BEST OF ANDERSON:
Anderson: Please support the official release, toi protestant fuckbucket.
Alucard: Well. Now that's over with. Let's go back to my place and eat my favori cereal- (gets decapitacated)
Anderson: Now that that's over with, let's go to my place and eat my favori cereal- (Sara's gone) AHH SON OF A PROSITION WHORE!
Anderson: Well. toi know what time it is.. (Rape time)
Anderson: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?
Intergra: toi do realise. This is a great violation of our agreement.
Anderson: Oh. And what makes toi say that?
Intergra: Because your killing my men!
Anderson: (kills two of her men wait infront of her) I have no idea what your talking about!
Anderson: toi will witness what happens what here today, and toi will will speak of it later.. Except toi won't. BECAUSE I'LL KILL YEAH! (dramatic laughter).
Anderson: toi know what. Fuck it.. Knife!
Anderson: It’s a shame for toi Lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. toi wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.
Anderson: Least till its time ta sligh in da nigght!
Anderson: par Jove, toi fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded par fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do toi do!? toi get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, toi kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some fleurs myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
BEST OF JAN VALENTINE:
Jan: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Oh yeah. Where from?
Jan: (Jan snaps his fingers, summoning countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, from the bus behind him) Texas! [Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed]
Jan: Aww shit.. I guess we need plus preyer in school!
Walter: (grabs Jan's arm) I got your arm!
Jan: (his arm tears off) SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!
Jan: Well, toi have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
Jan: Alright, alright... what toi do, is toi go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help toi go fuck yourself!
Jan: [Laughing] I don't know what's fucking funnier, the fact that toi think that your titless cul, ass intimidates me, ou that toi think my boss would let me live if toi did! (Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME!!
BEST OF ALUCARD:
Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny.
Priest Vampire: I still plan to kill her. But first.. I'm gonna kill YOU!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if toi were… well, intimidating.
Priest Vampire: Grr.. Are toi mocking me!?
Alucard: Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah. (shoots the priest vampire).
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if toi look deep into your cœur, coeur - which is currently all over that arbre - you’ll find a way to forgive me.
Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…
Alucard: Awww, geez, toi look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*
Alucard: Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because toi got nice tits.
Integra: toi need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: And toi need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed par holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and plus my penis in your vagina.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did toi do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that’s how.
Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims...
Alucard: Like what?
Sir Integra: First off -- property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.
Sir Intergra: Dozens of noise complaints...
[cut scene to Police Girl and Alucard blasting Nobody par Skindred]
Alucard: Sorry! I can't hear you!
Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
Integra: And, all of the sexual harassment.
Alucard: ... I'm not apologizing.
Alucard: Come on! toi were talking all of that good shit a seconde ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!
Alucard: What's wrong demi-god? Just grow back your legs, (As he SMASHES the leg in his hand!) summon up your demons, hit me; FIGHT ME!!! Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? (Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ) OH GOD NO-!!!
[Cut to conferance room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. par the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]
Alucard: (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!
Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Sir Integra: No!
Alucard: Bet toi I'm right!
Sir Integra: Bet toi you're wrong!
Alucard: Bet toi you're a skank~!
Sir Integra: Bet toi you're an asshole!
Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
Alucard: (appears though wall) salut KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?
Alucard: Y'ello?
Integra: What did toi do?
Alucard: Alright. (Alucard over the phone) But toi can't be mad at me.
Integra: What did toi do?
Alucard: Okay, first, I was minding my own business-
Integra: (Slams hand on table) BULLSHIT!!
Alucard: (Whining) I was!!!!
Integra: And exactly what happened whilst toi were minding your own business?
Alucard: So I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
[Door gets kicked in par B.O.P.E. forces, as Alucard recounts his trial of tribulation.]
Alucard: One of them yelled out: (Cut to the B.O.P.E. Schmuck.)
Schmuck: GET ON YOUR KNEES!
Alucard: And I responded with: (Cut to the past.) I fucked your mother last night!!
