(This is a new series where I negatively review classic stories. And yes, I do like this story and I will like all the others I will do in the future, but I just thought this was a fun idea so... There toi go.)
So I'm pretty sure par now we all know this story. It's a timeless tale of adventure, and has a very important moral at the end. This story focuses on 3 pigs building houses to protect themselves from a loup and taught kids that time and effort equals success. :)
BUT SINCE I'M A NITPICKING DOUCHE-BAG WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE SHIT, I'm going to criticize this story as much as I can, pointing out every single last problem with it.
It's time to take a good old jars, gander at "The Three Little Pigs"
"Once upon a time when pigs spoke rhyme
And monkeys chewed tobacco,
And hens took snuff to make them tough,
And ducks went quack, quack, quack, O!"
Dafaq? And yes, this IS the original too. So I guess this story is another.............
TOTAL TRIP DOWN LSD LAAAAAAAND!!! ^_____^
"There was an old truie, cahier des charges with three little pigs, and as she had not enough to keep them, she sent them out to seek their fortune."
Is it just me ou does this sentence not make sense? I mean, it says there's an old truie, cahier des charges with three pigs, that's alright, but the rest doesn't add up. So, what? Is the truie, cahier des charges referring to a house ou a mother ou A TALKING HOUSE ou WHAT!?
"The first that went off met a man with a bundle of straw, and a dit to him: Please, man, give me that straw to build a house."
Yes old man, please give me your valuable supplies you'll probably need a lot for later. Give me presumably the only thing toi have for free. :)
"Which the man did, and the little pig built a house with it."
Wait, THAT'S IT!? THAT'S ALL THEY DO WITH THE OLD MAN!? WHY MAKE A CHARACTER IF THEY'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE 2 secondes OF SCREEN TIME, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
The auteur could've made an AWESOME ending where all the pigs are about to die, but then the old man saves them all and fights off the wolf! ou maybe the old man was evil and planned on killing the pigs later! BUT OF ALL THE THINGS THE auteur DECIDES TO DO, his mind decides to hail the magic conque shell and do nothing with the old man.
WHY TAKE THE TIME TO DRAW A DETAILED ORIGINAL CHARACTER AND DO NOTHING WITH THEM!?
And it gets even better. :)
"Presently came along a wolf, and knocked at the door, and said: Little pig, little pig, let me come in."
Because evil, deadly, and vicious man-eating loups apparently knock on doors. THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO TEACH KIDS!
loups would NEVER EVER do something that stupid and nice, they'd kill toi on the spot!
*Now waiting for commentaires telling me loups can be nice and I can suck it*
"To which the pig answered: Not par the hair on my chinny chin chin!"
My Teacher: salut Jared, tell me what 6 times 9 is. :)
Me: Not par the hair on my chinny chin chin!
My Teacher: Then FUCKING DIE BITCH! >:D
Me: HOLY SHIT WHEN DID THIS BECOME LETHAL WEAPON!? X___X
Seriously, who the hell says that? Oh well, whatever floats the authors boat. (Comments: Who says THAT!? @___@)
"The loup then answered to that: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"
BECAUSE SCARY VICIOUS MAN-EATING loups WHO WANT YOUR BLOOD.....
Apparently blow on your house in hopes of knocking it down. Seriously, this is the worst loup ever. HE'S plus OF A PANSY THAN SHANG TSUNG FROM MORTAL KOMBAT 9!
"So he huffed, and he puffed, and he blew his house in, and ate up the little pig."
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THIS IS A CHILDREN'S STORY!? Seriously, when the HELL in any kids book does a character get BRUTALLY EATEN ALIVE!? And I swear to god this is the original.
All of a sudden this wolf..... He ate a poor innocent little pig......
HE'S A TOTAL FUCKING BADASS! ^_____^
"The seconde little pig met a man with a bundle of furze, and said: Please, man, give me that furze to build a house."
BECAUSE EVERY 4 an OLD lire THIS BOOK KNOWS WHAT FURZE IS. :D
Seriously, before this review not even I KNEW what furze was. Great way to teach the kids there! Might as well put words like Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane and Acetaminophen in your book.
IT'S NO USE!
"Which the man did, and the pig built his house."
Another old man character with less personality than Pebbles and Bam-Bam from the Flintstones, HOOFUCKINGRAY. -___-
"Then along came the wolf, and said:"
I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU! >:D
Yeah, I'm just screwing with you. XD
"Little pig, little pig, let me come in. Not par the hair of my chiny chin chin! Then I'll puff, and I'll huff, and I'll blow your house in."
