things House says to the constant conseil Wilson offers. citations from all the episodes both amusing and thought provoking.
I'm doing my best, but its hard to make a dent in the huge amount of citations there are. So here's what I have, I'll update it as much as I can, and if toi have anything toi want me to add - let me know and I will!
Thanks and I hope toi enjoy!

Last Updated: 20 May 2008

*NEW* Wilson's Heart quotes
(More to come) - Please commentaire any toi may have!

House: Life shouldn't be random.... lonely misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes and young do-gooders in l’amour who get dragged out of their apartments in the middle of the night should walk away clean.
Amber: Self-pity isn't like you.
House: No well I'm branching out from self-loathing and self-destruction. Wilson is gonna hate me.
Amber: toi kinda deserve it.
House: He's my best friend.
Amber: I know. Pause. What now?
House: I could stay here with you.
Amber: Get off the bus.
House: It doesn't hurt here.... I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. And I don't want him to hate me.
Amber: Well, toi can't alwys get what toi want.

Doctor: Her cœur, coeur won't stop racing, no idea what's causing it.
House: Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?

Kutner: What did House have to say?
Thirteen: He told me I was raised par loups and that's why I use the same hand for my fork and knife.

Amber: I'm tired. Wilson slightly nods his head. I think it's time to go to sleep.
Wilson: Just a little longer.
Amber: We're always gonna want just a little longer.
Wilson: I don't think I can do it.
Amber: Its ok.
Wilson: Its not ok. Why is it ok with you? Why aren't toi angry?
Amber: That's not the last feeling I want to experience.
He kisses her and then turns off the machines keeping her alive. She gently holds his arm and looks into his eyes one last time.

Cuddy: I'm distracting you.
House: No! Dance woman!
Cuddy: You'd rather be diagnosing.
House: I screamed no!
Cuddy: And your own subconscience ignored toi cause you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?


HOUSE

House: "Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they're as damaged as they are beautiful."

House: "I am both amused and annoyed that toi think I should be less stubborn than toi are."

House: "Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team". There is a "me", though, if toi jumble it up."

House: "Some jour there will be a black President. Some jour there will be a gay President. Maybe there'll even be a gay, black President. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. toi need to stop lying to me."

House: "Are toi ... comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so toi know, I've never made a tree.

House: "Nonconformity, right. I can't remember the last time I saw a 20-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. toi are one wicked free thinker. toi want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does and get a haircut. Like the Asian kids who don't leave the bibliothèque for 20 hours stretches, they're the ones who don't care what toi think. Sayonara."

House: "Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son's a perv, that's pretty high up there. People finding out that you'd rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where's that rank?"

House: "This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. toi think you're talking about one thing, and either toi are and it's incredibly boring, ou you're not because it's subtext and toi need a decoder ring."

House: "It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. toi find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for."

House: "If toi can fake sincerity, toi can fake pretty much anything."

House: "You know how they say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even plus important."

House: "I know you're Friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man."

House: "Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."

House: "Listen, I saved his life. That means I get credit for every life he saves from here on out."

House: "There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function."

House: "[knocking on Wilson's office door] I know you're in there! I can hear toi caring!"

House: "Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt."

House: "Isn't it interesting... religious behavior is so close to being crazy that we can't tell them apart."

House: "Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one."

House: "Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I like mine black, just like my brain damaged neurologists."

House: "...Everything is conditional. toi just can't always anticipate the conditions."

House: "If we were to care about every person suffering on this planet, life would shut down."

House: "Could have left the scarf at accueil and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation."

House: "I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, ou any other orifice for that matter, and donné the right circumstances bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy."

House: "No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all access pass to her l’amour rug."

House: "Good news is all the pilots are red meat men. Although I was kinda looking vers l'avant, vers l’avant to landing this chiot myself."

House: "I asked toi what two plus two equals and a jour later toi tell me, 'Not twenty-five."

House: "Never is just reven spelled backwards."

House: "First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House]? 'Huge ego, sorry.'"