Alucard: And they took exception to that. (Raging gunfire ensues, as the Schmuck emits a war cry, and Alucard's body gets shot to the ground. Not Dead, par the way. KThxDie.) But toi know how that song and dance goes. (Men screaming as they die) And I killed all but one of them.
Integra: What happened to the last one?
(Man whimpering and shoots himself in the head.)
Alucard: PUSSED OUT LIKE A BITCH!!
Alucard: Silver lining? I can annuler my room service!
Alucard: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation: Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.
Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-
Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!
Major: Helllo
Alucard: (laughing) HE'S STILL SO FUCKIN FAT! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!
Alucard: Walter, do toi know what my haut, retour au début three favori things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. seconde is Nazis. Can toi guess the first?
Walter: Your father?
Alucard: (Claps) Nailed it!
Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Integra: toi sure do seem to know a lot about it.
Alucard: DO toi EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
BEST OF MAJOR:
The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… vill have var!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*
Nazis: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!
Doctor: But Major, now zhat zhey know of our plans...
Major: Ah, Herr Doctor, but that iz the plan~! Now that zhey know our plan, zhey will plan around our plan, and zo we zhall in turn plan around zhe plan zhat zhey are planning around our plan!!
Doctor: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
Major: And regardless... We have one advantage that they sorely lack... ZEPPELINS!
The Major: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?
Integra: Nazi army.
The Major: ...wow, just, kill all the fun! Put the fun in camps, vhy don't you?!
The Major: Gentlemen. Operation Bait van Winkle is a rezounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can déplacer vers l'avant, vers l’avant with our little...surprise. However, before ve begin our suivant phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of toi have come to believe that I like var. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like var. I. LOVE. VAR. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. toi get up in ze morning, toi get into your shitty car, und toi see a rich CEO who works half as hard as toi do drive down ze rue in his Porsche. "Class Var." toi make it to vork, und toi find out that ze annual drug test is today. Und toi just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights il y a before dîner with your wife's awful parents. "Drug Var." But zhen, toi find out that ze only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. "Race Var." Then, toi try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your Friends start arguing about vhat's right und what's wrong. "Flame Var." toi finally get home, und toi decide to relax par vatching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vhat's in ze box worth?" "Storage Vars." (chuckles) (Gustav Holsts - "The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War" starts playing in the background) What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one zhousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of var. And with your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. toi see, I vant a simple var. No Class Vars, no Drug Vars, no Race Vars, no Flame Vars, und certainly, no Cold Vars! Blueballed for forty years. Vhat I vant is a var zhat only ve can bring. A true var! A German var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for! I! VANT! VORLD! VAR!! THREE!!!
Nazi: Even Londres bridge.
Major: Yes. Yes. Londres Bridge is falling down. We all know the song.
The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?
The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.
Anderson: Please support the official release, toi protestant fuckbucket.
Alucard: Well. Now that's over with. Let's go back to my place and eat my favori cereal- (gets decapitacated)
Anderson: Now that that's over with, let's go to my place and eat my favori cereal- (Sara's gone) AHH SON OF A PROSITION WHORE!
Anderson: Well. toi know what time it is.. (Rape time)
Anderson: So what can I do for you, Father O'Mally'O'Connel'O'Carrol'O'Reilly'O'Brian'O'Sullivan... ah-who is also Italian?
Intergra: toi do realise. This is a great violation of our agreement.
Anderson: Oh. And what makes toi say that?
Intergra: Because your killing my men!
Anderson: (kills two of her men wait infront of her) I have no idea what your talking about!
Anderson: toi will witness what happens what here today, and toi will will speak of it later.. Except toi won't. BECAUSE I'LL KILL YEAH! (dramatic laughter).
Anderson: toi know what. Fuck it.. Knife!
Anderson: It’s a shame for toi Lost your head. A careless vampire, who wound up dead. toi wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies… too many lies.
Anderson: Least till its time ta sligh in da nigght!
Anderson: par Jove, toi fucking hedder of a woman! Surrounded par fifty vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and what do toi do!? toi get out of your fucking car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads and yell, "come at me, toi kraut shits!" No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil. I'm thinking about growing some fleurs myself! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
BEST OF JAN VALENTINE:
Jan: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Oh yeah. Where from?