THis hasn't really bothered me until now, but HOW THE FUCK do toi blow a house IN!? HOW DO toi BLOW DOWN A HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE!?
At this point I wouldn't be surprised if Marvin The Martian from the Looney Toons just blew everything up. Hell, that would've been EPIC!
Seriously, someone has to do a Three Little Pigs and Marvin The Martian crossover, I'D PAY ANYTHING to see that.
"So he huffed, and he puffed, and he puffed, and he huffed, and at last he blew the house down, and he ate up the little pig."
I can just imagine the pre-school teachers saying "Yeah, this book is fine! No deadly vicious man-eating loups eating innocent little pigs in THIS book! :D"
Fucking liers. XD
"The third little pig met a man with a load of bricks, and said: Please, man, give me those bricks to build a house with."
And the loup huffed, and he puffed, and he fucked up, the end. :)
Haha Jared, I wish.
"So the man gave him the bricks, and he built his house with them."
Gee, these old people sure are nice..... Giving away good and valuable supplies for free...... Maybe they're on to something! Maybe they want to kill us a-
FREE STUFFZ YAYZAS! ^___________^
"So the loup came, as he did to the other little pigs, and said: Little pig, little pig, let me come in. Not par the hair of my chiny chin chin! Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house in.”
Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll FUCK YOUR HOUSE UP! >:D
Sorry, it's just so fun thinking about if that was actually in this book. XD
"Well, he huffed, and he puffed, and he huffed and he puffed, and he puffed and huffed; but he could not get the house down."
What they need is Kirby for this job, he'll fucking annihilate the brick house.
LIKE A BOSS!
"When he found that he could not, with all his huffing and puffing, blow the house down, he said: Little pig, I know where there is a nice field of turnips. Where?"
You.... toi MONSTER! toi eat all my friends.... toi destroy their houses and take everything that they owned..... And toi even tried to murder me, and NOW you're trying to be friends!?
"Oh, in Mr. Smith’s Home-field, and if toi will be ready tomorrow morning I will call for you, and we will go together, and get some for dinner.”
The Wolf: Oh we'll get dîner alright..... It'll be delicious..... Just toi and me, all alone........
The Third Pig: SOUNDS LEGIT! :D
"Very well... a dit the little pig, I will be ready. What time do toi mean to go? Oh, at six o’clock.”
toi have got to be fucking kidding me. Haven't toi ever heard the term "Never Judge A Book par It's Cover"?
Me at accueil looking for good books: BORING, DULL, STUPID, LAME....
"Well, the little pig got up at five, and got the turnips before the loup came (which he did about six) and said: Little Pig, are toi ready? The little pig said: Ready! I have been and come back again, and got a nice potful for dinner."
A POTFUL OF YOU! BWAHAHAHA!!!! *Intimidating Lightning*
Oh I forgot, this is The Three Little Pigs. GODDAMN IT!
"The loup felt very angry at this, but thought that he would be up to the little pig somehow ou other, so he said: Little pig, I know where there is a nice apple-tree. Where? a dit the pig."
LITTLE PIG, IF toi CLICK THIS BUTTON YOU'LL WIN ONE-MILLION DOLLARS! ^____^
Pig: ZOMFG REALLY!? :D
Seriously, this character is so stupid it's almost insulting.
"Down at Merry-garden replied the loup and if toi will not deceive me I will come for you, at five o’clock tomorrow and get some apples.”
Dear god, I feel like I'm reviewing a bad fanfiction.....
Also, HOW THE HELL CAN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS TALK!? I've been trying not to mention this for the entire article, but I can't stand it anymore. HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY TALKING!?
Advertisement: AND THAT'S the benefits of meth and cocaine! ^___^
"Well, the little pig bustled up the suivant morning at four o’clock, and went off for the apples, hoping to get back before the loup came; but he had further to go, and had to climb the tree, so that just as he was coming down from it, he saw the loup coming, which, as toi may suppose, frightened him very much."
Longest fucking sentence ever. Seriously, anything plus complicated than "He bought an apple" Shouldn't be in a kids book.
Also, this story is long as hell. Maybe suivant time I'll just review a Dr. Suess book.
(??: Oh yes Jared.... Yes toi will..... toi will PAY for what toi did to me in your haut, retour au début 10 Things I Hate The Most In Video Games list. Haha, HAHHAAHH!!!!)