House: "I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see... they're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.... There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find plus comforting.... I find it plus comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test."

House: "There is not a thin line between l’amour and hate. There is --- in fact --- a Great mur of China with armed sentries posté every 20 feet between l’amour and hate."

House:"What usually happens when toi poke something with a stick? It pokes back."

House (about Wilson telling people they are dying): "This buddy of mine, I gotta give him ten bucks every time somebody says Thank you. Imagine that. This guy's so good, people thank him for telling them that they're dying.... I don't get thanked that often."

House: Mixing up some margaritas? Mines a double, Senorita. That's Portuguese, toi know.

House: What would toi prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while toi die ou one who ignores toi while toi get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores toi while toi die.

House: I've been a doctor for years. Why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?

b]House[/b]: Hey! He knows plus homeless people than any of us! [to Foreman] Go check out the hood, dawg.

House: "I'm happy to rapporter that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear."

House: "When I lead the big patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."


WILSON

Wilson: "You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp"."

Wilson: "And toi want my conseil on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome: you'll need a toga, and of course, a sword."

Wilson: "Are toi trying to end this discussion par grossing me out? I'm an oncologist, most of my patients have their skin sloughing off."

Wilson: "I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months ou years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness ou even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves par their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real."

Wilson: "I've got no kids, my marriage sucks; I've only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid, screwed-up friendship, and neither mattered enough to toi to give one lousy speech."

Wilson: "I've got to be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience."

Wilson: Trying to win Stacy back par killing an animal. Very caveman.

Wilson: Oh, this is where I give toi conseil and pretend toi are going listen to it, I l’amour this part.

Wilson: I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again.

Wilson: Is it possible for toi to just watch me eat. ou do toi get some primeval thrill out of beating the other hunters to the food?

Wilson: "You're so afraid if toi change, you'll lose what makes toi special."

CUDDY

Cuddy: "Is your yelling designed to scare me because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scared of. plus yelling? That's not scary. That you're gonna hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can out run you."

Cuddy: Oh, I looked up that philosopher toi quoted, Jagger, and you're right. toi can't always get what toi want. But as it turns out, if toi try sometimes, toi get what toi need.

Cuddy: "It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?"

Cuddy: "Here's what I think she's going to say. [Imitating Stacy's accent] Oh, I loooove Greg! But if toi go against the patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery."

Cuddy: When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes.
[voice breaking] Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera ou a paraplegic who wants to...

Cuddy: It's not going to work. toi know why? Because this is fun. toi think of something to make me miserable, I think of something to make toi miserable. It's a game, and I'm going to win. Because I got a headstart - you're already miserable.

Cuddy: When I hired toi , I knew toi were insane. I will continue to try and stop toi from doing insane things, but once they're done...trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane.

Cuddy: Twenty-four times a an toi come storming into my office spouting that toi can help someone. Except toi never say those words. toi say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!""

HOUSE/WILSON

Wilson: "That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality."
House: "Thank you. It was either that ou get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain."

Wilson: "I'm not gonna rendez-vous amoureux, date a patient's daughter."
House: "Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't rendez-vous amoureux, date at all."

Wilson: "So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down'."
House: "Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live', but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows."

House: "What, you're saying I've only got one friend?"
Wilson: "Uh, and who...?"
House: "...Kevin, in Bookkeeping."
Wilson: "Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl."
House: "I call him Kevin. It's a secret "friendship club" name."

House: "You value our friendship plus than your ethical responsibilities."
Wilson: "Our friendship is an ethical responsibility."

Wilson: "Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect."
House: "And the reason toi want respect...?"
Wilson: "To...get laid."

Wilson: "She was uncomfortable doing any plus tests! I had to convince her to do that one!"
House: "Do toi get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you? "

House: "Wilson! How long can toi go without sex?"
Wilson: "How long can toi go without annoying people?"