Jan: (Jan snaps his fingers, summoning countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, from the bus behind him) Texas! [Sub-Machine gun fire; guards killed]
Jan: Aww shit.. I guess we need plus preyer in school!
Walter: (grabs Jan's arm) I got your arm!
Jan: (his arm tears off) SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!
Jan: Well, toi have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
Jan: Alright, alright... what toi do, is toi go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help toi go fuck yourself!
Jan: [Laughing] I don't know what's fucking funnier, the fact that toi think that your titless cul, ass intimidates me, ou that toi think my boss would let me live if toi did! (Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire) AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME!!
BEST OF ALUCARD:
Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny.
Priest Vampire: I still plan to kill her. But first.. I'm gonna kill YOU!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if toi were… well, intimidating.
Priest Vampire: Grr.. Are toi mocking me!?
Alucard: Oh, no, no, no, no, no… Pfft, yeah. (shoots the priest vampire).
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if toi look deep into your cœur, coeur - which is currently all over that arbre - you’ll find a way to forgive me.
Police Girl: [dying] Guh… gah…
Alucard: Awww, geez, toi look like a puppy. A blonde, eviscerated puppy.
Police Girl: [still dying] Gah… *tear*
Alucard: Christ! Fine! I’ll help you! But only because toi got nice tits.
Integra: toi need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: And toi need to hurry up and hook up some god-damned DSL in here!
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed par holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and plus my penis in your vagina.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did toi do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you, that’s how.
Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims...
Alucard: Like what?
Sir Integra: First off -- property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.
Sir Intergra: Dozens of noise complaints...
[cut scene to Police Girl and Alucard blasting Nobody par Skindred]
Alucard: Sorry! I can't hear you!
Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!
Integra: And, all of the sexual harassment.
Alucard: ... I'm not apologizing.
Alucard: Come on! toi were talking all of that good shit a seconde ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Luke Valentine: But, I... you... what the fuck?!
Alucard: What's wrong demi-god? Just grow back your legs, (As he SMASHES the leg in his hand!) summon up your demons, hit me; FIGHT ME!!! Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? (Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ) OH GOD NO-!!!
[Cut to conferance room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. par the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]
Alucard: (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!
Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Sir Integra: No!
Alucard: Bet toi I'm right!
Sir Integra: Bet toi you're wrong!
Alucard: Bet toi you're a skank~!
Sir Integra: Bet toi you're an asshole!
Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
Alucard: (appears though wall) salut KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?
Alucard: Y'ello?
Integra: What did toi do?
Alucard: Alright. (Alucard over the phone) But toi can't be mad at me.
Integra: What did toi do?
Alucard: Okay, first, I was minding my own business-
Integra: (Slams hand on table) BULLSHIT!!
Alucard: (Whining) I was!!!!
Integra: And exactly what happened whilst toi were minding your own business?
Alucard: So I was just chillaxing in my room like a baller and then all of a sudden these schmucks kicked in my door!
[Door gets kicked in par B.O.P.E. forces, as Alucard recounts his trial of tribulation.]
Alucard: One of them yelled out: (Cut to the B.O.P.E. Schmuck.)
Schmuck: GET ON YOUR KNEES!
Alucard: And I responded with: (Cut to the past.) I fucked your mother last night!!
Alucard: And they took exception to that. (Raging gunfire ensues, as the Schmuck emits a war cry, and Alucard's body gets shot to the ground. Not Dead, par the way. KThxDie.) But toi know how that song and dance goes. (Men screaming as they die) And I killed all but one of them.
Integra: What happened to the last one?
(Man whimpering and shoots himself in the head.)
Alucard: PUSSED OUT LIKE A BITCH!!
Alucard: Silver lining? I can annuler my room service!
Alucard: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation: Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.
Reggie: Wait a second, but that implies that the Queen-
Alucard: INTERRUPT MY STORY AGAIN, REGGIE! SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!