"When the loup came up he said: Little pig, what! Are toi here before me? Are they nice apples?”
*Trying so hard to not make a penis joke*
"Yes, very, a dit the little pig. I will throw toi down one. And he threw it so far, that, while the loup was gone to pick it up, the little pig jumped down and ran home."
What kind of 5 an old wants to read this? My god, THIS IS SO BORING!
"The suivant jour the loup came again, and a dit to the little pig: Little pig, there is a fair at Shanklin this afternoon, will toi go? Oh yes, a dit the pig, I will go; what time shall toi be ready?"
Me: *Wakes Up* AHHH EVIL MUTANT GUMMY ours NAPALM FLAME NINJAS, toi WON'T PREVAIL THIS TIME! >.<
Me: Oh, this is reality. Oops.
MY GOD THOUGH, WHAT KIND OF KID IS GOING TO SIT THROUGH THIS!? At this point I would've done the sane thing and slammed the fucking book shut!
“At three, a dit the wolf. So the little pig went off before the time as usual, and got to the fair, and bought a butter-churn, which he was going accueil with, when he saw the loup coming."
I'm using all the power in my human body to not make a sex joke right here.
"Then he could not tell what to do. So he got into the churn to hide, and par so doing turned it round, and it rolled down the colline with the pig in it, which frightened the loup so much, that he ran accueil without going to the fair."
AND THAT'S WHY toi DON'T FUCK WITH PIGS.
Haha Jared, I wish. :)
I made that joke an heure ago. AW FUCK! WHEN WILL THIS END!?
"He went to the little pig’s house, and told him how frightened he had been par a great round thing which came down the colline past him."
IT WAS BIG, IT WAS ALL WIGGLY, AND IT ATE EVERYTHING! XD
Spongebob for the fucking win.
"Then the little pig said: Hah, I frightened you, then. I had been to the fair and bought a butter-churn, and when I saw you, I got into it, and rolled down the hill."
Suddenly this pig..... He almost murdered a wolf.... He resorted to bloodshed in a kids book.....
LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING BOSS! ^_______^
Damn it, I made that joke an heure il y a too. FUCK!
"Then the loup was very angry indeed, and declared he would eat up the little pig, and that he would get down the chimney after him."
Yes wolf. Reveal your plans in a very obvious way. Tell the pig straight up you're going to kill him and let him set up to kill you. :)
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS loup IS STUPIDER THAN COSMO FROM THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS! WHO THE HELL WOULD SAY WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO TO SOMEONE!?
Also for a moment I thought I was lire The Twilight Zone. It's just that this book has so much dark themes in it.
I just called The Three Little Pigs dark. Wow.
Holy shit. I'm going insane.
"When the little pig saw what he was about, he hung on the pot full of water, and made up a blazing fire, and, just as the loup was coming down, took off the cover, and in fell the wolf; so the little pig put on the cover again in an instant, boiled him up, and ate him for supper, and lived happy ever afterwards."
THANK Jésus IT'S FINALLY OVER.
In conclusion, why do so many people like this book? It's boring, a bit dark for kids, has a lot of long sentences and words in it 4 an old kids wouldn't understand, it's too long for it's own good, and the characters are donné little to no to Scrappy Doo personality.
It's cliche, lame, and outdated as hell. And that's it. I'm finally done, holy shit.
(For the record, all of the conclusion is a lie. Well, most of it anyways. I really did like this story, so leave me alone commentaires section.)
Anyways, this is Jared Potts, signing o-
??: Guess who..... Hahaha......
Me: Well fuck.
Kyros: Yes, it's me again. And you.... toi sick bastard.....
Me: What do toi want, some popcorn? It's in the cabin-
Kyros: SILENCE! toi shall pay DEARLY for what toi did to me! And your punishment......
Me: What is it, lunch detention? :D
Kyros! THAT'S IT! FOR YOUR suivant CRUSHING THE CLASSICS ARTICLE, YOU'RE GOING TO REVIEW YOUR favori DR. SUESS STORY.......
Me: Wait.... toi wouldn't.....
Kyros: Oh yes I would... Ha....Haha..... HAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!
Me: Please.... Don't do it! I l’amour that book!
Kyros: IT'S FINAL! YOU'RE REVIEWING..............
Kyros: The. Butter. Battle. Book.
(Well shit, the suivant episode's going to be a doozie. Goddamn it Kyros. Anyways, see toi guys later! Thanks for reading, and don't forget to click the I'm A fan button if toi enjoyed!)