Wilson: "Can this wait five minutes?"
House: "Is she dying?"
Wilson: "Yes."
House: "Before the end of this consult?"
Wilson: "They could build monuments to your self-centeredness."

Wilson: "House! Why the hell did toi let an unstable patient wander the hallways?!?"
House: "His leash broke."

Wilson: "What're toi doing down here? Thought toi usually have lunch with Coma Guy."
House: "This is Vegetative-state Guy. Better company."

House: "You're the oncologist; I'm just a lowly infectious disease guy." 

Wilson: "Hah, yes: just a simple country doctor."

House: "There are about a billion sick people on the planet, why this one?" 

Wilson: "Because this one's in our emergency room." 

House: "Ah, so it's a proximity issue. If somebody was sick in the third floor cage d'escalier, cage d’escalier that's who we would be talking about."
Wilson: "Yes, I checked the stairwell, it's clear."

Wilson:"You can be a real jerk sometimes, toi know that?"
House: "Yeah. And you're the good guy." 

Wilson: "At least I try." 

House: "As long as you're trying to be good, toi can do whatever toi want." 

Wilson: "And as long as you're not trying, toi can say whatever toi want." 

House: "So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!"

House: "You see grace because toi want to see grace." 

Wilson: "You don't see grace because toi won't go anywhere near her." 

House: "Idolizing is pathological with toi people. toi see things to admire where there's nothing." 

Wilson: "Yeah, well, we're evil." 

House: "You find things to admire where toi shouldn't be sniffing at all; like Debbie in accounting." 

Wilson: "She's nice." 

House: "You shouldn't know that, you're married."

House: "Half the doctors who specialize in oncology turned into burned out cases, but you. toi eat neediness." 

Wilson: "Lucky for you...." 

House: "You're a functional vampire. Sure you're heroic, useful to society, but only because it feeds you.... toi don't just have a fetish for needy people, toi marry them. toi mean it! And then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy any more. Your fault. You've been there for them too much, they're getting healthy, independent. And that's just ugly.... toi know what you're risking par sleeping with a patient." 

Wilson: "Oh, that's crap. You're not mad because I'm risking my job. You're not even mad because I lied to you. You're mad because I lied to toi and toi couldn't tell." 

House: "Yeah. toi got me nailed."

House: "I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous." 

Wilson: "I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats."

Wilson: "Does it occur to toi that maybe there's some deeper guidance than keep your mouth shut? That maybe a friend might value concern over glibness? That maybe... maybe I'm going through something that I need to have an actual conversation about?" 

House: "Does it occur to toi that if toi need that kind of a friend, that toi may have made some deeper errors."

Wilson: "You know why people are nice to other people?" 

House: "Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, ou people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction."
Wilson: "Exactly...." 

House: "You gonna get to your point?" 

Wilson: "You need people to like you." 

House: "I don't care if people like me." 

Wilson: ..."Yes. But toi need people to like toi because toi need people. Unless toi think toi can get the suivant court order yourself. If Stacy can't trust you, toi can't use her. And that's not even dealing with the greater agenda — of getting her to dump her husband and fall in l’amour with toi all over again."

Wilson:'The healer with his magic powers! / I could rub his gentle brow for hours. / His manly chest, his stubbled jaw, / Everything about him leaves me raw-'
House: Psych ward's upstairs.
Wilson: -with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same.' It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Wilson: That's fairly disgusting.
House: That's ageism.
Wilson: toi better watch yourself around this babe.

