WARNING: This post contains language that toi may find offensive. Please use your own discretion.

And, to make it clear, this is a work of fiction that follows a conversation between Summit Entertainment’s Senior Vice President for Worldwide Publicity, Vivian Mayer-Siskind, and the agent of Kristen Stewart — Ken Kaplan. It is also, partially, a parody of the infamous Christian “Batman” Bale rant on the Terminator Salvation set.

SEQ 01. INT. OFFICE. A woman in a suit is gripping the phone as she paces agitatedly across the floor.

SUMMIT PUBLICITY MANAGER
Kristen has been f—ing asked the same f—ing s’embrasser question a million times, and she still doesn’t have a f—ing ready answer? She’s going to be asked exactly the same f—ing question throughout her whole jouer la comédie career!

She was f—ing okay with it before. She was even f—ing flirty with that ‘It’s so much better answer during the Tokyo fan Meeting.

What made it the f— different this time around with MTV Canada? Is she plus f—ing conscious about s’embrasser all of a sudden? What is it, Ken? Please tell me what the f— is the matter with being asked about onscreen kissing?

Every actress in Hollywood is being asked the same f—ing question for every f—ing romantic scene in every f—ing movie they make. Heck, even f—ing Julia Roberts can’t escape the question!

And, what the f— is Kristen going to do when we reach Breaking Dawn where there are f—ing lovemaking scenes? Shut the f— up? Shutting the f— up is not an option, Ken! Kristen is not f—ing Jack Nicholson who can get away with it for Chrissakes!

What the f— is the matter with her, Ken? She’s making me clean up her f—ing mess. I’m not her f—ing nanny! My people have to get in touch with MTV Canada and f—ing apologize and then offer an exclusive with Rob ou something!

Good thing that Dan Levy called her a b—h because it eases the f—ing pressure a little bit. MTV Canada also has to appease us with an apology, so it f—ing levels the field a little bit.

But, Ken, this is MTV! MTV!

MTV helped out Twilight from the very start. They are a tremendous force with the Twilight mania. Remember those Twilight Tuesdays?

I would f—ing bend over backwards to accommodate them. If there’s an MTV Greenland and they want an interview, I’ll schedule it even if there’s a f—ing howling snowstorm. toi know what the f— I mean, right?

And, not just MTV, but, every f—ing program from Viacom. Kristen should have been a presenter in the upcoming Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards on 28 March, but, she has those f—ing pictures of her smoking weed. Not that anyone can f—ing prove it, but, the f—ing damage has been done.

It’s a f—ing good thing that Rob kept his head clear and he’s been invited to present. At least one of them is going to be there to f—ing represent Twilight!

Doesn’t Kristen realize that the f—ing publicity she will get from Twilight will draw fans to her indie films?!? Even her indie directors know and are f—ing grateful for it! Adventureland and The Cake Eaters are not going f—ing straight to DVD, right?

I just don’t f—ing get it, Ken. At this point in her f—ing career, her f—ing name can get indie projects off the ground because producers want her on board! Kristen doesn’t have to f—ing fight as hard for the projects that she wants! Twilight just happens to be a great f—ing deal for her!!! What the f— doesn’t she understand? What the f— doesn’t she understand, Ken?

(more quietly) Doesn’t she understand that each press group only has five minutes with her and they have to éditer something interesting with those five minutes? Doesn’t she realize that these press people will always be instrumental in the success of every film she’ll ever make? It’s a synergistic relationship that needs to be cultivated.

Sure, Dan Levy was way out of line for calling her a b—h on national TV, and, he’ll be reprimanded for it, for sure; but, Ken, Kristen has to realize that these people have a job to do and she also has a job to do. Please tell her to be professional. I know she’s young, but, she just has to find a way to deal with it.

Welcome to the Rileys and The Runaways are coming up. Welcome to the Rileys will have worse questions because there’s nudity and seduction between an adult and a minor. With The Runaways, the press will ask about drugs, sex and rock and roll.

She has to get ready for questions that are far far worse than onscreen kissing. Please, she needs coaching. But I don’t want a simpering Kristen. I still want her to answer truthfully, but, with plus awareness of how her presence and réponses contribute to the global, ensemble success of the Twilight saga and the film industry as a whole.

She needs to grow up. And fast.

To her credit, Kristen showed great improvement at the Twilight events in Tokyo Japan. Let’s take it from there.

Thanks, Ken. And, sorry about the cussing in the beginning.

KRISTEN STEWART’S AGENT
That’s okay. I understand. Thanks for your feedback.

SUMMIT PUBLICITY MANAGER
You’re welcome. And, please, let’s avoid any plus unpleasant surprises. (rubs her temples) I don’t want migraines so early in the morning. My assistant will keep toi posté of the developments with MTV Canada.