Give me FUNNY jokes!

1:
Two dinosaures were sitting on an island when they see Noah's ark pass by. One says to the other, "Oh, shit! That was today?!"
(I got this from someone on here, I don't remember who)

2:
A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "No problem sir, but I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did toi get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," a dit the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet toi $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it.
"Okay." So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
"Aw, toi screwed me," a dit the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give toi another chance. I'll bet toi another $50 that I can bite my left eye," a dit the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched toi walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, toi screwed me again."
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $100," a dit the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give toi one last chance. I'll bet toi $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind toi without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on."
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, toi owe me $500!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over toi and the bar and still make toi laugh!"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

The silent fart

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "

I just let out a silent fart what do toi think I should do?"

He réponses " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
oh and a funny picture!

I don't have the energy to look for a funny joke... so can I just put a funny pic? MDR I'm going to whether it counts ou not ^_^

After buisson, bush was in office for one whole year, a little girl, having a dream to some jour lead her country came up to him, and asked buisson, bush to tell her the best thing about the white house that only he knew.

buisson, bush turned and look the little girl in the eye and a dit

"Its White."

well its not that funny
it goes what was my name yesterday they say ur name
what was my name two days il y a u say ur name
Then u say Knock Knock they say whos there then u say u forgot my name allreeady!