House: toi bastard. toi invited my parents to dinner.
Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth.
House: Ha! Not as big as yours.
Wilson: Hey, toi used me to avoid seeing your parents.
House: Well, what do toi care?
Wilson: I don't. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
House: toi could have just asked.
Wilson: toi would have lied.
House: And toi would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do toi want your money back, is that what this is about?
Wilson: No! Wait, what? Have toi got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Wilson: If toi have the money, then why did toi need the loan?
House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since toi lent me forty dollars a an ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Wilson: You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
House: That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do toi say, one little phone call, one big check?
Wilson: Fine. [takes check]
Wilson: Thanks. [gets in car]
Wilson: Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy toi don't want to see them ou I'm picking toi up at 7:00 for dinner.
House: What do toi mean? toi just said...
Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to toi in increasing amounts ever since I told toi toi look good unshaved a an ago. It's a little experiment, toi know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Wilson: I am so tired of this.
[pause]
Wilson: Did toi know that the new nurse from cardiology is sleeping with that weird lawyer from the board?
House: The guy with eleven fingers?
Wilson: He has eleven fingers?
House: How do toi not notice that?
Wilson: The nurse used to be a man.
House: [guessing] She's not anymore.
Wilson: But we can't talk about that.
House: I thought we were.
Wilson: We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that, but on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA patient.
House: [thinks] ... tranny nurse is plus interesting.
Wilson: Oh, it's WAY plus interesting. But instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience...
House: No one enjoys it...
Wilson: You're studying her.
House: She's actually sick.
Wilson: Which toi found out after toi took her on.
House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats. toi don't care about her illness, toi care about CIPA - which means your focus is gonna be on getting your answers, not hers.
House: Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed.
Wilson: What do toi think you're gonna figure out? toi think... her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain.
House: I think... if you'd stop talking to Cameron, then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of doability.

Wilson: Even I don't like you!
House: Words can hurt toi know.

House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives par watching, listening, deducing...
Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?

Wilson: She's looking to connect with you, and that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth.
House: There is no truth.
Wilson: Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't wanna be you.

House: Ah, if it isn’t Dr. “I had no Friends when I was growing up, so all I did was watch TV par myself which is why I can now make pop cultural references which no one understands but me.”
Wilson: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

House: "Tonight."
Wilson: "What?
House: "'L Word' Marathon."
Wilson: "You watch 'The L Word'?"
House: "On mute."
Wilson: "I'll pass. dîner with Cuddy...."
House (after Wilson explains): "She asked you?"
Wilson: "She's smart. She knows if she buys me enough alcohol my defenses just might be weakened."
House: "Doesn't make sense. Unless she ran out of batteries."
Wilson: "Hey. I'm recently single. She's single."
House: "You're too nice for her to like you. She's not needy enough for toi to like her. She's got an agenda. Just not one that includes an appearance par 'little Jimmy'."

Wilson (telling House that his theory that Cuddy wanted to consult because she had cancer was wrong): "It was a date."
House: "What are toi doing?"
Wilson: "PCR test."
House: "You're doing it yourself. In the middle of the night. On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon."
Wilson: "I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers."
House: "Yeah— I do that after all my dates, too. People think you're the nice one."
Wilson: "Why are toi so worried about Cuddy?"
House: "You go first. toi desperately want this to be a date."
Wilson: "Because the alternative is cancer."
House: "Just admit that toi like her. She's smart, funny. Got a zesty bod. It's great toi can look beyond the fact she's the devil"
Wilson: "I a volé, étole a spoon. toi a volé, étole her garbage.
House: "She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her. Especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to manipulate someone new."
Wilson: "Whoa. I think I'm gonna cry."

House: "Just be straight with her."
Wilson: "I'm not sure what that is. I— I can't stop thinking about her."
House: "In what way?"
Wilson: "Maybe she's right, maybe— maybe this is worth exploring?"
House: "You sure she feels—"
Wilson: "She sent me flowers! How do I do this? What do I say?"
House: "Cameron would tell toi to say how toi feel. Me, I'd get her drunk."
Wilson: "I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to Kiss her."
House: "That's— a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah your right, if toi spoke you'd say something stupid."
Wilson: "Yeah, and I'll either get a girlfriend ou get fired. Ok— yeah ok … You, toi toi you! toi were going to let me do that?"
House: "Well toi made a compelling argument."
Wilson: "You sent those fleurs to me!"
House: "Yes because, toi took her to a play because actually toi do want to march down there and Kiss her."
Wilson: "No! I don't!"
House: "Yes toi do."
Wilson: "You're right."
House: "Seriously?"
Wilson: "No. You're a jerk."

