Theme song >>>> link
Ponies On The Rails
Peirce Hawkins "Hawkeye" From Seanthehedgehog
Red Rose From Chibiemmy
Honey Bee From NaomiWinx
Coffee Creme From KarinaBrony
Snowflake & Orion From Alinah09
Gordon, Percy, Jeff, Bartholomew, and Pete from Seanthehedgehog
Hawkeye: *stops train at station* Hi. My name is Peirce Hawkins, though someponies prefer to call me Hawkeye. For ten episodes of this season, I have made many readers of this series very happy, and gave them a good laugh. Well, not all of them came from me, but I tried! Now let's take a look at some of the highlights we all enjoyed.
Hawkeye: Hi, toi must be my new feu mare.
Coffee Creme: Yup.
Hawkeye: Name's Peirce Hawkins, though some ponies call me Hawkeye. Climb aboard, and we'll get going.
Coffee Creme: *enters locomotive*
Hawkeye: Alright, all toi have to do is use this shovel, to put all the coal into this firebox. I'll let toi know when to stop.
Coffee Creme: *shoveling coal*
Hawkeye: *waiting for signal*
Snowflake: *turns signal green*
Hawkeye: Alright, once I pull this lever, we'll get the wheels moving, and we're outta here. *pulls lever*
The wheels moved, but Hawkeye's train didn't go anywhere
Hawkeye: Come on. You're made to pull this!
Coffee Creme: *shoveling coal*
Hawkeye: Alright. Now we're moving.
Hawkeye: Now we uncouple the locomotives, and put them in the servicing facility. Meanwhile, three engines will get behind the train, and push it down the hump.
Coffee Creme: How do toi hump a train?
Hawkeye: toi don't. It goes down a colline which is called the hump, because it goes uphill, and shortly after that it goes downhill.
Coffee Creme: Is that it?
Hawkeye: Sort of. The cars in the train get uncoupled, and they go to different parts in the yard. The operator here is quick on her hooves.
Coffee Creme: What's her name?
Hawkeye: Red Rose. toi can see her through the windows in that tower.
Orion: Hey. Get your engines uncoupled, and let's go.
Hawkeye: Sure thing. *uncouples engines* Alright. We're set. *enters locomotive*
Coffee Creme: *follows*
Orion: *couples engines*
Red Rose: *switches tracks*
Hawkeye: *gets out of way*
Orion: *pushes train*
Hawkeye: And now, enjoy the action.
February 13, 1948
Hawkeye: *waits at station*
Gordon: *driving train*
Pete: Darling, where are toi going?
Theresa: I'm going for a walk.
Pete: Alright, but come back soon. Our train leaves soon.
Honey: Surely this signal has to turn green someday.
Hawkeye: It will, and don't call me Shirley.
Theresa: *on bridge* Is this part of your line?
Pete: No, that belongs to the Santa Neigh line.
Gordon: *driving train*
Pete: Watch out!!
Theresa: Ah! *drops purse*
Gordon: *going 50* Get outta the way!!
Theresa: *grabs purse*
Pete: Hurry up!
Gordon: *runs over Theresa*
Pete: *gasp* toi IDIOT!!! toi killed my wife!!
Gordon: *drives faster*
B&O worker: *sees Hawkeye's train*
Hawkeye: *stops train* Hey, how's it going?
B&O worker: Fine. Your engines are ready to be picked up.
Hawkeye: Oh, my controller made me stop here along the way. He a dit toi can keep these engines in our train for a few of your Pacifics.
B&O worker: Really? Thanks.
Hawkeye: No, thank you. Where are the Pacifics.
B&O worker: Let me check with my boss. *walks away*
Coffee Creme: Well? Now what?
Hawkeye: We tell his boss the same story. In the meantime, just relax.
Red Rose: *switching tracks* Orion, slow down a little will you?
