Sooner ou later mom had found out about my suicide thoughts,and Ofcourse she freaked out.It had been a few weeks before she found out.I sat with her on the couch,She just stared at me with tears in her eyes,Til she broke the silence.
"I think toi should go back."She Told me.
"Mom,I can't...I just..no."
"It would be best,I can tell,You miss them don't you."
"I just can't right now,I think I should wait a bit more."
"Well,I've talked to Ronnie,And I can assure toi it's been hell the last few weeks with out toi for her."She a dit fiercely."Now,Think about your children,Don't toi miss those sweet smiles?Its your descion,But at least call them."
She put down her phone,It was set to call Ronnie's phone.I looked at it,I hesatatied and thought what would they say,I abandon them.She pressed call,Then walked away.
"Dad?Is that you?"I heard the sweet voice voice of my little girl.
Hearing her voice saved me,but drowned me in guilt.
Moments flashed through my head from the moment I knelt down on one knee and ask Anna to marry me,To the seconde Ronnie was born and I heard her sweet innocent cry,To the regret of me getting on that plane,then I felt a tear streamed down my face.
"Yes daddy's here,Princess."
I could hear her crying.
"Don't cry,Big girl,I know it's hard.I don't really know when I'll be home.Daddys been very upset,But I miss you,Tell Kenna I l’amour her.."
I heard nothing but silence,Then few slam and the sound of glass shattering.
"Don't toi care?What about mom,Do toi even l’amour her ou want to know what she tried to do the other day?Because she fucking tried to kill herself,Standing on the haut, retour au début of a building looking down,Then she tried to cut herself.She barely even talks,She just sits there!!Your a selfish bastard,And I fucking hate you!"
She hung up ou threw her phone either way,I didn't matter.
I dropped the phone,The screen cracked.I just stared at it.I was speechless,I didnt speak,Through a million things ran through my head.My child,one the people I loved most in this world hated me,and at the bottom of it all,Without Anna,I was willing to kill myself,and without me,She was willing to kill herself.Ir was like we were just one big heart,when one of us was broken we were all broken.
"come on,Zayn."Smiled Alex,he stood there in his new school uniform.He seem the dissapointment in my eyes,and understood."What happened?"
He came and sat suivant to me on the couch.
"Same stuff,I just wasn't aware of the damage."
"Are toi going to be okay??"he asked.
I looked into that kids smile,and told him the truth.
"Yea,Are toi ready for your 1st jour of school?l."
In this silly world,I couldn't be happy,so why not live like I was and pretend,like a child in a costume.Just because my life was a mess didn't mean I got to bring down his spirit down,or anyone's.
"I know school isn't fun."I smiled."But hopefully you'll make some friends."
"Will I like it?"
"Just maybe,Now let's go."
We got up and walked out the living room,by the door my mon was standing there,She was smiling.
"I'm glad of your descion.It may punish you,But your actaully being responsi.."she started to laugh."It took toi 40 years to grow up!!"She laughed.
"Very funny mom."
"Come on I wanna go!!"Said Alex.
Sometimes I'd think of Alex as the son never had,Since it had been sometime around him,We got to know each other.He was like me,He loved comic books.Once I showed him old super Heros like Superman and batman.
We went to the car,
He got in the front,with my mom and I was stuck in back.
"Hey,mom play this."I handed her my iPod.
"Um,ok.."she looked at it confusingly.
Amazingly she plugged it up and a song came on.
It was an old song,'Dont stop believing.'by journey.
"Oh this song brings me memories."said my mom as she pulled out the drive way.
"let's sing it!"I smiled.
"I'm already a step ahead of you."laughed Alex.
That kids smile,Saved me.
"Justa small town girl!"I sang highly.
"Living in a lonely world,"laughed Alex.
"She took a midnight train going any where."sung Mom.
Soon we arrived at the school,It was a private school,Mom suggested it.
"Have a good day."I told him.
But my mom put the car in park.
"We have to go fill out some forms."My mom a dit then got out of the car.Alex looked at me funny.
"You should ask yourself that,I know your upset,You don't have to pretend your not for me.I know your not happy at all and toi dont have to act like toi care about me,Im not anyone."he said
Kindness sometimes doesn't work out and get appreciated as you'd want,So I just sat there,He got out the car.I waited a few minutes,Just thinking about my life.I didn't really know what to do,I was hurt and who ever a dit sticks and stones,Most diffantly lied words do hurt.Ignored the pain and took a moment to think about Anna.My dear Anna Beth,I remember every night she'd come and snuggle on my chest,I'd Kiss her and hold her,Then sometimes we'd sneak out and met somewhere.I missed those times,with the boys laughing at stupid stuff while Anna would sit across my lap and she'd smile,then I'd smile.She was mine and I was hers,She was my everything,But now she was thinking she was nothing to me.Thinking about her and those dusty memories,Made me miss her.Then there was Ronnie and Kenna,My two beautiful girls,Everyday it seemed plus as if Ronnie were grown.She was no longer my cerise pie,and my princess,She was 17,and mature.I could remember one jour in central park,Me and Anna watched her play as we had a picnic in the green herbe and cool spring.I remember the Excactly words Anna a dit to me'Just look at her,Shes beautiful,' and I looked back at her.'Yes,What about her?' she smiled,I understud what she meant.She wanted another,So then we met Kenna.She was born a bit differently,When she was born,4 years ago,She didn't cry but she laughed,She laughed a lot.I seen her cute chubby smile which made me laugh and giggle too.She was my honey boo,My baby girl,Sweet cœur, coeur and daddy's little love.My life was great then,I just had some sorting out to do,And try to be a better dad for my kids,And a better husband.It had been a few minutes since they went in,and shortly after I found myself wondering inside the brick school.The hallways were silent..for a second.I heard my mom yelling in the front office.
"I'm sorry,mam but he needs a guardian,and I'd your not his care taker so I'm going to have to call child derives to retrieve this child from you."a lady explained from the other side of the desk.
"Look,I'm sorry I yelled,But maybe we could work something out."Mom pulled out 110 pounds as an attempt to bribe her.
I looked at Alex,With his curly brown hair with his dark eyes,he stared at the ground pouting.
"What?This is a school.."
Interupted the lady,
"He has a guardian,It's me."I said,as I signed the paper.
Alex looked up,He got up with a smile.
"Really,Zayn??"he a dit with joy.
"Ofcourse,And it's dad from now on."
He hugged me,with a smile and joy in his heart.Mom looked at me with a smile.
"Okay,Now have a good day."I told him.
"Bye...Dad."he smiled and ran to class.