Wilson: "Bonnie called last night to talk about the dog. Your name came up."
House: "Good lord, how do toi still have teeth?"
Wilson: "She’s the worst realtor in New Jersey. What is this, escalation? I go out with Cuddy, toi hook up with my ex? I don’t even know what that’s designed to do."
House: "You’re an addict. I’m saving toi from yourself."
Wilson: "By condo shopping, thank you."
House: "If I can figure out where toi keep going wrong, then I can nip this Cuddy thing in the bud before she becomes the fourth ex-Mrs. Wilson.
Wilson: Yes, I was worried there was no way to stop that train."
House: "You have to have sex with Cuddy."
Wilson: "Wait… to stop the train? Bonnie a dit (quietly) I’m bad in bed?"
House:(loudly) "Huh?! (normally) Yeah. She also a dit if she slept with toi before she liked you, then it would have been easier to handle when toi turned into the sorry bastard that left her alone."
Wilson: "I told her toi were wasting her time, par the way."
House: "You think that’s going to stop her? The woman’s the worst realtor in New Jersey."

Wilson: So your philosophy is, 'If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.'
House: Yeah. My old philosophy used to be 'Live and let live,' but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.

House: I a dit I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Wilson: That all toi want? toi have no relationships.
House: I don't want any relationships.
Wilson: toi alienate people.
House: I've been alienating people since I was three.
Wilson: Oh, come on! Drop it! toi don't think you've changed over the last few years?
House: Well, of course I have. I've gotten older. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Wilson: No. I was there. toi are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're scared to face yourself-
House: [slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Wilson: [pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills?
House: They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.


HOUSE/CUDDY

Cuddy: "Good morning, Dr. House."
House: "Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! l’amour that outfit. Says, I'm professional, but I'm still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the seconde part."
Cuddy: "Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too."

House: "Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk."
Cuddy: "You're addicted to pain pills."
House: "But I'm not useless."

House: "Death row guy. I want the case."
Cuddy: "How do toi even know about him? toi don't have access to the hospital's mainframe."
House: "No, but "partypants" does."
Cuddy: "You a volé, étole my password?"
House: "Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice."

House: "Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell toi who started the rumor about toi being a transsexual."
Cuddy: "There is no such rumor."
House: "There will be unless toi get me out of this dinner."

House: "Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?"
Cuddy: "Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby."

Cuddy: "These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?"
House: "Hasn't let me down yet"

Cuddy: "I can't even imagine the backwards logic toi used to rationalize shooting a corpse."
House: "Well if I'd shot a live person there's a lot plus paperwork."
Cuddy: "Then it won't be a problem for toi to stand besides the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer patient has a bullet hole in his head."
House: "The man donated his body to science. Yes, it's a tragedy. If I hadn't shot him his body could have spent the suivant an letting first an med students use the carpool lane."

House: "After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky and looks like you're up."
Cuddy: "I'm ovulating. Let's go."
House: "The frisky, it went away."

Cuddy: "Is that Vicodin?"
House: "Breath mint. Thought toi were going to Kiss me"

House (complaining about having to teach a course): "Why is it always me?" 

Cuddy: "Because the world hates you. ou because it's a class on diagnostics. Pick whatever reason feeds your narcissism better."

House: "You’re guilt. It's perverse, and it makes toi a crappy doctor. It also makes toi okay at what toi do." 

Cuddy: "You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?" 

House: "Well, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better." He points his cane at Stacy, "Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming." He changes back to the initial subject, "I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy. toi see the world as it is and toi see the world as it could be. What toi don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in-between." 

Cuddy: "House, I'm not naive. I realize—"
House: "If toi did, toi never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss and you'll never be happy." He starts to leave and then turns back, "By the way, why does everybody think toi and I had sex? Think there could be something to it?"