Orion: Fine *slows down*
Hawkeye: *blows whistle*
Red Rose: *switches wrong track* Wha-?!
Orion: Seems like they got the engines.
Pete: *sees Hawkeye's engines* What happened? I thought I was leasing diesels here!
Hawkeye: Yeah about that. They didn't have any, and gave us these three engines instead.
Pete: Alright. Tomorrow, you, and Coffee Creme are going to carry a freight down into Greeley.
Hawkeye: Alright. See toi tomorrow Pete.
Coffee Creme: Bye boss.
Snowflake: Hey, wait for me!
Honey: And me!
Hawkeye: Oh why not? The plus the merrier.
Snowflake: Let's all hop in my station wagon.
Others: Sounds good!
Snowflake: Who's house are we going to today?
Hawkeye: No thank you, I'd rather stay healthy.
Gordon returned to Cheyenne with the two diesels, painted in B&O colors.
Pete: What is this? Did toi steal these engines?!
Gordon: No sir! I-It was Hawkeye!! He set me up!
Pete: Hawkeye would never do something like that! Unlike you, he is a hard worker, delivers trains on time, and does not steal engines like what you've done!
Gordon: But- you've got to find him, and interrogate him about this!
Pete: No buts. He is in Greeley, and is lucky not to deal with toi like I am right now. toi are suspended from work with no pay for a month!
Pete: Two months.
Gordon: Fine! *runs away*
Gordon returned to work after his suspension. He was happy to return, but little did he know that things would ultimately go bad for him.
Pete: Welcome back Gordon. Now repeat after me.
Gordon: What for?
Pete: Repeat after me! I will not do anything to disgrace this railroad.
Gordon: I will not do anything to disgrace this railroad.
Pete: ou anyone that works here
Gordon: ou anyone that works here.
Pete: I will do exactly what my boss tells me to do.
Gordon: I will do exactly what my boss tells me to do.
Pete: And I will not fuck with him in anyway.
Gordon: And I will not fuck with him in anyway.
Gordon: Ok, no cursing. This is my train, no cursing.
Gordon: Hey, what the hell did I just say?
Gordon: Oh wow, are toi deaf?
Gordon: Still going. Really?
Gordon: Do toi want me to jump out of this train?
Hawkeye: It'd be pretty nice.
Gordon: Well I'm not the one breaking rules here. So go shovel the coal, pronto.
Hawkeye: We'll be fine. When we get up to Sherman hill, then we'll need plus coal. Get ready.
Gordon: This is going to be a long journey.
Gordon: Hey, if toi let me drive this train, I will be the happiest poney ever.
Hawkeye: *flicks Gordon*
Gordon: dadlhbndfgonlkesjgkodsfgbvdfljkgzx! YOU. Leave this train right now! If you're going to torturize me, then get off this train!
Hawkeye: Alright, time to highball down the line. *pushes lever*
Gordon: How fast do toi intend to go?
Gordon: I heard you, but that made me give the intention to ask again. What?!
Hawkeye: Well how fast do toi want to go, 20?
Gordon: Shouldn't we be going 80?
Hawkeye: If we hit 75, and we try to stop, the breaks will brake. Don't toi remember?
Gordon: No, that's why I asked.
Gordon: Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up toi losers. What's going on here?
Hawkeye: We're shooting a commercial. Winner
Hawkeye: Of the loser's championship!
Gordon: UGH!! I was going to come back here, and get rehired, but I guess not! *walks away*
Director: Well, if that's the case, toi can't be in the commercial.
Gordon: I don't wanna be in it anyway!
Director: Not you!! Pete!
Pete: What?! He's not in the crew anymore, he was fired!
Director: Then rehire him so he can be a part of the crew.
Hawkeye: If only toi were here for the two, and a half years Gordon worked on this line.
Gordon: *walks to taxis*
Hawkeye: Let's follow him now! *follows Gordon*
Coffee Creme: *follows*
Cab driver: *stops*
Gordon: *gets in* Take me to Manehattan at Grand Central Station.