Major: Helllo
Alucard: (laughing) HE'S STILL SO FUCKIN FAT! He's like a Nazi Louis C.K.! Wait wait no no, Jim Gaffigan! Jim Gaffigan!
Alucard: Walter, do toi know what my haut, retour au début three favori things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. seconde is Nazis. Can toi guess the first?
Walter: Your father?
Alucard: (Claps) Nailed it!
Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Integra: toi sure do seem to know a lot about it.
Alucard: DO toi EVEN READ MY CHRISTMAS LIST?!
BEST OF MAJOR:
The Major: Gentlemen… ve… are Nazis!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… vill have var!
Nazis: Sieg heil! Sieg heil!
The Major: Und ve… und ve… *sneeze*
Nazis: Gesundheit! Gesundheit!
Doctor: But Major, now zhat zhey know of our plans...
Major: Ah, Herr Doctor, but that iz the plan~! Now that zhey know our plan, zhey will plan around our plan, and zo we zhall in turn plan around zhe plan zhat zhey are planning around our plan!!
Doctor: Your brilliance knows no bounds!
Major: And regardless... We have one advantage that they sorely lack... ZEPPELINS!
The Major: I'm sure you're chomping at the bit to find out vhat ve have in store for you, nein?
Integra: Nazi army.
The Major: ...wow, just, kill all the fun! Put the fun in camps, vhy don't you?!
The Major: Gentlemen. Operation Bait van Winkle is a rezounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we need him to be so we can déplacer vers l'avant, vers l’avant with our little...surprise. However, before ve begin our suivant phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet. Some of toi have come to believe that I like var. I wish to dash these rumors! I do not like var. I. LOVE. VAR. Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war. toi get up in ze morning, toi get into your shitty car, und toi see a rich CEO who works half as hard as toi do drive down ze rue in his Porsche. "Class Var." toi make it to vork, und toi find out that ze annual drug test is today. Und toi just so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights il y a before dîner with your wife's awful parents. "Drug Var." But zhen, toi find out that ze only ones being called in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. "Race Var." Then, toi try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your Friends start arguing about vhat's right und what's wrong. "Flame Var." toi finally get home, und toi decide to relax par vatching a program about: "Who gets ze box?" "What's in ze box?" "How much is vhat's in ze box worth?" "Storage Vars." (chuckles) (Gustav Holsts - "The Planets - Mars, the Bringer of War" starts playing in the background) What I am telling you, my Nazi army of one zhousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of var. And with your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. toi see, I vant a simple var. No Class Vars, no Drug Vars, no Race Vars, no Flame Vars, und certainly, no Cold Vars! Blueballed for forty years. Vhat I vant is a var zhat only ve can bring. A true var! A German var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for! I! VANT! VORLD! VAR!! THREE!!!
Nazi: Even Londres bridge.
Major: Yes. Yes. Londres Bridge is falling down. We all know the song.
The Doktor: Zhe Holocaust Museum?
The Major: Leave zhat be. No one vill deny vhat ve did.
#1: SLIPKNOT - SNUFF:
Very calm and beautiful sounding.
That's very unusual for Slipknot.
But in a a good way..
#2: POETS OF THE FALL - CARNIVAL OF RUST:
She has no idea about THE HAPPY SONG.
This the only song I showed her..
#3: Metallica - NOTHING ELSE MATTERS:
She loves this song actually.
And knows how obsessed I am with Metallica so she knows how crazy they get..
#4: KORN - HATER:
Well... I tried. But she hates Korn all together.
I could understand why though. Their pretty "out there"..
Very calm and beautiful sounding.
That's very unusual for Slipknot.
But in a a good way..
#2: POETS OF THE FALL - CARNIVAL OF RUST:
She has no idea about THE HAPPY SONG.
This the only song I showed her..
#3: Metallica - NOTHING ELSE MATTERS:
She loves this song actually.
And knows how obsessed I am with Metallica so she knows how crazy they get..
#4: KORN - HATER:
Well... I tried. But she hates Korn all together.
I could understand why though. Their pretty "out there"..