Been seeing it about four months now, and it's the most "quotable" series EVER...
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd toi leave the toilet siège up?
Peele: chienne WHY WAS toi LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
Key: (texting angrily) do toi even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I a dit whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I a dit whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
Peele: (as girl character) toi are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess toi learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line par Mel Gibson.. He a dit "I hope toi get rapped par a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he a dit a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Peele: And asks him.. Will toi have Kiss with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the coup de poing line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH toi WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the coup de poing line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
Killer: I will cover toi in gasoline and set toi on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny toi should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And toi know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! toi A DEMON! (walks off),
Peele: I a dit biiiiiiiiitch!
Peele: FUCK STEVE!
Key: toi WILL FUCK STEVE'S DICK IF HE ASKS toi TOO! toi WILL SUCK HIS FUCKIN DICK! HE IS OUR pain AND beurre toi MOTHER FUCKER!.. I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!
Peele: I'M A FUCKIN ACTOR!.. I DID plus COCAINE THAN toi WEITH MOTHERFUCKER!!
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
Key: (as detective) We KNOW toi killed her.. toi have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's toi standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
Key:: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Peele: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Key: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off.
Guy: Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Is it you, Monday?
Jonald: (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's not funny!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my lit and hanging them from the ceiling fan at night? Was that you, Monday?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have toi been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?
Monday: What? No.
Key: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that! (glass shatters obviously from the ghost they aren't aware of) Whoa! Who did that? Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the fuck just did that!? Which one of toi just threw that bottle?
Guy: What are we even talking about right now? Key: Did toi fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! fuck you! I didn't throw it!
Key: Well, did toi fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! toi WOULD do that, Brendon.
Peele: Dude, no! I didn't throw the bottle!
Key: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Guy: Yeah, toi did do that!
Peele: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though!
Guy: This is just destructive! What about you, Monday? Did toi throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and toi even a dit some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well, obviously, it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Possesed guy: (hisses)
Key: Good point, Ping.
Killer: Hey.. toi ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are toi Channing?
Key: (happily) Is that a hawksaw?
Key: IT'S GONNA BE A FUCKIN rue FIGHT!!
Peele: toi WILL RESPECT ME! toi LITTLE SHIT!!
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!