Cab driver: *drives*
Hawkeye: *whistles* TAXI!
cab driver: *stops*
Hawkeye: Follow that cab
cab driver: *takes off*
Hawkeye: *gets in* With me, and the lovely mare!
Red Rose: Gordon, make sure toi uncouple the tank cars from the box car.
Gordon: I know what to do! *uncouples tank cars* Oh wait. I think there were chemicals in there. *chases tank cars*
Red Rose: What are toi doing Gordon?!?
Gordon: Saving your ass! So I can slap it!
Red Rose: I wish he did jump off the empire state building.
The freight cars kept going down the colline
Gordon: NO! STOP!! *jumps on*
Orion: Oh my god.
Gordon: *applies brakes* Oh piss! The brakes broke!! *grabs stones*
Red Rose: Where did that come from?!
Gordon: STOP!! STOP!! *throws stones idiotically*
Orion: Should we tell Pete about this?
Red Rose: Nah, let's watch his moronic act.
Gordon: *stops engine*
Coffee Creme: A little closer.
Gordon: ugh *backs up*
Coffee Creme: Perfect. *goes to air brakes*
Gordon: Let's go! Hurry up.
Coffee Creme: *connecting air brakes*
Gordon: *blows whistle*
Meanwhile, up in the signalbox
Snowflake: Hmm, that train must be ready. *turns signal green*
Coffee Creme: WAit!! *finishes connecting air brakes*
Unfortunately Coffee Creme was standing on the couplers while the train was in motion.
Coffee Creme: I'm surprised we haven't crashed yet.
Gordon: We're not going to.
Coffee Creme: I think we should just go forward. The tracks are probably fixed now.
Gordon: No, they're not. As a matter of fact, we had to wait for them to fix the track.
Coffee Creme: Still, could be worse.
Suddenly, the sound of a crashing train could be heard. Orion crashed into the back of Gordon's train.
(Everybody, say it with me)
Luckily, no one was hurt.
Except for the millions of passengers that probably just died on Orion's passenger train. Luckily, no one important was hurt.
Pete: Well, I heard of an epic screw up toi caused with Orion's passenger train today.
Pete: But I heard toi did a very good job fixing the damage caused par the train wreck.
Gordon: (Say what?) Thanks.
Pete: As a reward, I'm giving toi the entire week off.
Gordon: Thank toi sir.
Pete: Starting now.
Gordon: Yahoo! *runs away* I'm going to a plage alongside Neigh Jersey. See toi ponies in one week!!
Pete: Jeff isn't feeling well, and took the jour off. So we got toi another poney to work with.
Percy: Uh, ok. Where is he?
Pete: He's right here.
The new poney was a black stallion, and walked rather quickly to the two ponies. His voice made him sound like he smoked 10 packs of cigarettes.
BS: Hello. My name is.. Douchebag.
Red Rose: Percy? What's wrong?
Percy: I got fired.
Red Rose: *gasp* Why?
Percy: Apparently I let a new worker steal a truck, and crash into a train.
Red Rose: That's terrible.
Percy: Yeah. If only Jeff wasn't sick.
Red Rose: Wait a minute. toi just gave me an idea!
Red Rose: Where's Coffee Creme?
Percy: I don't know.
Red Rose: Alright. What about Gordon?
Percy: He doesn't come back from his break until tomorrow.
Red Rose: Shit! Do toi know where Jeff lives?
Percy: I think so.
Red Rose: Than go find him.
Percy: I'm on it! *flies off*
Percy: Alright. Time travel away.
Jeff: Uh, Percy? I don't know any time traveling spells.
Percy: Great. Our only hope is Coffee Creme.
Gordon: *stops nearby* ou toi can count on me.
Percy: Gordon? But you're not supposed to get back until tomorrow.