Cuddy: "What’s the problem?"
House: "You won’t go to a play with me. Why?"
Cuddy: "House, why is my social life suddenly red hot? One minute, I’m mushing along with the huskies as usual, and suddenly its global warming. toi think toi saw someone pick up a toy from the sandbox and suddenly toi want it."
House: "Is that why toi a dit no?"
Cuddy: "Maybe I just want a friend and I thought Wilson was a sûr, sans danger choice."
House: "I'm not safe. Cool. James Wilson is never the sûr, sans danger choice."
Cuddy: "Going to a gallery, we’re not getting married."
House: "Oh, sure toi say that now. But he always marries them in the end."

Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if toi don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want toi to do your job.
House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what toi want.'

Cuddy (leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt): What are toi doing back here? A patient?
House: No, a hooker. Came to my office instead of my home.

House: [talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a cœur, coeur attack! Oh my! I didn't see toi there - That is so embarrassing...
Cuddy: How's your hooker doing?
House: Oh, sweet of toi to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.

House: In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her the wrong dosage.
Cuddy: You're going to admit negligence?
House: Unless toi leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and.... [Cuddy leaves]

Cuddy: Good morning, Dr. House.
House: Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! l’amour that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the seconde part.
Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

Cuddy: How did toi even remember him? We were only at that party for like 10 minutes"
House: What is this, a new health plan? Service the Dean of Medicine toi get free health care for a year. Why are toi smiling?
Cuddy: toi remembered him *because* he made out with me.
House: ... I'm good with faces. So this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?
Cuddy: You're lousy with faces.
House: Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?
Cuddy: Get over me.
House: Give me a break. toi hired me-
Cuddy: -because you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got toi cheap.
House: toi gave me everything I asked for because one night I gave toi everything you-.
Cuddy: Stop starring at my cul, ass when toi think I'm not looking, montrer up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date, and fantasizing about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago, House. Get over it.

House: Well, I don’t want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Cuddy: You’re addicted to pain pills.
House: But I’m not useless.

House: I'm not doing it. (Leaves, then stops) You're supposed to stop me. Renegotiate.
Cuddy: Hmm, and toi were supposed to keep on walking. Sorry, I guess we both screwed up. Go on, do it again.

House: Why is it always me ?
Cuddy: Because the world hates you.

Cuddy: Did toi give cortical steroids to speed the baby's lung development?
House: No, I dropped an anvil on its chest to prevent lung development. I'm trying to extinguish the human race one fetus at a time

Cuddy: What are toi doing?
House: Well, you’re trying to be me so I thought I’d try to be you.
Cuddy: toi don’t have the cleavage for it.
House: But I have a much tighter ass.

Cuddy: toi put him on Lupron?
House: Uh-huh.
Cuddy: And toi told them it was like milk?
House: Yes.
Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
House: It's creamy.

Cuddy: I need toi to wear your lab coat.
House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Cuddy: What are toi doing?
House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop jouer la comédie like a 13-year-old!
House: Sorry. toi just don't normally see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? ou just ugly ones?
House: No, they can be babes. It's just toi don't normally see their fun bags.

House: How are we doing on the cotton swabs today? If there's a critical shortage, I could run home.
Cuddy: No, toi couldn't.
House: Nice.

Cuddy: Do toi have anything to add to this debate?
House: Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, your chemise is way too revealing for the office.

Cuddy: They're sleeping together?
House: If par sleeping together toi mean having sex in the janitor's closet...
Cuddy: Here?
House: No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. Go Tigercats! Do toi have one of those camera phones? 'Cause I got a mySpace account.
Cuddy: I will deal with them after I deal with you.
House: Oh c'mon... let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage.

Cuddy: toi can't lift your arm.
House: toi can't pee standing up.

Cuddy: Put down the syringe.
House: I can outdraw you, mysterious stranger.

Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

House: I want my old carpet back.
Cuddy: It was stained with blood.
House: Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Cuddy: toi think toi can get me to do anything toi want, regardless of how stupid it is?
House: It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing toi to brag to rich people so they'll give toi plus money to spend on MRI's and low-cut tops.

House: I thought toi were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.

House: Bad news... estrogen is too high.
Cuddy: No matter how many people toi tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.

WILSON/CUDDY

Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't find us?
Wilson: Unless toi wanna make out.

Cuddy: "So this is Hockney?"
Wilson: "No. I don’t know what happened."
Cuddy: "I’m sure toi don’t. I never knew your tastes were so eclectic."
Wilson: "Oh, the Hockney exhibit finished on April 20th, I thought it was May 20th. Okay, my bad. This is not somewhere I’d bring someone on a date. Not that this is a date, obviously. I was just thinking… he’s doing landscapes on multiple canvases now, and they’re kind of peaceful, and you’re always busy, and…"
Cuddy: "Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever seen toi embarrassed before."


HOUSE/CAMERON

Cameron: "What happened to everybody lies?"
House: "I was lying."

Cameron: "A spot on an x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal."
House: "I l’amour children. So filled with hope."
Cameron: "[To House] l’amour is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. No, maybe I should give a plus relatable example."

House: "There's a bullet in his head."
Cameron: "He was shot?"
House: "No ... somebody threw it at him."

House: When did my signature get so girly?
Cameron: I can explain.
House: See that "G", see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn’t even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What’s the differential diagnosis for écriture "G's" like a junior high school girl?

Cameron: What about sex?
House: Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe toi like that.
Cameron: I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
House: Heh, nice cover.

Cameron: Your birthday.
House: Oh. Anger was a bad guess. Well, normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the earth has circled the sun one plus time. I really didn't think it was gonna make it this year, but darnit, if it wasn't the Little Planet That Could all over again.
Cameron: It's a birthday. It's an excuse to be happy. toi think that's lame?
House: Why are toi here? To buy me a pony?

Cameron: Brandon's not ready for surgery.
House: OK, let's leave it a couple of weeks. He should be feeling better par then. Oh wait, which way does time go?

Cameron: toi want me to tell a man whose wife is about to die that she may have cheated on him?
House: No, I want toi to be polite and let her die.

HOUSE/CHASE

Chase: "How would toi feel if I interfered in your personal life?"
House: "I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life. "

Chase: If she’s never kissed a boy, it’s a fair bet she’s never had sex.
House: Tell that to all the hookers that won’t Kiss me on the mouth.

HOUSE/FOREMAN

Foreman: "Ten an olds do not have cœur, coeur attacks. It's gotta be a mistake."
House: "Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on."

Foreman: "Aren't there better ways to spend our time?"
House: "Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife plus deserving than a man who kills his wife?"
Foreman: "Uh yeah. Actually, he is."
House: "What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should toi be denied for being a car thief? Tell toi what: the three of toi work out a liste of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back."

Foreman: "Her oxygen saturation is normal."
House: "It's off par one percentage point."
Foreman: "It's within range. It's normal."
House: "If her DNA was off par one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin."

Foreman: "What do toi expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?"
House: "Actually, I expect toi to act like what toi are - my employee, my subordinate ... my bitch."

Foreman: "I had a rendez-vous amoureux, date last night. She screamed too. toi think we should spend a hundred thousand dollars testing her?"
House: "Of course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing!"

House: Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Foreman: From what I've read false paternity is plus like ten percent.
House: That's what our moms would like us to believe.
Cameron: Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead par now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?
House: Fifty bucks says I'm right.
Foreman: I'll take your money.
House: Hit a nerve? Don't worry Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked toi in at night was your daddy.
Foreman: Make that a hundred dollars.


HOUSE/STACY

House: "You met me at a strip club."
Stacy: "You were the worst two dollars I ever spent."

House: "How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?"
Mark: "It's not the size of the muscle; it's where toi get to put it"
Stacy: "My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade."