Gordon: Yeah well I didn't want to get late so I decided to leave early. Anyway, that's not the point. I heard toi got fired, and needed some help.
May 25, 1951
We start this episode near the station of Cheyenne. An observation car was sitting on a siding near the line.
???: Oh my god man! How many of these engines do toi still have?
Pete: The same ammount we had since 1944.
???: That's not good! We can't allow this!!!
Pete: Sir, we have a lot of engines, why do toi insist on replacing some in favor of new engines?
???: toi know why. We need plus diesels, and less steam! If we don't get rid of these engines, WE'LL LOSE MONEY!!!
Pete: I think we're already losing money buying new diesels.
???: And we make money par selling the steam engines! Alright, listen. We need these engines gone within eight years, alright? Start with the switchers, than continue with the stronger engines. If toi don't get the job done, toi can go work for another railroad. Now get the fuck off my car!
Pete: Uh, Kevin? I mean sir? What is my consist for today?
Kevin: toi are to get a train that is 90,000 pounds worth of oil up Sherman Hill, with a 9000 class engine.
Pete: Sir, the rails are slippery. I can't get a 90,000 pound train up there.
Kevin: Yeah, well some ponies a dit I couldn't wear sunglasses during a snowstorm, but here I am.
Pete: Why are toi wearing sunglas-
Kevin: Don't toi question me! I have a horn, and wings!!
After leaving the yard, we drove to Sherman Hill. Our locomotive was doing 35
Kevin: toi may need to go a bit faster.
Pete: How much?
Kevin: Go 40.
Pete: *makes train go 40*
We started going up the hill. It was a long way up, and despite my being nervous, I was determined to get this train up the hill.
Pete: How are we doing now?
Kevin: Excellent. We've got a steep grade here, so why don't we keep this thing at 40, and talk?
Pete: About what?
Kevin: Do toi have a special somepony?
Pete: I do, my wife.
Kevin: How long have toi been married?
Pete: 6 months.
Kevin: That's nice.
Pete: What about you? Any special somepony?
Kevin: I found a few mares, but I'm not entirely sure which one to ask out.
Pete: Do toi think about them a lot?
Kevin: Yeah. Sometimes I think about being in lit with them.
Pete: wow. Good luck with that. If toi get to that.
Honey had just finished bringing a train into Cheyenne. She was going to wait for her suivant assignment at the station, when she saw a sign.
Honey: The secret unicorn club?
Gordon: That's right, and if you're not a unicorn toi can't join.
Honey: Who would want to rejoindre your club anyway?
Coffee Creme: Me too.
Honey: What for?
Jeff: He's offering us free things, like nourriture and alcohol.
Gordon: Too bad you're not a unicorn. Leave!
Police pony: Hey!! What are toi doing?
Police: Yes you! It says no alcoholic beverages in the station!!
Gordon: Well I'm not in the station! I'm on the platform, sitting in a chair, with a grill!!
Police pony: toi can't have any of that on the platform. You're underarrest *arrests Gordon*
Jeff: Haha!! Gordon got arrested!
Pete: Yeah, but I wanted to punish him! We gotta bust him out.
Gordon: I wanna apologize for being mean to you. Can toi all forgive me?
Gordon: Holy shit! I just apologized!
Jeff: *laughs* Just joking with toi Gordon. Of course we forgive you.
Hawkeye: toi may be an asshole at times, but deep down, you're a good pony.
Coffee Creme: I still don't understand why toi hate steam engines.
Gordon: I don't hate them, I just think diesels are better.
Hawkeye: Well, let me just say that these steam engines will never be replaced!
Ten years later
Hawkeye: *sees diesels* Great. Ten years ago, I a dit some things that would eventually become a lie.
Gordon: *Looking at map of Equestria* Hey, Bart! Do toi know how long it would take to get to Germany from my place if I was driving?
Bartholomew: Perhaps toi should try looking at an actual world map instead of that pathetic nonsense!
Gordon: Who asked you?! *grabs smartphone* Fine, if you're gonna be like that, I'll just ask the smartphone, and it'll tell me how to get from here to Germany, and how long it will take!
Bartholomew: WE CAN'T USE SMARTPHONES IN 1951!!! Have toi Lost your mind?!
Gordon: *searching* Watch how it's done asshole! Going from Equestria to Germany. Yo, I do what I want nigga! *gasps*
Gordon: Swim across the atlantic ocean! Seriously?
Bartholomew: Oh my. Better get started, that sure is a bloody long swim.
Bartholomew: Alright then, toi have to continue slowly.
Hawkeye: Uh, Bartholomew?
Hawkeye: I've been an engineer since 1947. I know what I'm doing.
Bartholomew: I was just making sure toi knew. On The Londres & New England Railway, we made sure the engineer knew so no accidents would accure.
Coffee Creme: Don't toi mean occur?
Bartholomew: No, I mean accure. Carry on *teleports back to train*
Meanwhile in the train yard at Cheyenne.
Red Rose: Orion, a little faster please.
Orion: *pushes freight cars a little faster*
Bartholomew: I don't see why Gordon hated this. *uncouples freight cars*
Red Rose: Be careful Bartholomew, there's a tank car with chemicals coming toward you. Uncouple it from the rest of the train.
Orion: *pushes chemical car past Bartholomew*
Bartholomew: salut wait!! *runs past chemical car*
Bartholomew: *uncouples tank car*
The tank car started rolling, but Bartholomew's hoof somehow got stuck on the ladder*
Bartholomew: AHH! HELP!!!
Red Rose: What?
Bartholomew: FUCK!! *nearly hits signal*
Orion: I hope he doesn't get hurt
Bartholomew: *grabs gun*
Red Rose: Why does he have that?
Bartholomew: *shoots ladder* I got to get free *shoots ladder*
Orion: Look out for the box car suivant to your tank car
Bartholomew: AH *hits box car, and falls off tank car* I'M OK!! Leave me here so I can rest my broken bones!!
When Gordon got home, he was looking at a book while eating pizza.
Gordon: *reading book* After getting rid of your hunger, the spell should work. *finishes slice of pizza* Ok, let's do this. *stands up*
Soon, some light came from his horn, and after a quick flash, everything changed
Gordon: Alright. *checks money* I got everything, good.
Mare: What are toi doing in my house?
Gordon: Oh this is my house. toi see, I'm a unicorn, and I used a time traveling spell.
Mare: Where did toi come from?
Colt: *walks to Gordon* Hey, how many pounds do toi have?
poulain, colt friends: *laugh*
Gordon: Hey, how many mares did toi fuck in bed? Get a life losers. *walks away*
Gordon: *looks at store* What's a Verizon? *enters*
bureau Clerk: Good morning. Can I help toi with something?
Gordon: Yes, I'd like a Verizon. *looks at cellphones* What are all these?
bureau Clerk: Cell phones. Would toi like one?
Gordon: Yes. *checks money* I have $200. What can toi give me?
bureau Clerk: Well, we got some smartphones over there.
Gordon: I'd like one of those please.
bureau Clerk: *grabs smartphone* This is our latest, and greatest model. It costs $100.
Gordon: Here *pays for smartphone*
bureau Clerk: Thank you, *gives Gordon charger* You'll need this for when your battery dies.
Gordon: Ok, thanks. *takes charger*
Gordon was bored, so he decided to check out what the Union Pacific looked like.
Gordon: I'll bet every single steam engine is dead. *runs to station*
After three minutes of running
Gordon: *panting* Ugh, how much longer do I have to go? *looks back* (All I did was run across the street?!?!?)
Train driver: *blows horn*
Gordon: Oh damn, the tracks are right par the road
And that is the end.
Season 2 will arrive after The Nightmare Before Christmas is finished