Stacy: "At least this time I recognize it. That's the amer bit of convincing the two men toi ever loved they're better off without you."
House: "Yeah, it's all your fault. toi know, Stacy in the original Greek means "relationship killer."

Stacy to Wilson about House: "He had that smug look on his face when he's that pleased about something, he's got to tell somebody and the only somebody he knows is you."


PATIENTS

Rebecca: "I just want to die with a little dignity."
House: "There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if toi can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it."

A patient (asking Wilson about House): "Does he care about you?" 

Wilson: "I think so." 

The patient: "You don't know?" 

Wilson: "As Dr. House likes to say, 'Everybody lies.'" 

The patient: "It's not what people say, it's what they do." 

Wilson [after thinking for a moment][i]: "Yes, he cares about me."

Patient's Mother: How can toi just sit there?
House: If I eat standing up, I spill.

Clinic Patient: [i][turning to leave] I should go.
House: toi think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a pain basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem - it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff - you're going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.

Georgia: So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
House: Aha.
Georgia: toi remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
House: People are always mixing us up.

House: His liver is shutting down.
Father: What? What does that mean?
House: Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father: What?
House: What do toi think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father: What is your problem?
House: Bum leg, what's yours?


MORE

Wilson: "House, this is God."
House: "Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?"
Wilson: "Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?"
House: "You'll have to check with Cameron."
Wilson: "Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time."
Cuddy: "House]..."
House: "Quick God, smite the evil witch!"
Cuddy: "Are toi sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused par her father?"
House: "God, why have toi forsaken me?"

Rodney Foreman: "My son says you're a manipulative bastard."
House: "It's just a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling"."

Cameron: "You don't trust him?" 

Foreman: I don't trust a man who won't admit he might be wrong.

Foreman: "Yeah, I'm just like him. Except for the angry, bitter, pompous, cripple part." 

Cameron: "Maybe we should all pitch in and get toi a nice cane. You've already got the matching gym shoes.

House: "You're trying to have sex with Cuddy."
Wilson: "Fries?"
House: "You took her to a play, toi only take women to plays because—"
Wilson: "No, toi only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory."
House: "Ok, then why did toi take her to a play?"
Wilson: "She's a friend."
House: "A friend with a squish mitten."
Wilson: "It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without—"
House: "Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex she's a different species. She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head after she's done."
Wilson: "Yes, I slept with her."
House: "Seriously?"
Wilson: "No."
House: "Yes toi did."
Wilson: "Yes I did."
House: "Seriously?"
Wilson: "No. You've got a problem House."

Wilson: "You were right."
House: "Of course I was, what are we talking about? They printed my letter."
Wilson: "Great. Cuddy."
House: "You want to see her naked."
Wilson: "No no no, she wants to see me naked. She sent me flowers."
House: "Just thanking toi for the play. toi see some people have an emotion called gratitude."
Wilson: "There's a card."
House: "I suspected, explains how toi knew who they were from."
Wilson: "Lets do it again. Soon. X X. Lisa. X's are the kisses right?"
House: "No— I think they're the hugs. I think O's are the kisses."
Wilson: "No, no, X's are definitely the kisses. Soon is its own sentence...."
House: "They printed my letter. How was the play Mrs Lincoln?"
Cuddy: "What's up with Wilson?"
House: "He's just a little freaked."
Cuddy: "Why?"
House: "I sent him flowers."

Foreman: No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
House: montrer of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? (nobody moves) And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? (nobody moves again) Who thinks there's a third option?
[Chase raises his hand]
House: Very good. What's the third choice?
Chase: No idea. toi just asked if I thought there was one.

Foreman: He doesn't want toi treating him!
House: They dropped the court order.
Wilson: Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae.

Student: You're lire a comic book.
House: And you're calling attention to your bosom par wearing a low-cut top.
[the student covers her chest with her clipboard]
House: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive par nature.

Cameron: Why would toi need five thousand dollars?
Chase: Bad night at poker…or great night with a hooker?
House: Thank toi for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.